The Treatment Program of Absurdity: 2

The Nerd and the Blondes

On October 30th, 2011, I went to a Halloween festival facilitated on Moroni Square. Upon paying the entrance fee, I noticed a frivolous Elizabeth saying “hi” to me. Upon purchasing some chicken tenders and a Diet Coke, I noticed Tori sitting by herself. I waited 5 minutes to see if she was with anyone else, and upon noticing that she was only with Elizabeth, I went over the greet to duo.
“Hello ladies!”
“Hi Harry!”
“Hi Harry, how are you enjoying the festival?”
“It is swell. Are you ladies here alone?”
“My husband, Cal, will be showing up soon, and Elizabeth’s new boyfriend, Ed. Wilkins, will also be here in a little while.”
“Do I need to leave you two alone?”
“Nah, you can chill with us for a while.”
“Sweet!
“So, are you looking forward to getting out of Great Ascendency?”
“You bet! I can’t stand being there any longer.”
“Between us, there are elements that I can’t stand either.”
“Yah, I’m not a fan of everybody there.”
“Same, but the only person who I really hate is Samantha?”
“So, when you move into your apartment on Monday, do you plan to invite any ladies over?”
“Yah, except the girls at Great Ascendency I like are taken.”
“Well, when you finally transfer, take the advice that I gave you, and I promise that you will get………..”
A random lady came up and gave me a plastic cup that contained Budweiser.
“Should I drink this, especially considering the fact that I’m on my last straw?”
“Hey, don’t ask me.”
“Well, I’m not going to say anything.”
“In that case, I think I will have…….”
“GO ON, DRINK IT.”
“YA DRINK IT!”
I gobbled down the Budweiser, and immediately became drunk.
“YAY!”
“Good for you, Harry.”
“So, I hope your new boyfriend is better than Will. Say, is you dumping his retarded ass why he was fired, or was it because he wouldn’t stop sitting on the bench besides the OPO, offering chocolates to every random person who walked by?”
“No, it was because of something stupid he did after I broke up with.”
“Why did you date that moron to begin with?”
“I don’t know; he did what I wanted in high school, and…”
“Did he have a big penis?”
“God no!”
Elizabeth poured some vodka into my cup.
“Drink this.”
“Ok!”
I gobbled down the vodka.
“Drink this”
Elizabeth poured some Samuel Adams beer into my cup.
“Thank you; you are very kind. So, now that you too are in a state of bluntness, could you give me some more advice on how to get girls?”
“Do you want to go for this, Tori?”
“Sure! Harry, you are funny, cute, and intelligent. But very often you are exhilarant. You need to be calm, smooth, and posed. Make a woman feel special, and I promise you that you will get ass.”
“I don’t want ass; I want pussy.”
“Ass, pussy: Same thing.”
“Thanks for the advice.”
“Harry, you are really endearing, and I will miss you when you leave. If it weren’t for the age gap between us, I would totally date you.”
“You too! I will completely ignore the age gap.”
“Did the advice make you feel better?”
“I’m still down about the fact that I’m still a virgin.”
“Harry, save your virginity for a girl who is very special. Angelica!”
“Hey Tori!”
“Angelica, this is a friend of mine, Harry. Would you mind if he slapped your” ass?
“Sure!”
I slapped the ass of the intoxicated Angelica, and as she walked away, myself, Elizabeth, and Tori laughed.
“This is great.”
“Oh Harry, you do not speak a word of this to everyone.”
: “Yah, you keep your loudmouth shut. If we get fired because of your loud mouth, I will beat the crap out of you.”
“I am not the one for violence, but, darn right, I will murder you if you get us fired.”
“Hey, I’ll tell you about what I did last night, so none of us will rat anyone out. Mark and I snorted cocaine in my car, and in order to avoid him being drug tested, we drove to Salt Lake City, just so he had an excuse not to come in.”
“HARRY, YOU IDIOT! You put his sobriety in danger, again; and not only did you use a substance that could’ve killed you, you drove while under the….
“Tori, calm down. Harry, you crack me up with all of your wild adventures.
I decided to lie on Elizabeth’s lap, and she gave me a nice, relaxing, scalp scratch.
“So, I’ve given you my hate list; may I have yours, ladies?”
“There are a lot of people who I am not a huge fan of at Great Ascendency.”
“Like Randy!”
“Darn right!”
“I can’t stand Maya; she is a total bitch.”
“How could anyone disagree with that? What would you say your favorite moment at Great Ascendency was?”
“When I became a Student Life Manager.”
“For me, it was when I got to facilitate the movie trips, in which I got a free movie paid for.”
“My favorite moment was when Samantha’s parents showed up at the house, and stated, ‘Hello, is GARY here?’”
Elizabeth and Tori began to giggle.
“Harry, we both lobbied for ‘her’ to be thrown out after that prank phone call she made to you.”
“Yes, it isn’t that we hate her; we both just felt that could not be tolerated, and to not terminate her would send out a signal; which I feel has caused the morality of this place to decline.”
“Thanks! Say Elizabeth, who else in on your hate list? What did you think of Joe?”
“He treated me well, so I never had a problem with him.”
“Jeremy?”
“I never spoke to him, but he was helpful around Polly House when it came to setting up meals.”
“Peter?”
“HATED THAT LITTLE s***.”
I got up from her lap, and my arm around Tori.
“That’s right, smooth.”
I gave Tori a hard shoulder massage.
“It is like what I told you: you can’t be so aggressive.”
I gave Tori a smoother shoulder massage.
“MUCH BETTER!”
“We should get a selfie of all of us together. “
“Indeed, let’s use my phone.”
Tori held her phone, while both Tori and Elizabeth were about to kiss me on the cheek, and I proceeded to pretend to masturbate.
“NO!”
Tori and Elizabeth both gave me a fake slap.
“No!”
“We’re out of liquor.”
“They are selling it was $12.00; and I have a dollar on me.”
“All I have is $2.00.”
“Here you go.”
“This is so wrong on so many levels.”
“Who cares?”
“Yes, who gives a flying f***?”
“Fine!”
Tori departed to purchase some alcohol.
“Harry, how much do you want to be that I have a stash of marijuana on me?” “Nothing!”
“Would you like to smoke some marijuana with me?”
“Of course!”
“Ok!”
Elizabeth lit the marijuana joint, and I smoked it.
“Wasn’t that great?”
“Damn! If only you weren’t a staff member at Great Ascendency.”
“Yes, but like we both told you, be chill, and once you get to Yale, you will get all of the pussy that you want.”
“So, what is your favorite moment with Maya?”
“My favorite moment was when she was forced to cook a steak for dinner, so she threw the raw meat on the floor, and she was forced to go buy some more steak with hear earnings.”
“My favorite moment was when Adam and I were having a discussion on the politics of pornography, and she ran to tell you that I was making misogynistic statements.”
“Oh, I remember that; I completely dismissed what she had to say, like everyone else does to her.”
Tori returned, and the three of us passed the bottle around.
“Oh my god!”
“What is the matter?”
“I see Dr. Gore, and he is walking with Dr. Mathems.”
“Harry, do you see that back alley?”
“Yep!”
“Run through it!”
“Ok!”
I ran through the back alley in Moroni Square, thus evading the two therapists. 5 minutes later, I returned, only to realize that the duo had departed from the area. I returned to the transition house, and upon noticing me, Harry Fare exclaimed, “Dude, what the hell happened to you?” I responded by saying, “I got drunk with two attractive blonde girls,” and Harry Fare doubted me. That evening, Tori called me up, just to be sure I was ok, and the two of us talked about what a wonderful day it had been.