Can we talk?

Grown Children

         I listened to someone tell the story today of her one and only grandson. He's in his twenties and has cut all ties with his father, with whom he has been close his whole life, and, subsequently has cut himself off from her. His mother was never a very good mother, but now she's reaching out to him. He's grown and can help her. So he left a good job to move to another state and be near her.

         It reminded me of stories my mother used to tell me about grown children who treated their mothers like queens, even though they were lousy mothers when the kids were growing up. Of course, my mom was trying to impress upon us that she should be treated the same way by us, her ungrateful children. I pointed out to my mom that it worked out the way it did because she was a good mother. She did what mothers are supposed to do. She was there for her kids, she took care of them herself, she taught them what they needed to know to survive. As grown-ups, her kids had her love and affection and knew it. They didn't have to continue and struggle to win their mother's approval and acknowledgment. My mom didn't buy it. She wanted the adulation, non-stop. (She was well-cared for, and had daily visits whenever she was in the hospital or nursing home. Her family continues to be very close.)

         The truth is that if kids are raised properly, they will continue to respect their parents, but they won't have to "win" their approval. They won't have to make personal sacrifices or throw the other parent under the bus to finally get the parental affirmation they didn't receive as children. I'm not talking about an elderly or disabled parent, but a fully functioning, healthy parent. Even children of bad parents should see to their basic needs for medical care and shelter in their waning years.