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This is me rambling on and on about...whatever I feel like. Nice, eh? |
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I've always wanted a blog. I hope I can actually keep it up, and make it as interesting as possible for the readers. Sorry if I am failing miserably at either of those things. **Hope you like hockey. Then again...how could you not? 8>) |
| to risk (vb): endanger; do something despite a possible danger I've been thinking about risks lately. I think it was meant to be. I would say something along the lines of how I don't believe in coincidence usually, but that would be a lie. I don't rely on it, but it usually gets me thinking pretty good. So risks. I saw a poem about them on Christmas, and then again today in a book AND on my friend's Myspace. If that's not coincidence, I dunno what is. And I can even apply my thinking to my life. But usually thats the only reason we think, isn't it? Because it somehow relates to what we're doing at the time. I dunno where I'm going with this. But then again, I rarely do. Moving on now. I've read that if you risk nothing, you are nothing. And that you should only risk what you don't want to lose. "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain, To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." How inspiring, eh? All of this revolves around fear. Fear of what you might break, of embarrassment, of what might not be here tomorrow. Life is about not living afraid- being confident and happy and dreaming for tomorrow, but living for now. I don't know why thats such a hard concept. Courage is what everyone seems to want, but what so few possess. And when I need it, it's never there. I always have these moments when I feel super inspired. When I want to go out and do great things and be happy with myself for my accomplishments. But you see, whenever I am really inspired, I never really do anything. It always seems to be a day when theres no hockey or school, a time when there isn't a place to make my mark. And if there is, it always wears off by then anyway. Wow I just had bad deja vu. And I'm still having it. Ah. Anyway. I wish that inspiration and courage could be conjured up at anytime. Like before a game, or when I see someone and can do nothing but curl up into a ball, even though I should be saying hi. I was reading a book about mental toughness in sports, and how if you repeat a positive phrase to yourself over and over you will start to act on in subconciously. I wonder if it works in real life and not just hockey. I dunno. I just want to be...how I know I can be. That is my potential speaking. I think. I hope. Like during the summer, when you just want to be a good skater, so you decide to hop up and go run three miles. That happens, what, twice in three months? Or hey, I think I'm going to volunteer for this...and then, whoops, there it goes, waving at me as it flits away. Wow. WHY IS THIS STUFF SO HARD? (get ready for some hard core complaining. I'm sorry ahead of time). Why can't I strike up a decent conversation? Why is my mouth so big? Why do I think to much? Why do I screw around with the puck on the power play? Who came up with the idea of "playing hard to get"? Where is that gonna get me? Why am I so impatient for him to call? Why do we all want something more than what we have? Why can't I feel intense and inspired when I actually need it? Why is my wrist shot so horrible all of a sudden?! Enough of that. Today I was thinking about words again, and The Book Theif. How the words meant so much to Liesel (the main character) and how every day they seem to mean more to me. Words promote feelings- just reading them, and you can feel angry, nervous, or excited. Or anything at all. Just one phrase, and it can hit someone right where it hurts the most. It can give them the releif they need. It can get them so riled up that they want to pound some(thing/one). It would be amazing to be able to manipulate the words. To hold them and twist them like Play-doh. To make someone feel. I sound like such a girl. Not that there's a problem, but it's just interesting to notice that there's a difference in emotional whatevers. Something to get used to, anyway. With the mental toughness issue, I tried making phrases that I could say to make myself play better, to get pumped and going. I tried listening to songs whose lyrics make me want to (go go go score win) and that didn't seem to work either. All it took was one unlucky shot, and one pat on the arm, and then I could go. Of course, I won't be able to recall that feeling (rage) at the drop of a hat. And therefore, I won't be able to use it tomorrow at the game. I just need to do some more reading, probably. Something to get my mind going one way, and to get it away from the other thing. Also, I'm having a sleepover tomorrow with some of my favorites so that should be fantastic 8>) In other news, I had a dream last night that I got a C in history due to neglect of my project. And I'm not surprised. That is why I am devoting three hours tomorrow to that stupid *** thing and I am going to try and get it done so the rest of my vacation isn't ruined by nagging, annoying, I'm-about-to-drop-rocks-on-your-head stress. I'm not even kidding, I think this is the first time I don't care about the outcome. I'll probably regret that later, but I just want it done. There are more important things in life than a 100 point project that has already taken up more time than it's worth. I'm not worrying anymore. I am going to go to sleep, and I will sleep well. I will wake up and eat breakfast at the computer. It will taste good. I will take a quick, three-hour vacation break and do my homework like the good girl I want to be. Then I will party for the next week. And I won't worry. And I won't frantically check my phone for texts every 10 minutes. What I will do is enjoy myself and have fun with my friends. *Cue inspirational music* 8>) I'm in a really weird mood now. Ah well. Inhale, exhale, move on. ~ |
