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A third journal of personal musings |
 My life always continues to change and it only stands to reason that with each change, there should be a journal dedicated to it. |
Prompt: "I haven't lived a perfect life. I have regrets. But that's from a lifetime of taking chances, making decisions, and trying not to be frozen. The only thing that I can do with my regrets is understand them." Kevin Costner Do you often regret things and what do you do about your feelings of regret, if you have any? There are a few things I regret, but one is more of an emotional response and the other is having 20/20 in hindsight. A lot of stuff of my life that I wish were better, whether it's having a different/better job, it's more just being unlucky in time. Like when I graduated in 2007 and the economy tanked. Or how for a long time, we were always like year behind the cost of living. We thought we might never buy a house because we always just seemed to be behind the price hikes and the interest rate increases. One of my regrets is just wishing I'd been a better daughter to my parents, helped them better financially. It's an emotional response since their deaths. Sometimes I get in a dark mental spiral about it, but then I just tell myself that it's a common emotional response and I just force myself to think of other things. The other was when I was in college and I'd graduated with a BFA in graphic design (focus in web design). I could've gone on to get my Masters, but I was so mentally tired from college that I decided against it. But then I began to realize that the economy was tanking and finding a job, at least where I lived in New York, was almost impossible for me for two reasons. One, I learned design (of web design). Prior to the economy tanking, you had someone who did the designing and someone who did the coding. I knew some light coding. After the economy tanking, they combined the positions and then made it so you needed +years of experience. I did get some interviews, but nothing after. I did got a provisional job, working for a company that put wifi's in Denny's. They wanted to dip their toe into web design. I explained I didn't know any deep coding, the owner (this was a small local company) said this was fine as that's all they needed. Turned out that wasn't at all what they needed. They told a lady who ran a vacation/tourist website for a city in Florida that they could move the website to their servers and maintain it for her. They ripped the website to their computer and fucked up all the code. It was my job to fix it. I tried to explain that I couldn't, but that I should try. The website was a lot more complex and tilted into more advanced coding than I knew. If I really cared I would've at least tried to tell them that there's an ability through hosting to transfer websites, but I had already decided that just before the holiday when they took a break I wasn't coming back. It was supposed to be like 30 days and ended up going to nearly 4 months. I'd call and let them know what my days off were and would work there on my days off. So, after the holidays, I just never called back. They never called me. I never felt guilty about it. I never felt true regret until I had gotten a job working with a friend I'd gone to college with, who had gone to get his Master's degree. I was excited because it was a guy who was a lawyer who decided to create websites for law firms. It wasn't that complicated of a job, I did well until the owner decided that one of the jobs he wanted to give the client what he thought she needed instead of what she actually wanted. Then she was upset with him. Then he wanted to make more complex websites than what they had designed for (all websites had a basic layout and I'd customize it slightly to whatever the client had in mind. So on top of that, I was also getting clients that wouldn't call me back and that became my fault. So I was fired. I felt like I failed. It then got to the point where I couldn't even get my Masters, Internet 2.0 had hit and things were just getting a lot more complex. I'd basically have to start over and that just felt so overwhelming and depressing. |
Prompt: "To be really great in little things, to be truly noble and heroic in the insipid details of everyday life, is a virtue so rare as to be worthy of canonization." Harriet Beecher Stowe One of the things I love about my mom. She was the Queen of celebrating the small things. I know when I was born, because my mom would always sing happy birthday to me at that time. She'd ask us what we'd want for dinner for our birthday and I always looked forward to it. My mom had the amazing ability to enjoy and celebrate the small things in life and it makes me appreciate those things. I strive to live that way too. Especially with Mathew whose mother didn't really celebrate much at all. I think when you're able to enjoy the small things in life, life seems a little brighter. |
