The Undiscovered Country

Idling

Not moving forward or back. Looking around me, but no desire to travel in any direction no matter how tantalizing the paths before me seem.

Not sure why, and barely curious enough to find an answer.

Recently I looked at all the writing contests I've participated in, and I've either won or placed second in all but two. How is it then that I'm still uncertain?

Perhaps I'm fatigued. I've worked hard to get where I am, but it's still not enough. I'm not where I need to be. In spite of my successes so far, the encouragement I've received from friends and family, and an undeniable push from God to keep on keeping on, I doubt if I should. What's the point? My own edification, God's glory, what? No matter the end result, will the blood, sweat, tears and years be worth it all? Or is it a case of diminishing returns - if there will be any returns other than knowing that as I learn more about my craft, I will continue to discover I will never know enough?

Ugh. I hate stagnation. It's smelly, and no amount of deodorant helps.

It's a phase. I know that. Perhaps it's due to hormones (or lack thereof). With winter in full swing with too little exposure to sunlight, maybe I'm suffering from a slight bout of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Perhaps it's another symptom of my slight mid-life crisis. Perhaps a combination of all the above.

Whatever reason or reasons, it's temporary. Maybe I should enjoy the “downtime.” Who knows, maybe it's God's way of forcing me to rest, because I'll be entering another phase in my life when I can't rest as much. Downtimes can be just as necessary as uptimes, I think. Each presents its own unique opportunity for growth.

In other words, it's okay to slow down at times, to sit idle and absorb life instead of pursuing it.