| Wow, can anyone beleive it? This time of year always seems to come so slow, and yet here it is, before any of us even realize it. I love Christmas 8>) It's weird though, because people act different around the holiday season. Everyone is so stressed out, about presents and traffic, times and whos bringing what food to this get-together, etc. It's supposed to be a happy time of year, and people work to make it happy, but then they never really feel it. Is having this extra appitizer going to make my Christmas better, I wonder? The strange part is that even though everyone is secretly stressed on the inside, they seem to know that this is the giving, happy season, so they still force a smile and say "Merry Christmas," even though inside they are worried about finding the perfect gift. It's nice having people smile. It's nice having them acknowldge eachother for once. It just seems so forced, just because it's Christmas. Hey, that's a great reason, but we should do that all year round, folks. I really should only speak for myself and not the multitudes who I see at the stores. There are some people that still don't smile. And there are some people that flash those pearly whites at everyone they come in contact with. I dunno. Personally, I would rather smile because I'm happy then because I feel obligated to. Obligation is like...doing it because you feel like you have to and not because you want to. That's probably not the definition in most peoples' books, but it is for me. I don't think much of that made sense. I will try to sum it up- Christmas makes people stressed, but makes them act happier. It's pretty ironic, and probably not as it should be. And what about the whole politically correct "Merry Christmas" thing? A Christmas tree is...a tree. Associated with the time of year. It has next to nothing to do with baby Jesus being born in a manger. How is it dissing other religions? I don't understand. If someone said, "Happy Hanukkah" to me, I don't think I would be offended. By "I don't think" I only mean that it's never happened before, and therefore I don't know what I'd be feeling. But I don't think it's a bad idea to respect someones beleifs even if they are different then yours. I read a verse about that in the Bible the other day. I don't really claim to have all of this right, or any of this right, but if everyone's religion speaks of peace and love, then why do they fight with eachother? I was reading an article today in Newsweek about baby boomers, and about their "Make love, not war" philosophies during the Vietnam War. I found this interesting, because I just got done learning about the Vietnam War in school. But it got me thinking about how they seemed to grow out of there ideals, and how "Make love, not war" was only for the young people. Why don't adults think like this? Maybe they've just seen more, had more experience, etc that has caused them to be more pessimistic in their thinking. I dunno. Maybe I should take a psychology class. Until then, I just hope that I will be able to think rationally and optimistically at the same time. If there is such a thing. I dunno. Well, Merry Christmas everyone! Remember the reason for the season... 8>)) |
| Here it is- my opinions on almost everything that has happened since last time I blogged. Sorry if you think it's lame and badly explained, but you'll just have to live with it. 1. Hockey, part 1 High school hockey, I've decided, is a different world from any other hockey I've played. It's held up on a pedestel, it's important, it's majestic. It comes with a responsibility. Yes, all hockey has that for the true players, but this time it's not just for us- it's the fans, the coaches, the parents. The people who watch the games on tv and read the scores in the papers. The college recruiters who write down your number and hand you a card. It's a different type of importance that it's difficult to be associated with. Yes, it's exciting to be held high, important, the representatives of your town in the girls hockey world. But there is a price to be paid for that oppertunity. Giving your all every day, taking the yelling, the hurts, the confusing politics, and dealing with the way things are. You have to humble yourself for the good of the team, while still embracing the friendly competition it takes to bring yourself to the next level. It's a difficult concept to grasp. I probably don't even have it right. The point is, not everyone gets it. And I always took pride in the fact that I understood, that I was right in the actions I took at the arena because they fit the Code. My ice time, getting my name announced...it was all so much nicer when I understood. I felt it. I really did. The majesty, the grace. (I hope I'm getting this right). That's what kings feel like when they get cheered for by the masses, and that's what I feel like when I'm standing at the blue line, lined up with my team, listening to the National Anthem. Lately though, the sheen is wearing off... It's one of those times when I just want to go back to my youth days, when we would go to practice then go skate outside because we loved loved loved the rush. Being good or bad never mattered, it was just the speed and the wind and the cold and your friends. It was always fun. It wasn't "do this or your sitting" or "we lost again, I'm dissappointed." When is it no longer worth the sacrifice? When is it better to have a good time, as the sport intends? I'm worried that I don't have what it takes. The coach speaks of glory, of the State Tournament and winning games. I want that, I really do, but I don't feel it. I've felt hockey in my heart when we score sweet goals, and I've been giddy with adrenaline after games. (I'm starting to sound cheesy, but I guess thats how it goes...) Hockey has always been the highlight of my day. What happens when it isn't any longer? How will I feel then? Maybe it wasn't meant to be. It's a legitamite worry, if you ask me. But I am skating outside tomorrow, so that should make it all better. 