Personal Journal

An Addict Without Friends

Well, DMV processes have changed in my home state of Colorado, and where 4 years ago I walked out same-day with a picture ID and new license, now I have to wait for the license to arrive (2-4 weeks). I have a temporary, so the inconvenience is negligible, except that I cannot buy pot without a valid picture ID, neither medicinally (as I have a prescription) or commercially (as anyone can).

And so for the last 3 days, I have had to come face to face with two facts, both of which are disheartening.
I'm a marijuana addict, and it is literally true that my addiction makes life difficult to face without my drug.
Second, I have no friends again.

The two are related in my mind because anyone with a picture ID can go get pot and give it to me. And I went through my mental Rolodex of friends to see if someone would do that for me.
I - maybe
B - nope
C - nope
R - nope
B - not a chance

Those are my acquaintances with whom I spend time. I thought B would be a friend, but it didn't happen once she got a job. I is probably only my friend because she too is out of work right now. Indeed, I asked "I" and she said she wasn't comfortable with the idea. And that's when this got to be a subject that made me lonely.

I spent the last 18 months trying to develop friendships, and exactly zero have happened. I had B for a good 6 or 8 months while she was undermployed, but once she has had to make resource decisions with her time, it's clear that I don't make the cut. I've been left behind and she has moved on with other friends.

That makes me sad, and it makes me unhappy with my place in the world.
And when I get to writing on that subject, I realize that this is one of those places where Dr. D would want me to stop writing so that I don't get too attached to my pain.

The addiction: Well, who knows. I want pot (badly). But it's not like I've asked anyone else, or my wife. I asked I because she owed me a favor, and she knows my mental health issues.

And I am confronted by the disturbing realization that I really do plan the entirety of my life around the availability of pot given my rate of consumption. And that's unnatural, and it's striking me as abominable. Food, water, oxygen - maybe also love and sex. These are the human needs.

I don't know that I can pursue this line of thought. Again, I'm down. I'm in emotional and spiritual pain.

It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn