The Definition of Insanity

Riding the Happy Wave

Hi guys! Man, it’s been a while since I’ve done an impromptu entry, hasn’t it? Well don’t fret dear friends. I’m back! Today we’re going to be discussing three things: Kat, God, and the why of me blogging. But before we do that, just a note. I’m feeling good. I made a 100 on my biology test this morning, and since I’ve never done that in the class, I’m happy. I usually make 85s and up so this is an awesome feeling. I know it’s not a big deal to any of you, but it’s a success for me, and I just wanted to share it.

Now to go into the topics I shared above. The first thing up for discussion is God. I know I put in my bio that I am a follower of Christ, and I am, but I’ve realized I don’t share it much. I’ll comment on people I’ll pray for but that’s really as far as I go usually. I’m not sure if this is a bad thing, or if it even matters, but I wanted to talk about it anyway. God is a big part of my life even if it’s not as noticeable as others. I don’t go to church, and I don’t really talk about it with others. But I do read the Bible, and pray. I will talk about Him sometimes, but my friends don’t want feel like talking about it a lot. However, they are all followers too. And I know people would say, “well you need to go to church!” But I fail to see why. God doesn’t care if we sit in pews for three hours with eighty other people and talk; He just cares if we praise Him. I don’t like the attention in a church either, nor do I have the best experiences in one. It doesn’t help that my close friends haven’t had good experiences either.

I love God, and I want to make Him proud (is that stupid?). I find prayer soothing sometimes, and anger filled others. I don’t usually go into the anger side of it, but it has happened. I don’t like doing it. It feels...blasphemous. Maybe He doesn’t see it that way, but I struggle with seeing it in any other light.

The second thing is Kat. You all know my feelings for her, and for some reason, I got some clarity today. Maybe God was listening to us talk and understood what I was asking. I always rush into things, and I like labels, but I know I can’t do that with this. I don’t want to either. Anyway, there was this moment when we were talking. She said I need to go with my heart, and not my head. I overthink things and that tends to get in the way of a lot so this opened my eyes a bit. I can’t say why, but it did.

Now for the moment you have all been waiting for: why I blog. My whole life I’ve done things to suit other people, whether that means diffusing a situation, letting others do what they want instead of what I want, or agreeing to a belief that isn’t my own. And for the first time I’m not doing that. When I’m on here, and I’m writing, I do it solely for me. Sometimes it’s cathartic, and others just a way to quell my boredom but it’s for me. I noticed that when I got Instagram a few days ago, when I’m on it, I post for likes and to be seen. Because it, in some ways, is a reflection of my real life. I’m the quiet one, and people don’t notice me much in conversation unless I shout for it. Even then, I’m still quiet. I’m not good at yelling or projecting my voice.

But when I’m on here I write for me, and to connect with others. That is something I wish I could have in real life; the easy confidence of someone with knows they’re a newcomer and doesn’t care. I treasure my time in this community, and I pray one day I’ll be able to be like I am on here out in the real world.

Adíos 🍪