Prompt: "Every moment in your life tells a story." Write about this in your Blog entry today. Oh boy. You aren't kidding. I'm going to make this an easy one (for me) and probably an emotional one (for everyone else). I'm missing my mom a lot lately (always) and it's a story I like to tell because...well, I'll get to it and maybe you'll realize it before I get there. So, when I was 8 years old, my life kinda changed a lot. My dad had to file bankruptcy. We had quite a bit of money before I was born and when I was little. Through some inheritance yes, but my dad was a good business man. He ran some game rooms (remember those! I don't really, too little, but I vaguely remember my dad's) and was good at it. Unfortunately, my dad ended up running into a man who took advantage of him and his money and welp, by like 1993/94 my dad just kinda ran out of money. We lost our house and had to sell a lot of stuff to kinda get some money to find a place and a vehicle. Unfortunately, what my parents sold didn't do really either of those things. We ended up staying with a family friend and his wife that my dad had worked closely with before he'd come into his inheritance do being in the same plumbers and pipefitters union. Anyway, during the 3 months we stayed there, I celebrated my 9th birthday. I know I didn't get a lot of gifts, but I don't remember being saddened by it. To be fair, even though my parents had a lot of money, they never acted like they had a lot of money. My mom always felt like the most down to earth person. Sure, did she get her hair done and wear some nice clothes? Yes, but her clothes never felt outrageous or looked super expensive (even to me now when I look at old pictures, they look like she went to Macy's or JCPenny or something honestly). I know they did have some nice clothes and stuff. Like they got some really nice leather jackets and really nice cowboy boots, but that's really all that stands out to me (my dad could've had some really nice expensive suits, since I know he wore them a lot back then, but they just looked nice to me, I don't remember any brands). Anyway, not to say I didn't get a lot of gifts before then, but well, I don't know how to explain it. I never had the expectation of receiving a lot of gifts. They were never flamboyant with their money and so I don't think I understood what we lost, other than our house and that my mom had to get a job (she was a stay-at-home mom until then) and my dad had to get something else. To also put into reference, my dad had "retired" by this time. In 1985 when I was born, he was 52 (my mom was 34. She liked older men, lol) He had been able to get into doing whatever his friend was doing at the time, which might've been working at the old Birds Eye factory (which has sense closed). I just remember that they used to go to work together and come home together. My mom hadn't found a job yet (sometime after my birthday she would end up getting a job doing food prep for the Golden Corral). My mom told me much much later (after I graduated high school), how she was able to pull off that birthday. Because they didn't have much of anything then. She had taken a dollar (or two) and had played the lotto. She won $68 dollars. She used that money to give me a birthday. To buy me some gifts and a cake. I remember how hard that hit me when she told me, because she could have, should have, used it for whatever they needed to use it for at the time, even if it meant it went into savings. Instead, she used it on me. Now I want to say that I never ever doubted my mom's love for me or her devotion, but it really made me realize how lucky I was to have her as a mom. It's a story I like to tell when I want to describe the type of mom she was in the easiest way. I guess because my mom doubted herself a lot, because after that time, we never really had a lot of money. Did we ever end up destitute or have anything shut off? No, but there wasn't really time for extras or vacations. I think she always felt so bad for that. Or that she couldn't buy us more things for Christmas or our birthdays. I think those things hung on her a lot. She worked very hard, sometimes extra to get extra money. Especially during the fall and into winter time. My birthday was in September, hers was October, my sister's was at the very end of November, then there was Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas thrown in there too. It's one of the things I hate that I can't tell her now. That I don't think of those things. All of the small things she did are what I remember. Okay so maybe I got emotional too. Anyway, a moment in my life that tells a story. |
Prompt: "Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper." Robert Frost Is what Robert Frost says true for you? What makes you lose your temper? Yes, I think it is true. Education doesn't necessarily mean formal, but learning about things in general. I think you could make an argument that losing your temper can be often related to not fully understanding your opponent. For example for me, I used to try and talk to MAGA commenters/friends and I used to get irritated (mind you this was the first time around, so 2016) because they couldn't see why what they were saying made no sense. It didn't take me very long before I realized that they just wanted to think that way. So I stopped. Mind you I never lost my tempter. It takes a lot for me to lose my temper. But I've learned to save my sanity when it comes to being irritated or annoyed. Work is another one. I learned I was caring more than those above me, so I started taking the correct cues to lower my own standards. It has saved me a lot of frustration. |
Prompt: "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them." James A. Baldwin What do you think about this quote? Do our children really imitate us? Oh definitely! I'm not a parent, but I've been around my friends who do enough to know that they know exactly what to imitate. They might not listen to when you tell them to pick up their toys or eat their broccoli, but you accidentally say "shit" or "fuck" and by the goodness, will they suddenly be saying those words. They even want to imitate in good ways too like wanting to vacuum or sweep or mow the yard. Sometimes even older kids will want to wear similar things they see their older sibling wear or even what their mom or dad wears. We all know they often imitate behaviors or reactions to certain things. I've seen a video of this little girl, probably would be starting school the next year or so. Shows her walking with her arms behind her back and some words on the screen roughly saying: "We wondered where she got this from until" And then it shows a grandpa who walks with his arms behind his back. It's really cute! |
