The Treatment Program of Absurdity: 1

Porn Star Interview

One night, I was tied to the wall of his room, naked, while I had a ball-gag in my mouth. All of the sudden, a sexy dominatrix in a leather shirt and black-laced panties came inside. She held out her hand to slap my ass, and my eyes were so wide open that you could tell I was enthralled. All of the sudden, I was awoken to Winfield Reese screaming at George to get up, and I shouted, “God damn it.”
As always, George and I were sitting around making fun of the staff and students who we despised. I had come up with the idea of making a video, entitled Porn Star Interview, in which George would pretend to be a porn producer, who would interview me for an upcoming porn video. George agreed, on the condition that his face would not be shown in this video. I got into a full suit, along with a red V-neck sweater, for the video.

The following is a transcript of the video that the boys produced:

George: So, this is our newest candidate for an upcoming porno movie called Back Door Sluts Nine. We’ve have put a lot of time and money into Back Door Sluts Nine, but we haven’t really procured our star male lead, and we think we might have found it now in Mr. Sperminator, who is here for his first interview. First of all….
Harry: Thank you, I am happy to be with you.
The two shake hands.
George: Oh Mr. Sperminator, it is an honor. I saw some of your work in Naughty Nurses 2 and 4, and I have to say it was phenomenal.
Harry: I was also in Saving Ryan’s Privates.
George: I saw that one, and I have never seen a girl quirt that far before. So let me just ask you a few questions. What kind of qualities do you have that we might need in this porn video we are producing?
Harry: What qualities I possess?
George: What qualities do you possess?
Harry: Well, as you know from Saving Ryan’s Privates, I have a very big dick. I think that would be important, since I think that it would turn a lot of ladies on.
George: That probably would, that probably would.
George: So what other qualities do you think that you could bring to the table? What techniques do you use when you are f***ing a woman?
Harry: Well with the woman, I have very fast hands.
George: Very fast hands, ok.
Harry: My tongue has a lot of saliva, which is a good substitute for lubricant when I lick pussy.
George: Indeed!
Harry: I can also endure a lot. Sex is easy, since I think about it 24/7, and it never gets off my mind.
George: What kinds of things would you do to the woman, in the porno?
Harry: Well, I would love to tie her up and tickle her, butt naked. I would use all different kinds of implements: I would use feathers, brushes, and electric toothbrushes. What else would I use to tickle a woman; well yes, I would mostly use feathers. I would also use my fingers to scratch her feet nice and gently.
George: Well, that is some, well ya it is ok um well. How do you think the woman would react to your performance in this porn video?
Harry: She would probably scream, beg for me to stop and start crying, and I would ignore her, like I do with my wife.
George: Ok, and how does your wife feel about this kind of work? Is she cool with what you do for a living?
Harry: I think so!
George: You think so, you don’t know?
Harry: Well, I think so!
George: Well I hope you have given our offer some consideration, and that hopefully you will be joining us very soon. Will you be joining us?
Harry: Hopefully, is there anything else you would like to know about me? Like, would you be interested to know about the types of girls that I like to work with?
George: Yes, that is a very important thing to know. We don’t ever pay attention to the kinds of guys the girls like to work with, but the guy’s preference is always very important.
Harry: Well I like to work with girls who weigh less than 120 pounds, always Caucasian, and, less preferably, Asian and Hispanic women. No blacks, Native Americans!
George: Ok!
Harry: Because I am not General Custer, I don’t want to work with Native American women. I am also no Thomas Jefferson, so I do not want to work with Black Women. But also, I have a specific age group of girls that I like to work with.
George: What is the age group?
Harry: I like to work with girls whose ages are between 13-23.
George: 13 TO 23, AND HOW OLD ARE YOU?
Harry: I am 18.
George: 18, ok, all right. So do you know languages? Do you know different languages such as how to say pussy in Spanish?
Harry: Well, I can get my point across just by using my belt.