2. Hockey, part 2 So the other day during our game, one of our players got a really bad hooking penalty. It appeared that it was on purpose, even. There was a minute something left in the period and we were down by a goal. Our coach was furious. We got back into the locker room, to wait for the coach to come in and give us a period run-down. We knew it would contain some yelling, but we were painfully unaware of the course of events about to take place (Lol). Usually when someone gets yelled at we are just forced to listen patiently. Keep your head down, your mouth shut, it will all end soon, etc. Imagine my surprise when the girl denies getting the penalty, and even chuckles a little bit. Needless to say, that was the end of her game. The coach got even more pissed at her for "lying," "what's so funny?" etc, and sat her for the rest of the game. As on the bench. I was even more surprised when we reached the end of the game and she was gone. She had walked off the bench in the middle of the period. And the coach even thought of putting her in the game too. Our team was pretty pissed. They spoke of disrespect of the team, and they were right. Only one girl said she did the right thing. Right. Now that the story has been told, we can get on to my thoughts on the subject. I thought that it was stupid of her. You want to commit career suicide? Go and do what she did- disagree with the coaches, then leave your team. It worked pretty well for her. She can't play till shes talked w/ the coaches then said a formal apology to the team. It's been a week, and nothing. Pissed off? A little. There is something to be said about wasting your talent. You have talent, you have oppertunity. She was on second line, she had a chance. She threw it out like it was yesterday's garbage. It's unfair how some people are given such gifts and then don't use them. It's also the disrespect issue. (sorry, it's been a week and it's worn off a bit, so the feelings aren't as strong now and therefore harder to record.) Now I mostly just feel sorry for her. She threw it out, and it's going to be hard for her to get it back. We all know what doing things in the heat of the moment means for later. Bad things, man. Embarassment. Regret. Etc, etc. Enough about that. 3. My friends, part 1 (they come in order of when they occured) My group of friends has always been pretty exclusive. Not because I'm hated or anything (at least I don't think so...) I'm just shy and I don't open up to people unless I've known them for awhile. Fair enough, right? Lately, I've been a little bit more talkative. This is mostly, if not exclusively, in my Blocked English and History class, where everyone has been together for two periods a day for an entire term. I have people in that class who want to hang out with me. They've asked me to have a sleepover with them. I want to go. They are nice. I was thinking about this, and the whole "exclusive group" thing, and I noticed how I only have a couple of really good friends that I hang out with, mostly because I do not have enough time to hang out with anyone else. I am always skating with my hockey people, and hanging out with them is so great (!) that I want to do it again and again. Then I get into my school world, and I want to hang out with them. I decided that I needed to work on my time management issues. Also, I don't want new friends to replace my old ones. One is silver and the other gold, right? I love my friends. I just like my new ones too. There are some people (cough) who have too many friends to count that they hang out with regularly. How do they do it, I wonder? I worry about these kinds of things, because I like what I have. But people are always striving for more than they have, and that's just how the story goes I guess. Or theres a song lyric- "Have what you want, and want what you have." Good, yes? Need I mention that one of my new friends is of the male persuasion? Tricky tricky...but more on that later. 4 My friends, part 2 My friends....they disagree sometimes...oh yes they do...okay. They like to fight. Particularly my two goallie buddies, who bitch about eachother so much that I can hardly keep their stories straight. Then there is my best friend, who occasionally gets on a certain person's nerves (not mine though, dont worry 8>)) for using her seniority to her advantage. These buddies of mine always seem to be in the drama. It's only annoying on days like today, when it gets so bad that it comes up and slaps me in the face and says "Pay attention to me, because I definetly require it." By that I mean, I don't like it when my friends fight. I hear stories about how bad this person is, and how mean this girl's being, and "What the hell is she thinking?" all the time. Sometimes I have to agree. Sometime's I don't. But the moral of this story is that I am friends with all of the above and I don't want to hear it. (Or I shouldn't want to. But we know better, right, AJ? Lol.) I want to be there for you to rant to, and I want to help you all be the best people you can be. But it's hard for me when I'm being shown everyone's faults on a daily basis. Yes, I agree that this girl is being wierd and should face reality, but what is talking about it gonna do? Love and peace, guys. Love and peace (or else). That is the title of a U2 song. And in the spirit of Christmas, I think we should all listen to it. Good song. I like U2. 5. My friends, part 3 I don't know what I'm going to say in this section. All I know is that... I went from no boys speaking to me outside of class, to giving a boy my number, to talking to boy in a public place, to setting up a get together w/ boy, to arguing over the boy with someone else all in the span of two days. I can't beleive it. Also, I have no idea what to do. I honestly don't. I probably shouldn't have skipped all those articles about boys in Seventeen, huh? And yet, this shouldn't be a big deal. But (see section 3) boyfriends (argh) seem to block people from seeing thier buddies. There is a perfect example of that in someone I know. It is uncool. Also, I can't even drive for four more months. It seems almost pointless to have a boyfriend when you cannot drive. Having a parent drive you to your dates has got to be one of the lamer things I've ever heard. Finally, I know him based on what I've seen in school, and people usually act kind of different at school (at least I do.) He's a nice guy and I like him and all (he's also cute and funny, in case you were wondering) but I can't help but feel I don't know him very well. That needs to come through talking, and I am shy and a bad conversationalist. Not to mention today, when I was trying to talk to him with a bunch of people sitting around oooh-ahhing at me. Like I needed that people. In conclusion of this topic, because it is starting to get tiring after talking about it all day with