Thoughts & Things

Anxiety

I felt alright for most of the day. A little under the weather, but not really anything out of the ordinary. That said, as the day has progressed, I have become more and more anxious about what kind of day tomorrow will be. I have doctors' appointments to attend, important phone calls to make, a sick relative to visit, and an outing with friends at the end of it all.

Busy days scare me. I have a deep fear of anything going wrong with the doctors' appointments or phone calls, and even more afraid that by the time the visit and the outing happen I will feel too unwell to get any enjoyment out of them. Of course the stress makes sleep difficult, which means I likely won't get enough of it, which means I am more likely to be wilting by the time I get to the enjoyable part of my day.

This vicious cycle seems to follow me everywhere I go. If I'm not anxious about the present, I am anxious about the future, and the anxiety causes me to lose sleep, resulting in a reason to feel anxious. I've always had the feeling of impending doom over any sort of important tasks to come, and actually having health issues only makes that worse.

Of course, the anxiety makes it difficult to relax using the things that would relax me when I don't feel anxious, like reading a book or watching a movie. It's all a matter of waiting for it to pass, which means sucking it up for now I guess. Sucking it up is hardly the best anxiety suggestion, but it's all I have right now.

I do have a song that I relate to heavily. Nighttime by Sammus. It's incredibly relatable for me, and it's easy to just listen to on repeat until I fall asleep. The lyrics open as follows:

Hey brain
We should talk
About some things
We’re on the rocks

I wish I didn’t get so Goddamn crippled by anxiety
We should get a grip over that side of me I’m tryna see
Cuz maybe if we could then I’d be brighter than Hermione
Or maybe do more good work as a writer like Queen Ida B
I tell you to resolve to take on more than we can do
But when I drop the ball, it’s weird; I’m sorta mad at you
Display a horrid attitude
Throw shade as hard as Lakitus
But I’m just scared of all the thoughts you’ll share
With no more to fat to chew





(I have committed to blogging daily with Give It 100. This is Day One.)