On this day in 1969, American actress Sharon Tate and four others were murdered by followers of Charles Manson, leader of a communal religious cult known as the “Family.” What do you recall about this heinous crime ? Thinking about the media coverage of that time compared to today's media coverage of violent crimes, which do you prefer? The crime itself was well before my time, but I've watched quite a few videos that have gone over it, whether it be just the murder or a documentary that talked about Charles Manson and included his time with the Family and the murder. Hearing a lot about what allegedly went on during his childhood, I feel bad for the boy and not all surprised by who he would become. I had always heard of the murders through a conversational type of way. Through shows or people talking about it. Knew of Helter Skelter both because of the murders and because of the Beatles, but I didn't know the importance until much later. It's the first thing I think of when "it was a different time" is ever said. Roman Polanski was someone very well known in Hollywood, as well as his wife Sharon Tate, and anyone could just walk up to their door (so much different than today it feels like). One of those weird things that sticks. The crime itself was horrible, especially since it was all just a set up. They were killed just to get white people angry at black people by making it seem as though black people committed the murders. It felt so...soulless. Ended up being done for absolutely no reason because no "race war" ever happened because of the murders. The media coverage, I'd prefer the media coverage of that time, I think. Even though it was sensationalized because of Sharon Tate and the Hollywood connection (and unfortunately, lesser coverage of the murders that happened the following night), a lot of the information was very open and laid out which is refreshing? Everything feels so neutered now with the media. I don't necessarily need to know intimate details, but they just tell you what happened. There's not a sob story, you don't have a documentary on the murderer by the evening news, there's not the 24/7 nonsense either. Which is probably the worst part of current news coverage. There also isn't "everyone's opinion" being used as news in news articles either. As much as I'm glad that it didn't become a "race war", there was questions of "weird religious rites", aka Satanic Panic, so I can imagine there was probably some of that, especially once Charles Manson was mentioned and his Family cult was brought to light. I could see something similar happening today, maybe not so much directly on the news (maybe some stations), but I could see it running through social media (been seeing some Satanic Panic type stuff off and on with certain things and I don't know how that cyclical nonsense keeps happening). Granted, I was born 16 years after the murders, so a lot of what I've seen is really just snippets. I didn't experience it nor have the real understanding of the time. If I'd learned about it before my parents had passed, it would've been an interesting question to ask my mom. She was 18 (would turn 19 that October), freshly graduated from high school. It would've been interesting to hear her thoughts and what people said, what they thought. What she thought. It will be interesting to see the opinions of those who lived through it, to hear what their opinions are. Especially at least with the news portion. Today's news coverage is so exhausting. They will scrape the bottom of the barrel, talking about things maybe only tangibly connected to the story because well, everything is 24/7 now. We have to hear opinions by 647 different people, find some random schmuck who knew the killer(s) or one of the victims and barrage them with questions for an hour. I just want to know what happened, told to me by journalists, not personalities. |
Number One of 1985   SongMoney for Nothing by Dire Straits  Book Lake Wobegon Days by Garrison Keillor  Money for Nothing is great! I included the music video because it is *french kiss* It is very early computer graphics and it's amazing. The song, like I said is great. It has an amazing opening guitar riff. If there is something that I don't think I ever realized until listening to it within the last few years was that the gay slur fa**ot is in it and it can be off putting a bit. I know they aren't using it so much as the people they're talking about are, but still. It's something that made me realize I listened to and watched the clean edit. I found the official music video on youtube a few years ago and was surprised by that addition. I've attached the clean edit music video. Dire Straits also has some other amazing songs, so if you like this song, I'd suggest checking them out. Romeo and Juliet, Two Young Lovers, Sultans of Swing, Telegraph Road, and Walk of Life are some! Lake Wobegon Days by Garrison Keillor is neither a book I have heard of or an author that I have heard of. The book sounds like stuff I've written for some stories that helps give me background for my stories. It's about a fictional town, but it's written in the style of a non-fictional historical publication. It goes over the history of the town and then describes the lives and activities of the inhabitants of the town. The second half of the book kinda reads like multiple short stories, but there isn't really a plot. I don't know if I'd go out of my way to read it, but I think if it was like a book club and we were to talk about it or use it as a reference for myself, for my own research, I might read it. I read a little bit up on the author to see if I might know of anything else he has written and the answer to that is no. He was more into radio and had a radio show called A Prairie Home Companion which was a variety show, which had musicians and some skits before a live audience (remember those?). The book was based off of some bits from that show and his show seemed to be popular enough that for the second half of September (I was born on the 20th) and into the first week of October, he was the number one NY Times Bestseller. |
