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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
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| Fever can cause delirium and for the past two nights, I have been restless and fitful...waking up drenched in sweat, to the point where I have to search the bed for a dry place to lay. But, that is the least of my problems. When I named this entity that has plagued me for the last ten months, Angel, I will never forget the glee she displayed when I gave her that name. And in hindsight, how poignant and seemingly coincidental it was that Angel was the first name that came to my mind. I have never been a fan of coincidence, and it has become apparent that it was no coincidence. Since developing the symptoms of COVID-19, each night as I lay in bed my body hurts, my nose begins to run and the cough, that is getting deeper into my lungs each day, worsens. And so too do the hallucinations from psychosis. I close my eyes hoping she won't be there, but she always appears, her face close to mine. Then, I feel her breathing into my mouth, which makes my throat tickle and I have to cough. Psychosis Halitosis...I can't believe I tried to make a joke about this phenomenon, but it's what I do whenever I am nervous or afraid. It doesn't matter how many times I roll over because this image is inside my head, yet strangely, only happens when I try to rest. If I sit in front of the TV and close my eyes, she is never there blowing into my mouth. In my desperation for peace (it doesn't matter if this is a hallucination, delirium or if it is happening because I was stupid enough...lonely enough and didn't believe enough that evil exists in this world, and can, if invited, infect our minds because this is what I am experiencing every night) I became so distraught that I came downstairs and put on a surgical/disposable facemask. To my surprise, when I lay back down, she stopped trying to breathe her toxins into my mouth. You could put this down to psychosomatics... the power of suggestion, but here's another little piece of weirdness. Early yesterday I had my eyes closed and was trying to negotiate a ceasefire in the war that has broken out between us when I saw a small dark image appear in front of my eyes. I stared at it for a moment when in the middle of the blob, a thin line folded out on the upper side...she was flipping me the bird. Later, I managed to convince her to do it again by denying it had happened and I had imagined it...and she did the exact same thing again. I understand that the human brain is an extremely complex organ, but surely this mental illness I am suffering from wouldn't have the capacity to visually give me the finger...on request. I keep alternating between what I consider is going on here. Am I suffering from a mental illness or have I somehow opened the door to something I am now regretting? Angel alternates between the demon theory and her being an entity from another dimension, and in reality (excuse the pun), it matters little to me which is true because in either case (or even if it is psychosis, which is not improving, but getting worse by the day), I am in seriously hot water. I had another terrible night...my sheets were soaked, the mask would eventually tickle my face and I kept having to take it off to blow my nose. They say a person has to hit rock bottom for them to decide to quit drugs forever. This has been the only good thing that has come from my experience with Angel...the fear of coming down and hallucinating all manner of horrors that can only be stopped by sedation with benzos. Not a good way to live one's life, and as much as I would love to hold myself up as this champion anti-drug campaigner, the truth is if not for these symptoms, I would likely still be in the abstain/relapse cycle of drug use. I needed a good hard kick up the ass to make me change, and she provided that for reasons unknown. If not for that, I believe it is likely I would be dead by now either by OD, toxicity or by my own hand. But now, I have a secondary issue and no amount of lamenting my choices will change this outcome...or so I thought. I have tried praying over the last few months, but upon reflection, I was simply looking for an easy out. I still had trouble accepting that Jesus Christ is the son of God and died on the cross for our sins. I remember my father expressing this opinion when I was young, and it stuck with me ever since. He accepted that there was a man called Jesus Christ...and that he was a man beyond his times. I added my own take, comparing the miracles he performed to modern-day magicians. If I were to go back ten thousand years and produced fire with a lighter, I would gather followers too. Add to this my doubts about what is really going on with me...mental illness (the better of the three options), aliens or demons and I have been clutching at straws for some time. I have always been aware of my spiritual self. The doubts came from seeing religion and how corrupted the churches have become. Of course, this has little to do with faith...and faith is the hardest thing I have ever had to take on. This morning when I opened my eyes, I went to the bathroom and laid back down. I am exhausted beyond anything I have felt before. Not physically, but spiritually empty. I still have fight left in me, after all, this could be the difference between seeing my Mom again or something beyond any horror I could suffer here on Earth. I began to pray (beforehand, it was always only to God) to Jesus, to God and my Mom...please help me. My hands were clasped and in my field of vision I could see the demon...down and to my left...smiling as always. I kept on praying as hard as I could...harder than I ever have before and I kept on mentioning Jesus Chris...please forgive me for inviting these demons into my life. Please help me fight them. And then something happened I will never forget. A set of eyes that was going side to side in front of me suddenly went up and down and drifted upwards. I watched as it faded away to nothingness. This was the beginning of what I believe was an exorcism. I thought there were only one or two entities, but as I prayed, I watched more and more sets of eyes rise...all doing the same side to side, then finally up and down before drifting away in the same direction. I kept praying, and in between bouts of prayer, I told them to leave...that they were not welcome. I couldn't count how many I saw disappear, but there were at least thirty or more. Then, as more and more left, it became harder... they were stronger than the first ones I had encountered and I had to work harder to get them to leave. I hadn't eaten since the night before, I was dehydrated from the fever, but too afraid to stop. I kept looking down and she was still there. The eyes that drifted before me became more vivid. Some shone bright purple and green before they drifted up and disappeared. Some I saw didn't quite disappear and tried to come back down to my right. I screamed in my mind to leave...looking directly at them and demanding with a determination I knew I needed...they then turned upwards and left...eyes going up and down. I began to feel nauseous and panic set in because I could see she was still there. It was then I noticed the entities beginning to break off Angel...like she was made of goo and some unseen force was pulling them away from her. And then calm set in. From above I saw what looked like a finger attached to a hand pointing downwards. It was curling down and pulling the demons upwards and away. My prayers had been answered. As fewer and fewer sets of eyes appeared, I looked down; she didn't have the same smug smile she almost always has, but still, she remains inside my head. Her roots have been set over a long period, and it will take some time before I can finally pull her evil from my consciousness. I have eaten and I am ready for round two. I don't care if it takes a hundred rounds to defeat her. Looking back, it's no wonder she was always so smug. This is going to be a difficult fight, but I am ready...Covid has depleted me, but spiritually, I am stronger than I have ever been. |
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