%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
  |
| One of, if not the most difficult thing for me to deal with living in Thailand, is not being able to speak the local language. It's hard enough exchanging ideas when it is just Nada and I, but in situations like today, when her nephew has come to visit, makes me feel more isolated than ever. Being unable to join in the conversation, and yet not wanting to appear ignorant, is a challenge I am glad doesn't happen every day. I'm not crying in my beer, but not having people I can relate to and talk freely with, has over time, become an issue. Thankfully, I spent an hour last night speaking to my best friend, who lives in the US, on Skype. Our brief conversations help a lot to relieve these feelings that I am a long way from home. I never was much of a social butterfly, and my reclusive ways, although natural to me, are not helping with the settling-in process of living in a new country. Meeting other ex-pats isn't easy. For some reason, most people I come across are standoffish at best...and at worst, are simply ignorant. My guess is they didn't move to Thailand to hang out with other Farangs. I admit that I am just as guilty as those I point the finger at because when Nada and I go into town after dark to a restaurant, the number of foreigners I see walking along the streets makes me long for the low season to come around again. But, no matter what the situation, there will be positives and negatives, and so far in my journey, the good far outweighs the bad. In a way, I'm glad I burned my bridges back in Australia. Subconsciously, I must have known there would be days like today when I miss seeing faces that look like mine and hearing people I can understand and converse with. Fortunately, there is nothing worthwhile for me to go back to, and unless I am forced by ill health, or by the Thai authorities rejecting my stay (as unlikely as the latter is), Australia offers little incentive for me to return. It's only been ten months since I arrived in the land of smiles. I'm beginning to learn some Thai, although the fact remains that I will never be able to understand the language. Lucky for me, Nada helps me a lot, and without her support, things would be less enjoyable than what they are. She does translate when I want to speak to the locals we meet and yesterday while we were out on our walk, we came across the same lady we met two weeks ago. She's a beautiful soul who is my age and owns four cows that she tends to daily. She and her son live in a tiny shack that just a few weeks before, I remarked to Nada about how people could live in such conditions. Yet despite living in such poverty, this lady is always smiling. I asked Nada to translate for me, and I offered some money. At first, the lady looked surprised, and then her pride kicked in and she waved her hands to say no. I bowed and asked her to please accept my gift...and so, she did. It wasn't much money to me, and the truth is, it wasn't about the money at all. The amazing feeling I got as we walked away was unforgettable. Knowing that was only a small part of my mission...that my being here isn't just about what Thailand can do for me, but what I can do to help the Thai people, helped make my night. |
| I've sourced most of the things I will need in case of a disaster. Nada and I can survive a few months with what we have, but I wonder what preparations a person of faith would make. To leave their fate in the hands of God seems 'logical', but the will to survive is strong, and just because they may be willing to face Armageddon (or leave it up to God and hope for rapture) doesn't mean they want themselves or their children, to die before they are due. I have always sat on the fence about belief in a higher power, and it is a position that brings me little solace. What if those who believe in the second coming are right and it happens soon? Will I be condemned for having doubts? And now that the end may be nigh, playing the 'wait and see' game isn't as easy as I anticipated. I'm sure the scientific community (and those who follow their doctrine, who are just as sure in their opinions as the religious folk), look at us non-conformists and chuckle among themselves for being so naive even to consider the possibility of the existence of God. I used to debate with my mother about the likelihood of there being a creator. To me, it was more fun banter than anything else. But if my arguments became too littered with logic, not long afterwards, I would invariably kick my little toe on something hard. This always brought a wry smile to her face and a quick apology from me...both her and her protector. I have always been clumsy, but it sure gave me food for thought. Lately, due to the negative stuff I have been seeing on YouTube, and the signs that may or may not indicate the end of times, my thinking has gone like this. It makes no sense to side with the pragmatic and logical thinkers, after all, their promise of nothingness (even though that was the 'reality' before I was born) after I die, won't see me high-fiving those around me on my deathbed. Yet, I cannot help but feel somewhat of a sellout/fraud to suddenly shift my fence-sitting ways and fall over to the side that offers the highest chance at something other than nothing. One could (if they weren't as scared as I am to say it out loud) say that this late repenting thing may not be good enough, especially to those who have dedicated their lives to their beliefs and perhaps lived a life of lesser sin than me. Of course, (if questioned) they (the believers) would deflect such matters, saying that it isn't up to them, but to God. I cannot help but think there may be a few noses out of joint if, after arriving in heaven, it is filled with not just the staunch believers, but a bunch of recently reformed agnostics...people who at the last minute, and upon seeing the signs, decided to change their views on the off chance that the scientists and atheists may be wrong after all. Two years ago, I wrote a short story "Heavens Above"  that I am now looking at and thinking, will my clever (or not so clever) little story, in which I have a 'mild' dig at Christians and their faith, be my downfall? Should I delete it and pray for forgiveness? Distancing myself from such a blasphemous attempt at satire? I think not...mainly because it was written for entertainment purposes only, and was not meant to offend any one particular group or their higher being. And with that, I may have just ruined any chance I had at eternal life in paradise. |