I've been writing, a little bit, the last few days. It's been coming in spurts. A few weeks ago I was rewriting one of my oldest stories "Country Lovin'" (Really need to figure out a new title for that one  ). I've come to realize that that Covid, followed by my job losing a lot of employees (a new building was built in an area where a lot of employees were close to and transferred) and not replacing them and being shortstaffed and stressed from that, raised my anxiety tenfold and ADHD. I never really thought I had either, until post Covid. I need to get to a doctor to get them handled. I thought things were getting better at work, only for them to not really and things are just frustrating. Holding things out since one of the problems might be resolving themselves within the next month. Normally, I'd be considering a job change. Which sucks, because I've topped out and I get 2 bonuses a year (decent ones too!), but mentally man, it's been doing numbers. But thanks to the current administration, job security feels pretty non-existent for a lot of jobs I'd even consider. So, here I am for now. I think getting back into reading in a somewhat more consistent basis has been helping too. I've hated that reading also took a hit since Covid. I just couldn't focus. I'd be reading the same word, sentence, paragraph numerous times. Forget what had even happened. So, I'm glad to be reading more consistent. I'm definitely not back to what I used to be, but the fact that I can is making me happy. Hopefully that continues to keep going too. Feels better than just popping in to check email and scour the newsfeed, which is what I usually do (and try to make sure that I do that every day). Writing completes me. I can feel it build up and it's good to get it out. I think before, it just gets lost or stuck and that was never the case before. It was like an outside water spigot, but the valve handle was missing, so the water would just run free with nothing stopping it. I couldn't ever seem to be able to work a story because another one would be right behind it. Now it's the opposite problem. The valve handle doesn't seem to turn very easily and only seems to trickle. So we will see. I don't know if anyone much follows me or this anymore, but it's an update. It feels good to get it out there anyway.  |
  Prompt:October. Halloween. Autumn. Has anything happen strange happen to you this month? Write about this in your Blog entry today.  This year? No. Busy and Chaotic? Yes. In general? Once, when I was a kid in middle school. I've always been pretty mature for my age. I always seemed to enjoy the conversation of adults over kids my own age. Not that I didn't also have friends my age, because I did. Though I didn't have super connections to kids my age, except for two neighbor girls I grew up with that I now consider to be my sisters. Anyway. I didn't have flights of fancy as they say even though I have always had a super creative mind and could easily think of ideas for stories. I was in 4th or 5th grade I think and it was Friday the 13th. I don't believe in that kind of stuff. I'll walk under a ladder and have a hoard of black cats (voids are my weakness), and toss a mirror on the ground. BUT, this Friday the 13th was a rainy and cold day and I was already frustrated because I thought I'd lost my house keys. I was home alone and this wasn't new, at this point after school I was for a couple of hours until my dad got home. I was on the stoop, putting my house keys in the knob when I felt something hit my shoulder and out of the corner of my eye it looked like a giant bug, like a beetle or something with a hard shell. It FREAKED me out. I jumped back off the small stoop and realized that it was the wooden handle of my dad's snow shovel. How it fell? I don't know. I just remember that everything felt so weird about the whole situation and realizing after that it was FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH and did that mean anything?? Made me question my whole life. I was fine and once I was warm and comfy inside my house, I laughed at it. But it's funny how just one thing being off can just make you question your whole reality sometimes! |
Prompt: Feeling Happy “Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” - Marcel Proust What are your thoughts about this prompt and/or what makes you feel happier, people or some other things? There are a few people who make me happy. I'm mostly an introvert and so I tend to have a very small inner circle. I tend to have a "social meter" and I can feel drained and tired if my meter has been drained. But! Mathew is one of them. He constantly makes me laugh and makes me feel good about myself. After twenty and a half years with him, it's one of the constants in my life that makes my life better. I have members of my family that make me happy to be around also. I don't get to see them as much, due to living in a different state, but whenever we get together, I feel a comfort just by being around them. Mostly, animals make me happy. Pets probably more specifically, since I can often touch them lol But, my two boys made me happy, because they'd greet me when I'd get home, snuggle with me, sleep with me. Y'know, pet things. My new kittens, two girls, make me happy too. They've helped me get through my grief of losing my boys, while also making me laugh because of their kitten hijinx. Reading is another one. Which, for probably a lot of people here, is probably a popular thing that makes them happy. Being creative is another. It's something where it's the act of doing it that makes me happy and then if I can give them away, also makes me happy. Like right now, I love to crochet and then be able to give those away to people. I get to practice and do the art of it, then I can gift them to people. I make digital pet portraits and those I do specifically for people. It's also something fun and relaxing for me to do. |
