Keeping my Sanity

Pretentious Shite

I can't believe I called my blog Mowing the Lawn, I have never mowed a lawn in my life.  I think I'll try and rename it pretentious shite.  After a 7 year hiatus from Writing and Writing.com I decided to write again and am back.  I haven't read the posts on here yet.


So yes, back writing, was having fun and then hit a stumbling block.  I can't write, fear of failure (although I started writing for me), not being good enough and the blank page.  Words flowed for a few weeks and then they halted.  I waited for them to start again, they didn't.  Sigh, why can't I write?  That question has terrorised me for a couple of weeks.  I can't write because I am not sitting down and even trying to write.


Yay, problem solved.  Not exactly.  So here I am on Writing.com as I decided I wanted to be part of a community of writers, I always loved the vibe here way back and decided to reach out.  I want to write.  I like my ideas.  I want to write a story, I want to tell a story, and maybe I do want to self publish.  I have admitted it.  Writing is not all about me.  I want to put myself out there, why?  Because it scares me.  What if no-one likes it?  What if they don't like me?  Etc, etc, etc.  Al that crap. 


Older and wiser (I hope), I started writing again because I was looking for a hobby, something that was mine, me time (I have two kids now and work full time, oh the joys).  I tried jewellery making, making my own cleaning products and skin care (ugh, don't ask how that went, I made my own deodorant for a while too.....), I bought an engraver (I have never unpacked it) and I started zentangling, moved on to tangle art (that is very cool and I still dabble, gets the creative juices flowing and it's nice to look at something you made and feel a sense of achievement).  I lost my train of thought.  Oh yeah, so I am skint and decided I wanted a hobby I wouldn't be wasting money on.  I had a notebook, I had a pen (sigh, I bought a new wee laptop, mine is big and clunky and I have to share!) and a laptop.  Off I went, it went well, I loved it, I wrote and I wrote and all these ideas flowed and I realised I was struggling to tell my story from beginning, through middle, till end. 


I have all these scenes written from lots of different stories, I hit a wee bump and I would get another idea and move on, distracted by it and I haven't actually finished anything yet.  I need help.  I need focus.  I am here.


I had a grand plan to enter the New Writers Award, closing date 7 July.  When I decided to enter it was April, I had a great short story idea.  I started, I didn't finish, I moved on (rinse and repeat) and now it's end of June and I haven't got anything down.  I have dusted myself off.  I found a short Fiction Style Blog I wrote that actually isn't half bad.  It needs a re-read and probably an edit and I am going to enter that.  Queue, you write that years ago, you can't enter that, it's not you, it's not good enough, it's bullshit crap, you can't write, why are you even bothering,blah, blah, blah.  I am going to enter it anyway.


Well this has been great, must change the blog name though.  Ohhh, look how many words I wrote :)


PS.  Just about had a panic attack, got an error message as my membership no longer up graded, clicked back to rectify and my blog post was gone.  Managed to recover web page and post as I really didn't fancy trying to write my thoughts again, now they are written they are gone, I moved on.  Can not believe how gutted I was, longest thing I have write for days.