various parties who are oh-so-interested in my love life for some reason, I am lost and confused and I am winging it from here. I am determined to have a nice day tomorrow and for the rest of Christmas break. The end. *Al, do you think it's weird for me to have a boyfriend? That I "just don't seem like the kind of person who would do that"? Lol. I don't think I'm ready for this, apart from the whole lack of car thing. I don't want to pull a Sox (no offense at all) and I don't want to be a different person either. Thoughts? To quote Bruce Springsteen: "All I know is I woke up this morning, and somehting big was gone." 6. Conclusion-type piece We were doing poetry in English last week, and I pulled out a couple of good peices. I was messing around with one of them since this summer, and I finally seemed to make it work. Kind of. A little. Funny how school makes you do that, eh? I think I'm going to make it into a short story too, because it's just a good topic. Here it is, just in case you were wondering:
I really hoped that worked. I'm not exactly tech savvy. I have another one too that isn't as good but I'm too lazy to type it right now. It is like, quarter to one. I'm just that determined. I was thinking that I'd really like to be a writer when I grow up. Maybe a journalist. I dunno. I hear they don't make much. Whatever. So I guess that's all. To sum it up: Hockey is wierd, I'm getting new friends (I think), the people I care about fight occasionally, I met a guy, and I am dazed and confused. The end. Sorry it's so long. |
| Describing words: confused frustrated hypocritical restrained full empty ignorant spirited fast free unsatisfied ungrateful anxious lost special stressed important disappointed best hard worst simple speechless profane passionate regretful quiet unrestrained bursting helpful bright That's really random. Oh well. Im tired. Have a nice night~ |
| I'm getting pretty good at this titling thinga, eh? Lol. So, it's been awhile. Busy, you know. Anyway, my project deadline keeps getting backed up, which is good/bad. Good because I have more time to work on it (which I need), and bad because I have to keep thinking about it. Stupid stupid projects! For once I want to take a challenging class that doesn't require hanging-over-your-head deadlines. How bout you make something due next week instead of three months from now, eh? Teachers out there: Time is not the answer! How to know if you are a workaholic/project procrastinator (if you realize it, maybe there's still time to change?): 1) You take all your meals at the computer chair (and their are stacks of dishes surrounding your keyboard). 2)You stay up at night thinking, thinking about your work/project to the point where you might as well still be working instead of trying to sleep 3) Days get longer, nights get shorter (see above) 4) You find yourself freaking out about everything. Spaz spaz spaz. 5) You feel so stressed that you feel the need to down chocolate. Mmm, eh? 6) You don't have time/willpower to read during breakfast. Too busy worrying. And I might be late for school. (Slept in too late...again....) (I also want to write a story, but I can't manage to find a minute. Sucks, eh?) 7)Room is a mess. Desk is a mess. Kitchen is also a mess. 8) Parents are crabby at you because everythings a mess. 9) You feel embarassed that your teacher/boss is going to have to see the crap that you intend to turn in, because frustration has brought you to the point of carelessness. 10) Hockey is the only reason you want to get up in the morning, rather than his snooze for the twenty second time. And to comb your amazing new blonde and purple hair. Just kidding. (about that being the reason I wake up, not the fact that my hair is blonde and purple, because amazingly enough, it is.) But that's a whole different story altogether. It starts like this: our hockey team is a little on the wacky side, and the upperclassmen (some of them, anyway) decided it would be a good idea for us to all go bleach blonde and colorful. So what does everyone do? Either a) caves under the peer pressure or b) decides it will be a great oppertunity to change their appearance. Anyway, now mostly everyone is bleach blonde and colorful on their heads. Its pretty interesting. I felt like everyone was gawking all day. I tell you, it's like no one has ever seen anyone with purple hair! And that's really saying something, with Hollywood and everything. I bet it's just unexpected, because for me it's just a little bit out of character. Yes, the bookish girl across the room can and will walk around with purple hair. Eat that you crazy outgoing ones. Lol. Kidding, totally kidding. Anyway, I've decided that Christmas is a difficult holiday. Shopping, anyway. There were like ten million people at the store today, and I couldn't find anything I wanted to buy anyway. It was definitely a waste of an hour of my day, that could have been spent working on my documentary. (Hey tech savvy ones- I am mucho jealous of your skills. My computer/camara/flash drive all hate me with a passion. Or at least that's the vibe I'm getting...) But I think I am going to stick to making gifts, because then if their lame I can at least blame my crap art skills instead of my inability to pick out decent gifts. And besides, I get way to excited looking at all the toys. So, I'd probably play with it once if I bought it. That doesn't mean they aren't totally cool. 8>) And how come series box sets have to cost so much? I looked at House Season 3- $43! Can you beleive it?!? Sure, it's probably like 20 hours of entertainment but still! I like buying my DVDs for $14.99 thank you very much. Okay, enough complaining for one entry. Now is the part where I move on to more reasonable discussion. Maybe. Possibly. So we are learning about the Holocaust in English. It has got to be the most depressing unit I've ever been in. Every day we go in at quarter to eight in the morning and watch videos about survivors, and they always end up crying and describing the worst years of their lives so vividly that it makes me feel nausious. It goes along with this book we're reading, Night by Elie Wiesel, I'm sure you've heard of it, it won a Nobel Prize. Anyway, it really makes me feel guilty when I read it. Not because we're all safe here (or maybe that's