Prompt: "Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone?" Maggie Smith as Violet Crawley in Downton Abbey Write about insults and/or Maggie Smith. Also, if you wish, how would you show a sarcastic tone of a character in a story? Maggie Smith was an awesome actress. I loved her in the Sister Act movies, Downton Abbey. The Secret Garden, and Hook. I never watched the Harry Potter movies, though I know she was great in those. I also loved her on The Graham Norton show. I'd love to watch some of her older work from when she was younger. I loved her personality and her humor. She seemed like such a real person, which when it comes to Hollywood and the like, how hard that is to come by. I think it's why I enjoyed her performances so much. Her sarcasm and how it could sometimes just underline things she did or said, was wonderful. I loved Ian McKellen's impression of her on Graham Norton, which made the story he told that much better. I loved her dry sense of humor and that realness of hers. It's refreshing, especially now where (and maybe (probably) it's just me being an old person) it just feels rare for actors to feel like real human beings who've had real experiences and emotions. Granted, it doesn't help that originality feels dead and those directing anything doesn't have a sense of what real people even are. So everything feels alien and weird. So, here's to Maggie Smith! |
Prompt: Do you ever write stories just using dialogue? Write about this in your Blog entry today. I've thought of doing this, but it feels like it goes against some kind of rule in my head? I don't know why. Sometimes when I'm writing in general if there's "too" much dialogue, I feel like I have to break it up with some description or movement or...something. I think it's definitely something about myself where I feel like things have to be a certain way whether or not there is a rule. Maybe it's because of the types of books I read at the time? Of course now, I see stuff like that and do it as a challenge, see if it's something I like or feel comfortable doing. I find myself one of those people, even though I'm of a creative nature, that I will sometimes keep myself in a box. I love people who step outside of that box. Like the book "A House of Leaves" by Mark Z. Danielewski. I love that someone can just imagine it and write it into existence. People can be amazing and I love that. I love that kind of creativity. I know it's just something simple like writing something that is entirely dialogue, but someone who apparently falls into the traditional mold a lot of the time, it's awesome. It definitely inspires me though to try that out and see what I can come up with. |
Prompt: Sunsets and Sunrise “Why did dusk and fir-scent and the afterglow of autumnal sunsets make people say absurd things?” L.M. Montgomery Describe a sunset or sunrise that took your breath away. What emotions did it stir in you? I was very lucky to have grown up just a few miles off of Lake Ontario when I lived in New York. I got spoiled with both sunrises and sunsets. Sunsets I've seen most and if you would like to see some examples, just Google: "Oswego, NY sunsets" and you'll get to see some. A lot of local photographers love to take photos of them so there are a lot to peruse through. Which makes me happy since I've moved to Indiana 11 (already somehow!) years ago. I went to college at SUNY Oswego, which was 20 minutes from where I lived, and I remember that it was constantly mentioned that Oswego had the best sunsets in the country. I never really thought about it until I was older and especially after I've moved and I've gotten to experience them since experiencing the ones here. They really are so pretty and just...a moment. They're never the same and you can't help but stop doing what you're doing and just watch. Having lived in central Indiana for the last 11 years, I miss being so close to Lake Ontario. There's a type of peace that it brings and it's definitely emphasized when there's a sunrise or sunset. It's a type of peace that is internal. I miss that a lot. Definitely something I took for granted, even though I appreciated having it so close by. |
Prompt: Do you like Reality TV Shows like Survivor? Write about this in your Blog entry today. Goodness, no. None of them ever appealed to me. It's not like I'm above cheesy things, but I need some kind of intelligent structure going on. I still can't believe that the dating ones are still happening. Those ones are the WORST. I guess because they're so predictable and the non-good petty gross behavior (nothing like grown ass women acting like desperate children fighting over a man they don't even like and the winner will divorce in like a month after the wedding or even when it's reversed and it's a woman the men are vying for and it's just like 12 year old boy behavior) isn't even interesting. It just reminds me of girls in high school crying over some idiot boy they were "dating" for a day. Granted, I hated that crap even when I was in high school, but at least being a teenage girl it's justifiable. If there was some kind of humor or like a "straight man" in one of those shows, maybe? I just can't. The others...? Eh. They just aren't interesting to me. Mathew liked Survivor for awhile and I tried to watch it when he did. That show I can understand why it's still on. There's some characters that are interesting and the whole premise can be interesting, but learning about how much of the behavior and drama is forced and how absolutely fake the whole thing is, including sometimes who wins or loses, who stays or goes, just really turned me off. If it's all going to just be written, then I'd rather just watch a movie. Big Brother I never got, though the weird drama I guess I can understand why that thing is still going, but I just never connected with that kind of stuff. It's funny because I usually hate talking about my opinions on reality TV because it makes me feel like I'm really pompous about TV and I'm not.  