The Minefields of Separation and Divorce

The Writing is on the Wall

If you’re browsing this subject, obviously there either has been, or you can foresee problems with your relationship that could be life-changing for you. The signs I saw (in hindsight) were arguing or not talking at all, and not going to bed to sleep at the same time. My partner would stay up late on her PC or phone on Facebook. Our sex life was almost non-existent and her attitude towards me became dismissive and even contemptuous.

Choosing to ignore the signs could be catastrophic, but it may not be too late to try to save your relationship. Counselling, or taking a good hard look at your own behaviour could mean the difference between saving the relationship or at least salvaging something...something better than what you may think separation and divorce can bring.

For me, it was the arguing, name-calling, and the divisiveness that occurs towards the end of my relationship that was most regrettable, especially when done in sight or within hearing of our children. The stress that causes to them can have far-reaching consequences and should be avoided at all costs. In the heat of battle, it is easy to lose sight of who are the most important people in the equation, and I believe that as hurt as you may feel, it is nothing compared to how they must feel. Seeing the two most important people in their lives tearing each other apart is not OK.

Often couples remain together in unhappy relationships 'for the children', then proceed to live this facade that fools no one, least of all the children, who know you better than anyone. Then comes the big question...is it worth it? That depends on whether or not both you and your partner want it enough.

If eventually you can both get your act together, learn to forgive, move forward instead of bringing up the past whenever stress comes a calling, then yes I think any relationship is worth saving. If happiness can once again reign where before there was only sadness and desperation, I would always recommend that.

Divorce is hard....on you, on your partner, on your children, on parents, sisters and brothers, and it is hard on the system. The bottom line is divorce is a necessary evil, but eventually, happiness can be found again, but it can be a long and difficult road.

I will assume that your relationship is beyond repair, that you may have already separated, or are very close to that decision....this is where it becomes imperative that you think before you press send. Whatever you write in a text message or an email can and will be used against you in any future application for a domestic violence order.....men are by and large looked at as the perpetrators when matters of this nature come before the courts, and believe me, just because you have never raised your hand to your ex does not mean an order will not be made against you.

When I first separated from my wife, I had a friend who was doing a responsible men's course (domestic violence course). I noticed such a change in him, and at that stage, I was still hoping for reconciliation. I asked him for their details and made the call.

They asked me, ”Has there been any family violence in your marriage?”

Naively I lied and said that there had been, and they accepted me in the next intake. The next sixteen weeks were some of the most difficult, eye-opening and most important weeks of my life. Once I realised what domestic violence was, that I couldn't use provocation, jealousy, blame or any of the excuses I had told myself before, for yelling, breaking furniture, looking at her phone...all of the things that I had been guilty of....that's when ownership and a want to change came to me like a revelation.

I highly recommend talking to a Counsellor. One on one at the start, then for best results, in a group situation. Where men can talk to each other and learn to become better men. Even if your current relationship is lost, to perhaps avoid ever having to go through this again, we must accept the part we played in the demise of our relationship. Ownership brings about change, and even if you think the other party will not admit to their part, you can only control what you do, not what they do.