George: So you are a method actor, you work with your belt?
Harry: Yes!
George: Ok, all right, so the belt is very important to you? So it is a key factor in how you act with women.
Harry: Ya, but I also use whips, paddles, fly swatters, spoons along with canes. It is very proficient; Hugh Hefner and I were discussing it the other week when I was at his mansion.
George: Hugh Hefner, we wish we could have had him for Dykes Go Right, but we couldn’t have him since he was too busy.
Harry: Have you heard of an upcoming porno, Shawshank Erection?
George: SHAWSHANK ERECTION! No, I did not hear about it.
Harry: Well it isn’t out yet, but it is an upcoming porn film about a prison that goes co-ed. The company is offering me $900 trillion to star in this film, and I can’t decide whether or not to star in that or this. It is hard to decide.
George: It is very hard to decide. Well let me tell you that we not only have two white chicks, but also a black chick, a real Asian girl, and a real Spanish girl that is so Hispanic, that she almost looks Asian.
Harry: I have a question about the Asian girl?
George: Ya!
Harry: How good are her massages?
George: Her massages are ok, but she likes to go deep.
Harry: Does she give happy endings?
George: She gives very happy endings.
Harry: I can take a lot of deep pressure, but I always like to be naked during the massage.
George: That is ok; she likes to be naked too.
Harry: Sweet!
George: Ya!
Harry: I have a lot of experience with sex. It all began when I was 8 years old and my hot babysitter came to visit me.
George: Yes!
Harry: And she did a lot of things to me that she would not have done to my obnoxious older brother, who was fat and no one liked.
George: Ok, ok, um, and that did not traumatize you at all.
Harry: HELL NO, I told my father about it and he told me, “You lucky son of a bitch.”
George: So your father approved of you being molested?
Harry: Absolutely!
George: Well, that is a very understanding man.
Harry: Indeed!
George: Um, we are almost out of time. We have got about a minute left. Are there any closing statements that you would like to make?
Harry: Well I really can’t think of anything, but I was kind of curious about something. I am trying to find a studio that will do some Nazi porn, and I haven’t been able to find one yet because if I work with you guys, I want to be sure I will get something that I want. I’ve always dreamed of being a Gestapo.
George: Well we really haven’t looked much into the subject of Nazi porn, but for those sadomasochists out there, it would definitely be if we got a random hot, Jewish girl in the video.
Harry: I REALLY HOPE I WOULD GET TO BE THE GESTAPO IN THE VIDEO!
Harry fakes an orgasm.
George: Are you ok, Sperminator?
Harry: Sorry, it is turning me on so much.
George: Ok, so hot Jewish girls turn you on.
Harry: Usually not, because I don’t like the hairstyles, but it is fine with me as long as they are hot. I feel historical pornos are the best. I got my start in the historical, c-rate porno Assablanca. It takes in North Africa during WWII. It is about a gangster, Rick Blainey, who had f***ed this hot girl in Paris, Ilsa Lazlowy, which is depicted in erotic flashbacks. The reason is because she thought her husband, Victor, was killed in a concentration camp, but he escapes by f***ing the hot, female S.S. Guard. When Victor and Ilsa reunite, they go to Rick to get false passports to go to America, but he refuses. In order to get him to change his mind, Ilsa gives him the most erotic blowjob in cinematic history.
George: Ok, we are out of time, but one more quick question. What are the three best porno’s you have been in?
Harry: Porn Star Wars, Porn Star Trek, and Dead Porn Star Society.
George: It was nice meeting you, Mr. Sperminator.
Harry: You too, Dr. Strangehornylove!
George: Oh one last question, how much do you love boobs?
Harry: I love girls who have boobs on their boobs.
I showed the video to Adam, while Mary was next to him, pretending not to notice any of the conversation; Adam asked me to turn off the video, when he heard the part about the wife. I showed the video to John Butler, who was quiet, along with a blank expression, while watching the whole video; and after the video was finished, I asked John if I should delete it, and John exclaimed “YES!” I showed the video to Winfield Reese, who told me to delete it. Dr. Gore laughed hysterically at the video, but told me that I better not show it to anybody.