| Two days ago while we were on our walk, Nada and I called into our local 7-Eleven to get milk. I waited outside, and when Nada came out of the store, she urged me to weigh myself on the scales by the entrance doors. Out of fear, I hesitated momentarily, before giving in to curiosity. It turned out to be one Baht I wished I had never spent. Ignorance truly is bliss. When I arrived in Hua Hin in April 2024, the bathroom scales in my rented townhouse told me I was 92kg (202 lbs). Considering my fight weight in the mid-90s was 67kg, that number seemed excessive. So, I joined my local gym and set about reversing the trend of upward weight gain. I knew that giving up meth was going to present more than just mental health issues, and as my body began to return to normality, there was a chance I would gain weight. I didn't fit into the stereotype meth junkie look, after all, I didn't want friends and family questioning any weight loss that might come from not eating for days on end. When I was high, I would force myself to eat just to avoid those situations. But, as hard as I tried over the following months, the scales showed an ever-increasing weight gain. To try and reverse the gains, I increased my cardio, and after six months of sweating it out on the machines at the gym, my weight levelled out at around 98kg. Then, I met Nada and stopped training for four months...and during that time, I succumbed to her cooking abilities. There is no one but myself to blame for what the scales were telling me (even though Nada was the one who 'forced' me to eat her wonderful food). I had to face reality, and as I stared at the scales, the voice inside my head told me the shocking truth. "Hi, my name is Neil, and I weigh 102kg." For a few moments, I wallowed in self-pity and experienced a 'woe is me' moment. Nada did her best to cheer me up by telling me it doesn't matter about my weight because she loves fat guys, which despite the blunt instrument of that statement, brought a smile to my face. You see, I was overweight when Nada met me, and I do not doubt that she is telling the truth. She loves me for who I am and what I bring to the relationship (laughter, honesty, leadership, financial security and great sex...LOL) and I am not going to allow a few kilos of fat to ruin this relationship. I'm working hard to reduce some of the excess weight I am carrying. But, no matter what the scales say, I am happy, healthy and living the life I dreamed of before embarking on this new adventure in Thailand. |
| My thoughts go out to all those affected by the fires in California. It got down to a chilly 20C (68F) last night and will peak at 27C (81F) today. There are a lot of particles in the air from farmers burning off their fields Yesterday, I bought face masks that are rated P2.5. I can feel the effects of breathing smoke-filled air in my lungs, and it is one thing I didn't count on when I decided to move to Thailand. I knew there was smoke up north, but I had no idea smoke was a problem throughout Thailand and SE Asia (or how long it would last). It's been hazy for weeks now. I keep the windows and doors closed most of the time, and whenever I go outside, I wear a mask. Nada and I are getting along famously. I haven't forgotten the plans I made in the years I spent alone. It's the little things that count in a relationship, and not a day goes by that I don't tell Nada how lucky I am to have met her, how much I love her and how beautiful she is. When she is cooking (we have an outdoor kitchen), I love to watch her prepare our meals. We talk and laugh and I taste-test the food before we come inside to eat. Afterwards, I regularly do the dishes. I also enjoy helping with the housework...not just because it is the right thing to do, but because it often gets me more than just a thank you. It appears the symptoms of psychosis are waning. I don't want to get my hopes up, but the hallucinations are lessening. It's been over ten months since I last used meth, and this, plus the exercise and having Nada in my life, maybe the 'cure' I have wished for. I'm not getting too far ahead of myself. I will always be susceptible, especially when tired or stressed, but for now, things are going great. It's good to have someone in my life who is real and says more than yes, no or maybe. I plan to keep Nada around for the long term because the benefits far outweigh the occasional annoyances that are the norm with any relationship. |
| Nada and I have been walking every day for three months. Before we met, I trained three times a week at my local gym, but since then, I allowed my gym membership to lapse. Spending time with Nada became my priority, but I've now decided to return to resistance training. There is a well-equipped gym a short walk from where we live but before I join, I want to get myself in better shape. We have a store room outside our house where I keep my prepper supplies, tools etc. It has fly screens to keep the mosquitoes at bay. It's amazing how good a workout can be achieved with minimal equipment. I have a mat (on which I lay a towel for groundwork) where I do crunches, planks and push-ups. The bottles of water I store in case of an emergency are 1.5 litres each and come in packs of six. I estimate each pack to weigh around 9kg. I do several different lifts, including alternate single-arm curls and shoulder exercises. I have a chair that I use for tricep dips. The heaviest exercises I do are single-arm rows for my upper back. I place a knee on the chair and use a 9kg (that weighs a total of 20kg) gas bottle