it) but because I, and a lot of others in this generation, take everything for granted. I mean, I wake up, eat, go to school where I am not threatened by soldiers with firearms, eat, go to hockey where I am not threatened by the government, eat, hang out with my friends while probably eating, go to bed. It's like, hmm... sometimes they went days w/o food, and they would kill their friends/family just for a crust of bread or something. I just finished eating a whole piece of bread. And I am still unsatisfied with life sometimes. Why is this? Then there is the whole school issue. What would I rather be doing right now: working in a forced labor camp or working on my history project? No brainer, man. No brainer. You see? Reading about horrible things puts me in a very interesting state of mind. Half grateful, half sad, etc. Today we had a discussion in class. I think everyone thinks I am a Nazi supporter because I wondered aloud whether or not Hitler thought he was doing the right thing. I mean, people fight for what they beleive in all the time. It's just that killing 6 million and trying to take over other countries is a tad on the illegal/immoral side. Well, not a tad. More like, A LOT. I just like to think that people have reasoning behind thier actions, and although the reasoning may not be correct it's still reasoning. It's almost as if it makes it a little bit more acceptable. Well, not really. Okay, lets put this in more down-to-earth-for-us-safe-people terms. At hockey, there are always coaches/teammates yelling at you to keep your head up and pick a corner, look before you pass, etc. But my big thing about this is: Since when are you my eyes, in that you can tell me I didn't see where I was passing? For all you know I have amazing peripheral vision. You thought I wasn't looking. I was. Or in the game the other day. Coach: "What are you doing? Go get the puck!" Me: "Um, that would bring me out of position, then they would pass it to this person I was supposed to be covering, etc." See, two different viewpoints, both supported with various reasons. The Nazis were pretty evil. We all know that. It is hammered into our heads every day. But I really want someone to explain to me what the h*** they were thinking. Because it's pretty hard for me to grasp my mind around any concept that makes their idea a good one. (World domination? Not good enough.) Probably because there wasn't one. It really pisses me off when someone tells me I didn't see it when I actually did. Geez it happens all the time. Once I got in a massive argument with my summer coach about it. It was the "No you didn't!" "Yes I did!" variety that went on until I had to take my next shift. Psh. I tell you, my thoughts are my own, and you can't read them and know that I wasn't looking. (Unless you posess some secret powers. Which I doubt. That only happens in Harry Potter. (Which comes out soon, in case you were wondering).) Okay, lemme restate that: my thinking didn't hurt anyone, and therefore you cannot know whether it was wrong. Happy now? I think I'm starting to contradict myself. Just goes to show how friend my brain is. I should really go. Until next time, reader(s). |
| Last night I had a dream that I was hiding in a basement. It wasn't really a safe basement, but we were using it as a bomb shelter. For some reason, I was crouched opposite a window. Great, eh? The bombs that flew in were little- about the size of fireflies that zip around in the night. They were bright and floaty, like feathers, but radiated a light that was anything but soft. Unless you knew what they were (the reason we were all hiding in a bomb shelter) they could easily be mistaken for highly noticable dust motes that reflected the strong light of the dying sun. That is, until they exploded. I hid under a pillow as they went off, and for some reason it protected me from the fire. The explosions weren't that big, similar to the pre-detonated version, but they were only a couple feet away from me and I could feel the waves of heat that they emitted, like ripples in a pond. Right before I woke up I saw one of my friends walk right into the explosion. I called her name, told her to stop, to run, anything but walk right into the path of the bomb. She didn't listen. My alarm went off. I heard somewhere that dreams come from something you encountered in the past 24 hours. Interesting....especially considering the dreams I've had before... of mass murder and ghosts and.... explosions. I was reading a WW2 book the other day, which is probably where that came from. The Book Thief. Maybe you've heard of it? It's gotta be one of my favorites (it gets to join that not-so-exclusive group... I'm sure it's very proud 8>)). Anyway, its about a girl living in Nazi Germany, who befriends a Jew. It's really sad. Something to do with the end, that I won't give away (even though there is extensive use of foreshadowing, so if you haven't already guessed, you will soon) although I will tell you that it includes a bomb. All I have to say is, I am really glad I live where I do. All it takes is a book about Nazi Germany to make you appreciate life so much more. The author of TBT, Markus Zusak, does a really amazing job of bringing the characters and their stories to life. Great as that may be for avid readers, it also drags them into that world- Germany during WW2- and throws many real dilemas into your head. One big one- secrecy. If you oppose the Nazi Party, and you let people know about it, you are basically screwed. Having a secret of that magnitude locked up inside of you...just think of how crappy that would be. For us big mouthed individuals, that means words just creeping up your throat, sitting on your tongue and knocking on the backs of your teeth, yelling, "Let me out, you crazy fool!" Secrets mean that awkward silences CANNOT, MUST NOT be filled. Unless, of course, you have the control to say something else that won't cause the Gestapo to come calling. On that same note, you have the ever popular Freedom of Speech issue. If you keep a diary, or account of your thoughts, you better keep it hidden and/or burn every entry. Now as a diary writer, I know that it would be incredibly difficult to burn your words. Every sentance, every page, they are like your babies. (I guess. If they are any