It's just not my cup of tea. It's not my type of garbage. I have wished they'd do something interesting with it, but it's always the same rehashed topics and themes. I am really surprised though that new shows still pop up and that reality TV is still something that continues to exist. I had always figured it would've died off, just because it really is just kind of the same thing. But here we are, nearly or maybe have (I can't remember if it was pre or post 2000 when they started) met the 25 year mark of reality television. I guess at this point it will be interesting to see how long Big Brother and Survivor go on for and whether or not they'll last longer than the genre does (will there be a resurgence in popularity for those shows?). |
Prompt: "Opportunity is fleeting and judgment is difficult." Let this quote from Deborah Harkness inspire your entry I would like to start by saying that I rather enjoyed A Discovery of Witches and the rest of the trilogy. I had forgotten where this was at first, until I looked it up. To give context, the two main characters have gone back in time (16th century London to be exact). The FMC buys a silver gilded rat trap and it has an inscription engraved into it, the full Hippocrates aphorism: "Life is short, art long, opportunity fleeting, experience treacherous, judgment difficult.", but in latin. She makes a comment about the object being sentimental, considering what it was made for. The MMC replies back: "Sentimental? From the viewpoint of the rat, it sounds quite realistic: opportunity is fleeting, experiment dangerous, and judgement difficult." It is definitely a nice play with words! It does really highlight the meaning of the original quote in a short and quick manner. We are often given a lot of opportunities, some good, some bad, some in-between. Sometimes we take them and sometimes we don't. For me, those opportunities which we don't have much time to make a choice often make me nervous. I'm not a very spontaneous person by nature, so it is very hard for me to quickly pull the trigger on things like that, especially if it isn't obvious at first what type of opportunity it is. Or, especially if it an opportunity that can affect my life in a major way. This summer my fiance and I bought our first house! The housing market has been insane, if you've even had to sniff it in the last 4 years. It's calming down slightly in our area, but we were still really nervous. Buying a house is a big thing! We were nervous, as we're first time home buyers, of being out bid. $50,000 saved seems like a lot of money, but when $30,000 of it is the downpayment, we had to have 2 rooms painted (and decided to paint a couple others), plus buy a lot of new furniture, the remaining $20,000 didn't last very long. So, yes, we were nervous. Plus, how do you know if the house is the one? And if you do love the house, what happens if there are other bids and you aren't chosen? Fortunately, everything went incredibly smooth (we ended up putting in a bid on day 2 of the house being on the market (we ended up seeing it on the first day it was on the market). We just felt like we were home when we walked around the house. It had the comfort of new windows, new HVAC, new hot water heater, new carpet, all of the bathrooms and the kitchen had been updated. It was a wonderful feeling! Definitely a fleeting opportunity that was worth the "treacherous experience". |
Prompt: "Fine Mess" Oliver Hardy often said to Stan Laurel in several Laurel and Hardy films, "This is another fine mess you've gotten us into." What is your definition of a fine mess and what kind of images does the word mess bring into your mind? Fine mess always felt like "helluva mess" to me. A nice hint of sarcasm. Especially in movies where it always felt like this "fine mess" was what the adventure of the movie was based on. Now it begins. I feel like it works in real life too. Fine always kind of implied "now this is a real specimen of a mess", "a good example of a mess" instead of a regular mess that you had to deal one. One that meant there wouldn't really be an easy solution or quick clean up of said mess. I've seen people be called a fine mess too, implying that it's going to be a lot of work to clean them up (hair and clothes, make-up if necessary). Something I often call myself (aside from a swamp witch). Along with being a hot mess (probably my favorite tbh).  In general, I always felt like it was a lighthearted way of describing something..or someone, can be some work without being mean or rude about it and make the person or persons not feel as bad. Or, like me, using it for themselves. I like that using a fine mess (or hot mess) has a nice flexible connotation as well, meaning maybe a metaphorical connotation instead of a literal one. One of my favorite things about the English language (and the pity I have for those trying to learn our language) is how flexible it can be. |
