The Horde

Thoughts.

This evening as I try to relax watching the others in my apartment complex come and go. I wonder what my future has in store for me. I worry my son will not have what it takes to do online school. I so want an other that is 300 miles away from me. The thing is I make just enough to live week to week. So, a trip any where is always a wind fall of luck. Grant it the last time I planned anything it slapped me in the face. Sadly that was an unfortunate situation because my neighbors doctor said that they could not sit for long times. So, a 600 plus mile drive was out of the question.

Now, I sit here rambling to the one I want to be with just to have him say it's ok. He dose not mind reading what i write. Grant it that just makes me want to be able to spend even more time with him.

I'm a simple gal. I don't need much. Grant it something my ex could never learn was that us just doing simple things like going for a walk would keep me around and happy simply because we were doing something together.

I pray this time i get just that. Someone that really wants to be with me. Someone that dose not think the bottle is better than his family.

Just looking over this mixture of emotions it's easy to see how lonely I'm feeling right now. I might have been separated from my ex for 4 plus years as of this month, but it feels like it's been a lot longer than that. I raised my son watching out for his father because if the mans drinking. I left because our last fight he struck me in the eye and it triggered me into full battle mode. I still am not sure how I managed to keep from hurting him but I did pin him till the cops came. My wonderful son so little then dialed the phone for me. When the cops came I had to have them help me unlock my hands from were I had the man pinned to the ground and his hands above his head on the ground. The cops asked why i had locked my hands and i said so i did not kill the one i had pinned. They took him out to the car and i know thought about coming back in to take me till they walked in to see me wrapped around my son making sure he was ok. That was the last day i was with that man as family. I did try to give him a chance to sober up and take his family back but he decided drinking was better.

Yes i am rambling but i am in one of those moods it is better to get it out than to store it up for another day. I could use a hug. I could peace in my life again. I could use to be happy once more. I pray that the one I am taking with now is willing to be there for me. I'm not asking to see eye to eye. I understand it is ok to see things differently or to even agree that their ways of seeing something is not mine.

I want to be held and know that at least once in awhile I am though of and there is a chance I bring a smile to them knowing that they are loved as well.

I know it looks like a lot but really it is not it's just respect.