good, anyway 8>)) You grow incredibly attatched. Although if your life is at stake, then I suppose it might not be a very hard decision. I read these books once, Witch Child and it's sequel, Sorceress, by Celia Rees (another good author that gets to sit on my bookshelf). This book takes place during the years of early colonization in the Americas, ie, the Salem Witch Trial era. The main character, whose name I cannot remember right now (I think its Mary...maybe), is a witch, and keeps all of her secrets in a diary. When the woman she lives with, who cares about her very much, finds it, she insists that they burn it. Hey, when you are a witch living in a Puritan society, either your words burn, or you burn. Instead, she decides to sew each page between the layers of her quilt, hidden in with the stuffing. Of all the lessons that could be learned from following the story of a German girl in a Nazi-dominated society, the one that jumped out at me most was the one about mouths, and how they are kept shut. Best friends, neighbors, the could be holding massive secrets, and you would never even know. If your secret is spilled, you might never be seen again. I don't know why that strikes me so hard. It just seems like something that directly applies to the society I live in. People are so quick to run their mouths, myself included, without stopping to think about the consequences. I mean, no, I probably won't die, but opinions are still made and fragile things can still be broken. No, a crabby bunch of military guys probably won't come beat my door down, but there are certain things at stake here. Peace between members of the hockey team, for example. Peace between friends, aquaintances, enemies...hey, smooth sailing guys. Whooo. As well as the whole thankfulness angle. It's probably a good thing I read this over Thanksgiving break, eh? Pray for the soldiers oversees. And those who are sick, grieving, or just having a really bad day. And people who have tests tomorrow. They will all appreciate it, I'm sure. 8>) Also, I suggest you pick up a book or something. I mean, you are reading my blog, but it's not like theres really much to find, except good reviews on a couple of other books. 8>) You should really go see for yourself. Until next time then~ |
| I don't like who I am right now. Frustrated, frustrated, frustrated, that's what I am. Frustrated at the things I can't control, and at the things I can control that I let slip away. Before I reacted. Before I could control them. I don't like who I am when I am frustrated. I am mean. I am self-centered (can'tcha tell?). I cry sometimes. Don't be sad, they say when you cry. Don't feel sorry for yourself. But I am sorry. Sorry and confused and frustrated. I yelled at my sister today. She was trying to tell me I had a good game, even though she didn't even watch it and obviously didn't know that the score was 0-3. She's eight, she doesn't know any better. I told her to get lost. My mom says she probably won't remember it later, she probably doesn't care. I care. Skating...is. I remember how I felt a half hour before the final buzzer sounded. I chased some girl around. It was fun watching her stumble with the puck- I saw oppertunity, the chance to do something fun like snatch it from her and go get a shot. Maybe the shot would go in. That feeling- of speed and power, a rush that makes your breath catch and your lips form a smile- was amazing. It always is. After all, there is a reason I devote so much time to this game. And when they score three goals, two of them when you're out on the ice, it sort of washes some of the fun away. Letting your team/self/town/coaches down, angry that the other team is laughing at you, frustrated because she was faster and stronger, and sad because in the back of your mind, the little annoying voice sits and snaps at you. "You could have done better. Why didn't you do better, eh?!" An embarrassment. All I'm saying is, Why did that feeling have to get taken away from me?! I sat in the locker room after, listening to what we did wrong, what to improve on, etc, and all that I could think about was the "hockey high" that wasn't there. I left it on the ice at the end of the second period. It's pride. It's accomplishment. Tonight I don't feel either. ****** Enough about that. I need to calm down. It matters a lot, and as much as I want to think about it, I am going to will myself not to. Today A and I went to Target, where she bought like, 10 little things of Play-doh. She gave me one. It's green. They are pocket-sized, so whenever we are bored or whatever, we can just whip out the Play-doh, and boom! instant entertainment. She was playing with her sweet orange Play-doh before the (game) today. It was amusing. 8>) Life is more fun when you are a kid at heart, eh? The Play-doh discovery came last night, when we went up to watch a couple of our friends play eachother. My sister, the 13-year-old one, had some Play-doh. Anyway. After the game last night, we all went out to eat, and came to the happy conclusion that we would never want to lead a bar life. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that many people enjoy it very much, but it just wouldn't float my boat at all. Even though smoking has been banned, thankfully, it still has that smell... and the music is kind of loud and dirty. There is also the constant threat of guys with darts and pool sticks. Of course, that didn't stop us from playing pool all night, as well as that hunting game. Playing pool with us amatuers is pretty funny. You have your really good shots, and then your really crappy miss-the-ball-entirely shots. We mostly just laughed the whole time, which only got us a couple looks from Biker Dude on the pool table next to us. Like, "Isn't it past your bedtimes, children?" Please. Just because bars aren't frequented by younger crowds doesn't mean they aren't open to the public. 8>) I really need to stop partying for awhile. Tomorrow is the final day of the fantastic, five-day Thanksgiving weekend, and it needs to be a productive one, eh? So I'm gonna go to sleep now. Let's see what tomorrow will bring, shall we? Much love~ |
