Carly's Ramblings Blog - Style

Commitments

30 Day Blogging Challenge

PROMPT January 15th
Write your entry today about commitment. Committing to an activity, craft, person, way of being, etc. Consider the concepts of diligence, honesty, and responsibility. What does commitment look like to you?

I think commitment is very important. I also know it is not an easy thing to do, particularly when things get rocky.
I am still smarting from my marriage crumbling to pieces... not because of infidelity, but because we grew apart and I felt I could not measure up to the standards my ex had for me. I still feel like a failure in this area of my life. We were together 8 years before we got together and 16 years married before we separated 3 years ago. That was 24 years of my life committed to a relationship that eventually bottomed out.

I try to tell myself it takes two, but I lived for many years with my ex blaming me for being the 'problem' in our marriage. I finally just got tired of it. He moved me out and I stayed gone. I think he might have thought I would have rallied to change and be what he wanted and come running back, but instead I backed away. I didn't want to be where I didn't feel loved and wanted.

Even now, three years later, I keep feeling like that was a childish view of things, but away from him my family and friends began to tell me what they really thought of him and how different I was when I was with him. I had lost that piece of who I was and that bothered me.

But apart from that.... I still feel I am a committed person. I continue to work in education, even though I haven't gotten my own permanent contract position. I am currently working in a long term occasional position in a special education class in a school I love to supply for... I am committed to them and I love feeling like I belong somewhere. I also love working with children who have special needs.

I am committed to my writing, which is slowly coming along. When I was married, my ex was not a fan of me putting in time on something that was not making us money. His hobby, fixing cars, made money. He expected a tidy house, that he would not be embarrassed by, if we had other people over. I do clean, but I am not as fastidious as he was and I refused to let my world be swallowed up by constant tidying up after him. I will admit I could be a bit more on top of things, but still.... I was still learning my craft and feeling too small to put myself out there.

Now, I take writing workshops, attend conferences and retreats and I have started to submit my writing out beyond the safe harbour of Writing.com. I have also made friends with people who are also writers... and they get me. It's nice to be understood.

I am committed to my writing and my teaching career. I am committed to my family and to my friends... some I've known since kindergarten. It always bugged me that my ex didn't have any long term friends. I was his longest relationship outside his family.... and even some of them he stopped talking to for a time. I'm still not sure if this is a guy thing or if it was just him.

I would also say I am committed to being a good person. To living my life in a way that lifts others up. That is why I love teaching and being part of a community of local writers.

I am trying to be more committed to living healthier - eating good food and moving my body. I am trying to integrate more meditation and yoga into my life.

I'm committed to be there for my mother so that she can continue to live in her own home. I am her calm when she starts getting anxious.

I need to let the failures go. They are like a noose, forever making me feel that I am not good enough. I hate feeling not good enough. I hate feeling like I through away something good, when it was not always good and it changed me into something and someone I didn't always like. Maybe I just suck at love relationships... but the thing is I don't want to be alone forever.... I'm just afraid to put myself out their to try again.