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A Day In The Life...... |
| Blogging to overcome writers block. |
Dear Little (Inner) LuAnn, First of all, let me say, that I really do love you, and care about what happens to you. I know that I have let you down by keeping you stuck inside this disgusting, morbidly obese body, and for this, I am so sorry. Long ago, I promised you that I would always take care of you, and for the most part, I have kept my word. I’ve worked hard to help you develop character, remain self sufficient, and to raise your son without depending on any one else. I was with you and gave you the strength to break free from the chains of childhood abuse that tightened around you, threatening to break your spirit. It was I that set your goals, and cheered you on, as you broke the boundaries that imprisoned all previous generations of our family’s females. So proud to see you become the first in this family to graduate high school, to drive a car, attend and graduate college, to have a career, and last but not least, to do it all without depending on a man. I have accepted responsibility for all choices, both good and bad, and have attempted to learn from my mistakes, as well as those of others. I feel your pain; both physical and emotional, as you watch life swirl around you, leaving you dizzy, and sickened by the fact that you are stuck on the sidelines, (precariously balanced on the edge of the chair), just watching life pass you by. Others do not see your beauty buried deeply within the fat that has defined you for far too long, but I do. I know your heart. I believe in you. I understand your fears and promise to help you complete your metamorphoses, by making choices that support your physical health. I want you to have the life that you deserve, and for others to recognize and appreciate what lies within, instead of being repulsed before ever even taking a peek inside. I want to celebrate your life with you, knowing that you truly are the best that you can be. Together, we can do this. All my love, LuAnn |
| Another day, another season, another decade? How long can I continue to cheat death? Am I doomed to a lifetime of physical and emotional pain? If there were a way out of this prison, would I not take it? I'm growing weary in my efforts to fight such an unrelenting and tenacious enemy, while those who stand on the sidelines whisper and point. "How could she let herself get so FAT?", strangers wonder, and quickly turn away in disgust. Assumptions firmly in place. Sometimes I actually forget. I'll catch myself, just enjoying life, but something will inevitably remind me that I am still disgustingly fat, and the self-loathing kicks in again. I feel like such a spectacle in public. I make it a point to be well-dressed and well-groomed. I'm confident in my abilities and know that I'm a kind and honest person, yet I still feel compelled to apologize for the "sight for sore eyes" that I have become. I grow increasingly reclusive, and deeply depressed. My joints are weak and worn and keep me in constant pain. I am slowly, but continually losing the optimism that used to dominate my personality. I pray for the strength to live another day. |
| Mom called today to tell me that the results of her chest x-ray revealed that the lung cancer has returned. She refuses any further treatment and talks about wanting to be with Dad. (He died from prostate cancer in 1999) She makes it sound so simple. Has she forgotton how Daddy suffered before he died? I know that she's 70 and in her right mind and therefore has every right to choose her own future. I may not like her choice, but I have to learn to accept it. Although we have never been particularly close, she is the only mother I will ever have and I will miss her. I pray we can keep her comfortable thoughout this sad and difficult journey. |
| Haven't been blogging much. Been spending more time on my autobiography. Feeling much better. Bronchitis is nearly gone now, all that remains is the hoarse cough. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Yuck, this bronchitis is kicking my butt. I'm coughing so hard that my abdomen & chest muscles ache. I wouldn't be surprised if I cracked a rib during one of these violent coughing spells. Doing good to my check e-mail, haven't felt like writing much, or doing anything else, really. Maybe tomorrow. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Today was a very good day. I spent it with my son and grand children. In my book, there's nothing like grand kids to cheer a body up! Hayden Eileen is four. Cute as a button with sandy brown hair and big blue eyes. Every body is her "friend". She assumes strangers are just friends she hasn't met yet. She is a high energy child that gets up with the chickens and goes non-stop until bedtime. She is a risk taker, just like her daddy. Has to be watched every minute of every day. She was just two when she managed to catch all the adults on the deck looking elsewhere for only a second, which was all she needed to mount her green, plastic tractor, and fly down the wheelchair ramp into the fenced yard. (Something she had attempted several times before, but was never able to complete, thanks to those pesky adults!) At the bottom of the ramp, the tractor continued on, but Hayden didn't. She landed on the sidewalk with a thump, and before anyone could get to her, she jumped up, brushed off her butt with her hand, and exclaimed to the crowd, "Hey guys, I did it!" I call her "Crash and Burn". Her brother, on the other hand, is totally laid back and cautious. Named after his great grandfather, Alton William is a deep thinker. He's happy to sit is someones lap and observe. Never too far from a trusted adult. Hopefully, he will continue to do his own thinking and not allow his sister to lead him astray, 'cause I know she'll try! He shares his sisters blue eyes and brown hair, but that's about where the similarities end. I was present at both of their births and hope to be around to see what kind of adults they will become. I definately have to be around long enough to see "the parents curse" come to fruition. You know, the old, "I hope your kids grow up to be just like you!" I know my dad took so much joy in uttering those words to me, then watching as my son pushed limits and exasperated me. He would smile, shake his head and mutter, "Uh huh, just like you, isn't it fun?" I love to watch my son parent. He never complains about changing dirty diapers and plays with them for hours. "Table time" was always special to him when he was young and it warms my heart to see him carry on the tradition of spending time every day, playing together at the table. Puzzles, play-doh, games, or coloring books and crayons, the activity was never as important as just spending time together, creating, laughing and just plain goofing off. I've come to the conclusion that grand children are gifts from God, a reward for all those tough years of thankless parenting. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I feel like I'm always waiting. Waiting for my life to change; to lose weight, to fall in love, to go back to the doctor's office. I seem to have lost all control of my life. It has become predictable, and mundane. My health is steadily declining and caring for my daily needs has become burdensome, and complicated by persistant pain. My friends have gone on with their lives. Some don't even bother to call anymore. I'm not mad, just sad and lonely. I knew this was coming, after all, we all age, just didn't realize I would be so debilitated so young. I was always such a proud "BBW". (big beautiful woman) My 5'7" frame could easily support my curvy 200 # plus body. But as my age and weight steadily increased, my joints began to object. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
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