The Minefields of Separation and Divorce

Introduction

I decided to write this book in the hope of passing on the lessons and knowledge I gained during the process of the separation and subsequent divorce from my wife of seven years. Also, to afford you the reader my hindsight at what I would do differently, so you can have a better and fairer outcome in fields ranging from property settlement, divorce, domestic violence orders and mediating consent orders for the rights of your children to have access to both parents on an equal and shared basis.

You may think that amicable agreements, promises to do the right thing by each other, and by your children, will see you in good stead...and that is possible. But if things go pear-shaped, as was the case for me, your best chance of coming out the other side with your dignity, self-respect and a fair share of the assets pool, will depend on how you play your hand from day one of when you are either asked, forced or make your own decision to leave.

Separating from your partner is a major turning point in anyone's life, and if there are kids involved, it can be one of the biggest challenges you may ever face. For me, not being able to tuck my daughters into bed at night and reading to them was a very difficult thing to face. It's usually the simple things that we miss the most, and unfortunately, reading this book will probably not get those things back for you. What it can do, however, is help you negotiate the minefields and the common mistakes made when emotion and grief combine and can cause even the most level headed person do things that down the track, can and will come back to bite.

If I could go back, I would do almost everything differently. From the first days of realisation that things had changed...the unhappiness, the stress, and the feeling that this could be the end. Going into a fight or flight mode of acceptance, to wanting to fix it, to wanting to run. All of these feelings can come in a matter of hours. That is normal, but it’s not the feelings that will cause you to come out better or worse, it is how you act on those feelings in the highs and lows of the roller coaster ride of divorce that will ultimately decide what sort of deal you will get.

If you have children, I cannot stress how important it is that you always remain calm (in their presence). They should be the focus of both parents concern no matter what issues come to you both in the future. Easier said than done but, they did nothing to cause this situation, and often children take on blame and guilt when mum and dad separate. Reassure them, tell them they are loved no matter what. Be civil, even if your former partner is not.

Always try to take the high road because down the track, once the dust has settled and they grow into young adults, they will remember, and they will judge you on your integrity and on your performance as a single parent. They will still love you, so do the right thing by them, by your former partner, and more importantly by you. Show them your best, and hopefully, they too will do their best.