| Hey...sorry it's been so long. Busy busy busy. But not for long- there is now a fantastic amazing 5-day weekend for Thanksgiving! Yess! Can you believe that it is already the holiday season? Some stations are already playing Christmas music, and after Thursday it's all Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer all the time! My mom and sisters actually count the amount of times they hear it. At the very least, it is once every single time we get in the car. Personally, I like the slower songs better as they help to set the true Christmas-y mood. ie, Do You See What I See? and The Christmas Song (chesnuts roasting...on an open fire...you can't go wrong!) and of course, the Little Drummer Boy. I mean, yes, we want to be jolly, but we can be jolly and reflective too, right? We should truly be able to cherish the season... warm fires, family, food, lights, snow (hopefully!)...it's just all amazing. The holiday atmosphere. Loving and warm. Mmmmmm. Jingle Bell Rock? It's like, NO. And no one knows all the verses to The Twelve Days of Christmas anyway. Blah hmm uh right........Five golden rings?....and a partridge in a pear tree...? What the heck is a partridge anyway? A bird? Ha. Just kidding. It was just amusing because the hockey team tried to sing it the other night. You can only imagine how that went. Ah, Christmas. Lol. In other, more hockey related news, we beat one of our bigger rivals today (!). We even had a student section, who actually did the sieve hand! Sieve, sieve, sieve! I mean, yes, we all like good sportsmanship and everything, but it was very funny. Who would think that students would get that into our games? They usually only like the boys. Oh, the strides we are making in the community...I hope? Anyway, practice is cancelled for tomorrow, which means I get to sleeeeeeep. The past two nights have been fairly crappy, because I was staying up late preparing for a conference with my Block teachers. It went better than I thought it would, so I guess my lack of sleep wasn't in vain. We hava a really big project, that takes up the entire semester, that is a tad on the stressful side... But the next due date isn't for two weeks, so I can breathe easy for the time being. Basically, I am very very excited for this weekend. First, the hockey game (which we won! Yes!) then free day, then Thanksgiving (yummm), then practice/free day, then another game day (wooo!) and then Sunday. For some reasons, all the Sundays in the past couple of weeks have been just horrible. I mean, I usually don't mind the prospect of back to school very much, but for some reason it's been really bad. Probably because there is nothing to do. Except for work on my project, watch tv, etc. That's all well and good, but it just seems like such a waste of a day. And even though I rest all day, I go to bed...tired. I should really go to church. Our family hasn't been going to church really. It makes me sad. I like singing at church. Speaking of, I really want to be more involved and stuff. There is a mission trip coming up in the summer, which lasts nine days. We get to take a train ride out to Idaho and hike through the mountains and help the less fortunate. It really sounds... fun. I've always wanted to go on a mission trip. For some reason my parents are against this idea. Probably something about me missing hockey, which is a big investment of theirs as well as mine. I love hockey. I love the rush, I love the people, etc. It's all good. But there's something to be said about variety, and I don't want to go through life thinking that I've missed out on amazing oppertunities because I was clinging to one thing that I love. I'm sure everyone is stuck in this dilema sometime or other. Some things are just so time consuming, and it's as if nothing else is allowed to exist. I've always admired those people who have their finger in every pie- the ones who are known by everyone just because they do everything. I wonder how complete they feel. Like they've seen the light, or something. It's hard not to wonder what I may be missing.I mean sure, I feel content and everything with what I have, and it's an amazing thing, but sometimes doubt seeps in and pokes at me. "Try it?" it asks. "You might like it." I wrote a paper on that once for English. I got an A. It's kind of hard writing for school. I'm always afraid that teachers are going to see something in there that I didn't intend for them to, and they are somehow going to think differently of me.... Which begs the question, Who really cares? Teachers teach 100 students every term, I doubt they are going to set aside time to sit and question the inner workings of my soul. Inevitable thoughts bother me. But, I suppose, that is part of the creative process. If I even have a creative process. Hmmm.... Anyway, the holidays are a time of good smells that make you recall fond and happy memories. (It makes for good writing/reflection, eh?) That's why I like this season, in addition to the whole snow/outdoor ice thing. It makes everything so much nicer. Magical. I hope our hockey season is magical. State tournament? (Doubt is an annoying thing. Tell it to leave you alone. I will try also. Hopefully it will work and make our lives much better.) 8>) Much love, readers.~ |
| We lost our game tonight. I really feel like slime. We put up a good fight, But they scored in overtime. We were so excited, when we came back from behind. But the game abruptly ended I wanted to push rewind. The ref blew the final whistle. Our goallie's face just crumbled. Nothing could have stopped the flood The day our record stumbled. The cool goal that I should have had Came flooding back to me I missed the net, it made me mad Frustration comes easily. Enough with rhyming It's kind of driving me insane because I'm not good at it. All I know is next time Their asses are ours. (Thats a mouthful. Are ours? Wow) I think I'm turning evil. Or crazy. Or both There is constant anger and annoyance and lack of adherance to my schoolwork. I think I'm just upset tonight. But honestly, I think I've swore more in the past two days than in my entire life. Veering away from whatever morals I seem to think I have. Forgetting to be thankful that I'm alive. Today I was helping little kids learn to skate. And someone was rolling tires onto the ice. For them to skate around, presumably. Just my luck, one rolls right up to me. And I'm not paying attention, of course. And splat, Next thing I know, I'm laying