Witness to Withness

Learning how to choose the right friends

I like you do you like me?
I promise to give you what you want.
I like you do you like me?
I wonder if others will like you too.

Friendship is learning that to be a friend does not mean I need to be a friend at the expense of those I am learning to love.

         I was learning independence and this meant that I was on the look out for people I wanted to be friends with. I ran into a Ward Benson when I was practicing my tennis serves at a middle school. I was still acting the role of a loner. He came into my world and it was hard for me to believe that he might use me in any way. After all he was Ward. He was one of my folk heroes from day of playing tennis in high school. Ward was known for his gallant efforts against top opponents. He would often go to a match with an old beat up tennis racket and run down balls others would give up on. One day he came into a practice and he leveled a shot right at my groin. I was humiliated and yet here he was coming to me as if I had something he wanted.

         We played tennis on several occasions. He took me in his car to play at the high school. I will never forget playing in 90 degree heat on a humid day and wondering whether I would survive. I nearly beat Ward that day. He often talked about a connection with the police and recent work as a social worker. And of course I shared about Sun House. It was an important place for me. He wanted to visit and made a lot of effort to share of his desire. I could think of no reason why not to let him visit.

         I told the head manager Declan Smith about my desire to let him visit. After all Ward really wanted to come and see this place I loved. Declan was not so sure about letting this happen. I could tell by his rubbing of his beard back and forth that this might not be in the best interest of Sun House, especially as I talked about Ward in greater depth. He acceded to my request after I continued to share my passion for his presence. We had often had guest, so that there was no reason to not let him come.
         Ward came clean and dressed neat. He kept asking questions that seemed intrusive. He wanted to know everything and anything he could find out about Sun House. He definitely had an agenda and I would learn later it had nothing to do with being a sponsor of the Sun House venture. I was faced with what friendship truly meant. I had learned again about the pain of being used by a person, so that they could intrusively enter my intimate space without my permission. In this case it was coming to Sun House with intent to gain information that might put Sun House in a bad light.
         Our "friendship" ended and I had no idea why. I wondered for a time if I did something wrong. Declan made it clear that it had nothing to do with me. He got what he wanted and did not need me in his life anymore. This was a very bitter lesson. I did run into Ward on occasion but it was never anything to write home about. I decided that I would use time at Sun House to figure out more about this enigma known as friendship. It was no good to let anyone be a friend, especially if that person could hurt the ones who loved you most. Sun house was a place where family resided. We looked forward to being together and sharing what it meant to be mentally healthy. Some people were threatened by "crazy" people being in the neighborhood. I would choose my friends more carefully. After all I knew that I wanted to be considered as a person and not a label. It was good news that I did not want to give up on my quest to be healthy and that meant I needed to learn a better way of choosing friends wisely.