Wondering about my Wanderings

Redemption.

On the verge of preaching my sermon all manner of impressions pour into my consciousness. I look at myself through the mirror of what has taken place. I came out to this place from Boston, looking for something different from what I had been experiencing. I grew up in a place I was the blame for everything. I was running from the primal responsibility of trying to make my mentally ill brother feel better. I hoped that things could somehow be different.

I walk into work just yesterday and my supervisor walks toward me. A couple days ago he had taken a bad fall and ended up in the hospital. He lets me know he appreciates my email, in which I shared that I was praying for him and looked forward to having him come back. He smiles and I smile back. Things can change even if it feels like it takes forever. My brother Kurt, who I felt so responsible for is receiving excellent care from my siblings. Just the other day my younger brother told me he was coming home from the hospital and Lori had got him a lobster roll. I smile.

I get ready to preach and it seems like it is from a far away place. I am trying to sort out how I can get to a place where I can know that I can make a difference. Jesus says that it has already happened and that I do not need to do anything more. That is a strange thought. I go to a place much like a like the main character of my sermon tomorrow. I wonder what I can do to make things different and it has already happened.

As I woke up I thought of the religious establishment of which I am apart. In Jesus time it was easy to keep the sick, poor and outcast outside of God's family. They must of messed up. Otherwise they would not be on the outside looking in. Along comes Jesus, who looks at these same folks and calls them children of God. Something has to give. I will no doubt continue to try to do something to make it better. Jesus comes along and says welcome to the family, You need do nothing except receive healing and grace.

So I am left in this lonely place. I realize that I will need to change or I will become nothing but a begging dog seeking after something I will never receive by my own efforts. I need to let go of my false gods that take me away from time with Jesus and learn all over again that Jesus calls me in out of the cold to be with God and the rest of family that has been waiting for me to show up.
Maybe at least for this moment, I am not as far away from the kingdom of God as I think.