Prompt: Dreams What do you think about dreams in general? And if you wish to elaborate, what recurring themes or symbols appear in your dreams? Are there any patterns you can identify? I've always kind of wished I had dreams like what a lot of people say they have. I've never had any stereotypical dreams and mostly, with the exception of some that I can count on one hand, don't really have any "meaning". At least to me they don't. Most of the time it just feels like I'm part of some movie. Sometimes I'm not me as the "main character". Sometimes I am. The few that have some kind of "meaning" are where I'm trying to go to a class, sometimes it's high school, sometimes it's college. I can't find my class. I think I know where I'm going and suddenly I'm lost as if I've never been in the building before. I did have a dream along that same vein (a couple of times if I remember right) where it was like a house I was staying at? I'm pretty sure there was some other narrative, but I don't remember now. I also had one as a child where my mom, my older sister, and myself were leaving. Walked into the garage to get into the car, my mom and older sister got there first and then took off before I could get a chance to get in. I remember standing in the open garage as I watched my mom's car head down the drive way. I've had dreams with my mom and my dad, sometimes together, most often apart and those I've always just liked to believe that they've come to say hi to me (as they've both passed and have been gone now for 11 years). It's funny as those often feel the most realistic to me. I remember the first dream I had of my mom, in which when I asked her if she had come back, she said no. That she was only here for a short time and wanted to see me. It was like "a day together", because when I went to sleep in the dream and woke up, she was gone. I do dream vividly, with color and voices. Most of the time I remember them, but sometimes they've gone by the wayside once I've woken up. I remember one of my earliest dreams from when I had to have been 5-7 years old. I left my house and had gone wondering in the yard (we had a pretty decent yard/property when I was a kid. Total of 12 acres, but some of it was woods. I had gone towards the woods, seeing a giant iguana. Me, being ever the animal lover, headed towards it. Unfortunately, it was a cursed, evil iguana, because it shot its tongue out at me and the only way I can describe this next part is that myself, including my vision, had the texture of a golf ball, where it's those rounded indents. It was shortly after this happened and I realized my new vision/texture, that I woke up. I remember it feeling so lifelike to me as a kid and later that day going out to where it had happened in my dream and feeling such a connection to that dream still. It was funny that it was an iguana as we never had one as a pet and I lived in Central NY at the time. Definitely not a place where they would be wild. I must have seen one in a movie or a TV show and it got snagged into a dream. I did have a reoccurring dream where a faceless (never saw the face that I can remember) man would chase me, a la Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees, and I would run and find a place to hide, in a very not good hiding place where in real life I would have been found, but he'd walk past me. I haven't had these dream since I became an adult living on my own and when I'd have it, it would be in a place I had lived previously, so never at the current place I lived. I always kind of wondered what the meaning of that was, but they happened far enough apart that I never ended up dwelling on it until much later into my adult life. I've always found the thought of meaning behind dreams to be interesting, but since most of my dreams always just felt like my brain entertaining me during my sleep, I never looked into it for myself. |
| So, I think it's coming back a little bit. I've actually been playing RE4 on my PS4. Now that might seem like nothing on its own, but I've been struggling to stay interested in things, including other games. So I'm hopeful. I've also been going through stuff with my 13 Curves story, so I'm hoping that at least it's small baby steps in the right direction. That's all I really was hoping for. I'm hoping to get back into something more comfortable, writing wise, and push myself into a NaNoWriMo like situation that I was planning on doing last year until Covid hit. Last March actually. I was hoping maybe March this year, but we will see. Which month doesn't matter to me (as long as it isn't near the holidays), but if I can give myself a month to push myself in the same way people do during November, then I'll be happy. I hate that regular NaNo doesn't work for me. Working retail does that to you I suppose. There's just a mental fatigue and a creative shutdown that happens towards the end of the month as it picks up at work and becomes more stressful and also irritating because people tend to forget holidays happen at the same time of the year on a continuous yearly basis. Anyway, I don't know why I feel like I have to update here with my writing mentality, but it still feels like home and I feel like it's my duty to. I used to feel so comfortable writing here. To the point where I couldn't seem to write anywhere else. The only reason I write off-site and off-line, is mostly because of NaNo and trying to find a way to keep track of my word count. I found Scrivener and that has helped tremendously. It has also helped me keep all of my notes and stuff organized. I'm trying to find a balance between the two, because I miss this being my writing haven. I don't want to think about any of that yet. I'll get myself caught up and stressed out and it isn't that deep. So, that's where I am now. A short and sweet update, but a good one. Keep your fingers crossed for me. |