on the ice, And my knee is hurting. And I was laughing Because how stupid must you be to be wiped out by a tire? Pretty stupid, I would think. Anyway. I think the worst part about losing, Is the fact that everyone is sad. Disappointment hurts. He looked right at us and said, "Don't be sad. Mad, okay. But sad, no." And I'm like, You make this game seem like such a massive deal, then we lose it, you tell us you're disappointed, and you don't want us to be sad? Obviously you think we are guys. Actually, I was a little pissed off Because I actually thought we were gonna win. We lose to this team every year. We tied it up at the end of the third and I was like, "Oh my gosh. We're gonna win." Then it's like, "Ohh sh*t." I didn't even get to go out. I don't know if I thought I would have done something. It was just frustrating. Sitting on the bench and knowing you can't do anything to affect the outcome of something you want so bad. And I mean, it's just a game But emotions are what they are And if someone was disappointed in me For crashing a school bus filled with 50 smiling first graders It would still be disappoinment And it would still hurt Probably for a lot longer But it would still hurt. Because I should have turned right instead of left and I should have shot upper left instead of lower left and it would have gone in because there was open net there but noooo shoot where the goallie's stick is why dontcha? It's annoying. Last night I went over to (insert name here)'s house (Lol. I talked about you. Happy? Eh? Bee? Haha) And we watched Titanic. And I had that stupid song stuck in my head all morning. But it was amusing. I don't know why; it was a pretty sad movie. This is really getting lamer by the minute. Don't have anything worthwhile to say that isn't about the hockey game. At least not at the moment. I was thinking of something the other night. Don't remember now though. Tschuss. ~ PS (that stands for post-script, didja know? Cool, huh?): She Who Shall Not Be Named As Of Now- Think of a codename or something, unless you want your identity pasted all over the web. But now that I think about it, you have your name and school on MySpace.Duh. Doesn't matter. PPS (post-post-script? Who knows...): Don't you hate it how when you're leaving the rink, everyone is talking and laughing and trying to make pleasant conversation and you're just like, "Gotta go. Bye." and they don't seem to realize that no matter how many times they say, "Too bad it didn't work out" you still don't want to talk, you just want to go home and take a shower and get in bed so you can feel sorry for yourself in private? It's a pathetic system when you actually think about it. But life goes on. It's only a game after all. I think. I sound like someone died. We're all alive, and well. It snowed this morning, briefly, although it didn't stick to the grass. I have a house. I ate a delicious peanut butter sandwich. It was good. I had milk with it. My friends are amazing. My family loves me. I'm going to go take a hot shower with soap that smells good. My bed is soft. "My shoe is off, my foot is cold. I have a bird I like to hold." I like to read Dr. Suess. Life is good. Okay, I'll shut up now. |
| Ahhh. I stayed home from school today because I didn't feel well and I want to be better for the game tomorrow night... among other reasons.... one of them being that I *was* 5 hours of reading behind on one of my projects (now I'm only like, 2 hours behind. Smiles.), and my mom wanted me to get better. But I really don't like staying home all day. In my pajamas. Laying around. Watching TV. We all know how that goes. Never gonna get to sleep tonight. My legs are like play-doh with disuse. Blah. (Although I have a sweet bruise on my leg. Took a shot there. Hurts so good, you know? Lol) On a more positive note, we won our game last night, 3-0. There were like, 2 dozen penalties, so the special teams (keyword:special. I guess you have to know the girls to get it. heh heh) were out all night. It's one of those things where the same 7 or so people go out over and over, so that we can score and/or stop them from scoring more effectively. Last night I was one of 'em. Going out for so many shifts in a row was a little hard on my lungs, being that I'm sick and everything. I would call for a pass and I sounded like a frog, I swear. Croak. Croak. Sigh. But hey, we won, so it's all good. But it's still awkward (booooo. hisssss.) because while 7 people keep rotating every other shift there are 10 others just sitting there watching you go out every other shift, and, okay, I can't help but feel kinda bad about it. It's like, in an alternate universe, or heaven, or wherever people get equal playing time/enough time to satisfy them, no one would have to complain/deal with awkwardness (ew. yuck). And no one would have to be hypocritical and argue about who is getting the least amount of ice. Come on, it's a sad day when someone can "brag" about having the LEAST amount of playing time. At least that's what it seems like to me. "Feel bad for me. Give me all of your pity!" I'm not gonna deny it- everyone does that, including myself. Like, hey, at least you aren't all as sick/lazy as I am. Ha! Just kidding. Honestly, though. I don't know. We all have those moments when we just can't keep our mouths shut. Isn't that why we keep blogs? So we don't have to keep it all in? It drives me crazy! Both the thoughts that torment my head and the inability many people have to lock their lips and toss the key. I don't think I'm making much sense. Oh well. Anyway. High school hockey is a miserable place to be if you don't get what's going on. ie, how the lines work, how to act, etc. I have seen some people sit on the bench the entire game and still smile like they were the happiest person alive. That would be nice, wouldn't it? I have a cup! And guess what?! It's half full! Mmmmm. It's all in perspective, I guess. I wonder which attitude is more fun, eh? Homework time. Again. Sigh. Guess what? I get to go to school tomorrow! No sarcasm intended at all. 8>) Hasta la vista~ (How come I can never manage to get all of one thought down at a time before moving on to the next one? Note to self: work on organization skills. Or lack thereof. Bye!) |
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