| I still haven't really had a chance to be all that creative, but I'm working on it. It's been a struggle, but like I said I'm working on it. Trying to work on my stressers and things that trigger my anxiety and try to focus on myself. Which usually means forcing myself to make sure I do the things I want to do, rather than sitting around because my head is full of a fog because I've just let things get to me. It's definitely been a tough year. I'm trying to make it so this next one isn't as tough. I want to get back into doing things that I want to do, letting myself focus on those things. I haven't really read anything. It's like I just can't focus on anything when I read and lose interest. It's been the same with a lot of things I've normally enjoyed, like video games and any real creative endeavors. I'm starting to re-read my book of Lovecraft, to try and get some inspiration for my "13 Curves"  story. Something I was working on prior to my creativity shutting off. I'm hoping it will give me some inspiration for the "monster" and "evil/scary/horror" part of my WIP that I was stuck on before. I originally, when starting the story, wanted it to be an allegory, not necessarily an actual thing, but then I realized I can have both. So, I'm working on it. Matt and I were talking about Lovecraftian things and it was giving me some ideas or at least some vague ones that reading some of his stories might lead to some more in depth ideas.So we will see. For the rest of you, I'm hoping your creativity is flowing. Me, like "13 Curves" , is definitely a work in progress. |
| It's a thing I believe we can all come together and agree on: 2020 has sucked major ass. I thought this year would be better for me creatively. It had started out that way and then things happened. Matt got sick the day after our anniversary. He was immensely sick for three weeks. We assumed—at the time—that it was the flu. He hadn't gotten his flu shot and I had. I had gotten sick half way through his illness, but mine was incredibly mild. I could still go to work, I just had congestion, a cough, and felt like shit warmed over. Then came my cat's vet appointments, which almost didn't happen thanks to my one cat flipping his absolute shit about getting into his carrier. I will totally blame that on me. I normally kept them in storage (our apartment is tiny and we have very little room to keep things) and I would usually bring them inside a couple of days before the appointment so they're warm and smell like the house (their appointments are usually always in January/February). This time I had forgotten them and brought them in the morning of. Chance basically went feral. I'd never seen him act like this before. He wouldn't let me get near him, he was snarling, hissing, striking out, pooping and peeing. I felt awful because he was freaking out. I finally tossed one of my large towels on him and was able to grab him. I made the appointment, even though a bit late. I had called ahead and explained. Then Covid hit the following month. I work at Costco and I'm sure many of you heard/saw/witnessed how insane Costco was during the early stages of the Covid panic. We were no exception. So, all of that has just straight up killed my creativity. All of it. For writing, coloring even!, drawing, Photoshop, everything. I finally got something in the mid to late summer, which was why I was doing the journal entries. It was a little bit, but not enough to work on anything. Then September hit and I was feeling it a bit. Then it was gone again. I've gotten really frustrated because I WANT TO WRITE. I have ideas! But I sit there and nothing comes out. Everything I write feels stupid. I even tried in October to do the Upgraded members contest the official one by WdC. I had an IDEA and I merged it with a short story idea I've had for YEARS. I even had the twist! I got a few paragraphs in and I just couldn't. do. it. I didn't end up even doing the contest. I knew I wasn't going to do NaNo this year, but I miss doing it. I want to do it just because of the frustration I've felt this year for not being able to write. Hell, I've tried to write variations of this journal entry and it's been hard to form...my ideas and what I want to say into words on a screen. Anyone else feel this way? I wish I had been lucky to have had to work from home, maybe I could've gotten a lot of writing in. It hasn't helped either that I've been seeing the statistics and especially this month and last month seeing everything SHOOT up and Indiana has been no exception. Our governor has been awful in dealing with this pandemic. He basically opened everything back up and everyone (or nearly) has assumed life is back to normal. We've just hit over 8k cases in ONE DAY. We've had quite a few cases at work even, one working in the same department I did. I went and got tested (even though I showed no symptoms) and it was negative. I've been wondering, the more I've learned about Covid, that Matt probably had Covid back in the very end of January, early February. He had a lot of the same symptoms, including no sense of smell or taste. It had kicked his ass even AFTER he was "better". I've also been stressed at the thought that it's only a matter of when, not if, of contracting Covid and all of this is always on my mind, even when I try not to let it. Never mind that this is the time when everything happened with my dad and then my mom. October through January 5. So all of that is on my mind too, even if I'm not actively thinking about it. Sigh. I'm going to try and fiddle around with my 13 Curves WIP and see if I can at least fiddle around with some backstory, since I didn't really finish much of that before. I have some ideas there and I want to work on them a bit. Maybe I'll get some satisfaction there. I hope everyone else is doing okay. |
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you failed at that job, at all. You gave it your all and your time. Sometimes, we beat ourselves on others' mistakes. I think the mistake was with the management and not you. 