for weight. I do three sets of twenty reps for each exercise. I've only been doing the routine for a couple of weeks, but already, the results are beginning to show. I feel more vitalised and confident and will continue to train every second day for another month before looking into joining the gym. Nada is about to get her period and it's putting a strain on our relationship. I'm trying to be sympathetic, but because of my previous bad experiences with other partners and their menstrual cycles, it's becoming a problem for me. It isn't like she becomes aggressive like my former partner. When premenstrual, Nada becomes emotional and clingy. Her voice is 'whiny' and I'm just too old to cater to it all. I know it's only for a few days a month, and perhaps I'm not being patient, but this morning, instead of stewing on the issue, I sat her down and tried to explain that she needs to 'deal' with it a little better than she is. If we both spoke the same language, explaining how I feel would be much easier. But, the fact that we only understand about half of what is being said (unless speaking about basic things) makes it impossible to perfectly explain ourselves. I told her I have pain in my knee every day, and it wouldn't be fair if I took it out on her. It wasn't the perfect analogy, but it was the best I could come up with under the circumstances. Of late, there has been talk (mainly from Nada) of marriage and purchasing a house. But considering what has transpired over the last few days (and her last few periods), has made me realise we are a long way off any of that. No matter how much I believe in Nada and her integrity, I need to be careful when committing my money, especially considering Thai law that prevents me from owning land. Rent may be cheap in Thailand, but divorce is expensive (both financially and emotionally) no matter where in the world we live. |
| 2025 isn't shaping up to be a good year. I'm not going to blame anyone specifically for making me think that way. There is too much happening for that. But for the first time in my life, I've begun to prepare for the worst. There isn't much that any of us poor people (95% of the eight billion people who inhabit this planet) can do to change the direction/path we are all on. I know it sounds nihilistic/pessimistic, but in my opinion, things have become dire, and I cannot help but think we are on the brink of something catastrophic. There is always hope. But hope alone will not save the human race. There will, if things tip over the edge, be survivors...and perhaps that is the plan. A reset for a species that couldn't (or wouldn't) see where it was headed. There was a song back in the 90s called, Deep Forest (by Deep Forest). The intro is a man's voice, that says, "Deep in the forest are living some little men and women. They are our past, and maybe...maybe they are our future." Prophetic words given the situation we all now face. I wonder (if things go bad) if the bottles of water, the extra gas bottles and a room full of dried and canned foods will be enough to sustain Nada and me. Probably not. I, unlike those who will decide if nuclear annihilation is better than losing a war, or the billionaires who have private bunkers in the hope that they and their families will live on, won't stand a chance. But still, having some hope is better than having none. And planning for a few months of extra days might be worth the effort. I truly hope I am wrong about the future of humanity. That those in power can avert a war, that will be the last fought with weapons of mass destruction...not to mention climate change. Anyway...enough gloom and doom for one post. I'm happy, and even if today turns out to be my last day, I am glad I lived the life I did. Regrets there are plenty, but I don't plan on adding any more to the tally until I am done. |
| I am fascinated by the UAP phenomenon. Because of this, the YouTube algorithm has been pointing me into some dark corners of late. Drones and orbs, some of which appear to be spraying something into the air, are dominating my feed. There have been calls by some channels that these are the 'end of days', as prophesized in the bible. I must admit that there are some worrying signs, especially in the US and the UK, and if this is an attack on humanity, it would make sense to go after the big dogs first. There are reports of heavy fog in many places that may be responsible for negative symptoms being experienced by some. And given there is video evidence of UAPs appearing to be jettisoning substances of some kind, it shouldn't come as a surprise that some people, myself included, are becoming concerned. I don't know who is responsible for flying these UAP/drones that have been seen all around the globe. It is, however, relatively easy to tell the drones from these otherworldly, physics-defying craft/entities, that have become more prevalent in the last month than ever before. Perhaps the number of people who carry phones with them everywhere they go plays a part in the recent spate of videos showing up online. AI is also playing a role in producing images that make it difficult to distinguish fake from real videos. I've been giving this a lot of thought, and have concluded that if this is the end-of-days, and armageddon is upon us, there isn't much I can do to avert it. I've tried my hardest to believe in a higher power, but I struggle to commit. I am doing my best every day to do good and help those less fortunate than myself. But, other than that, I have decided to live every day to its fullest...and that in itself is making life so much more enjoyable. Yesterday afternoon, Nada and I were on our walk when we met a Thai lady who was rounding up cows that had broken loose from their tethers. She was about my age, and was wearing the quintessential Thai uniform...long black tights, a green long-sleeve shirt, rubber boots, a white broad-brimmed hat and a scarf to keep the sun off her neck. As we passed, Nada and I both said hello (in Thai). We spent the next thirty minutes talking with this absolutely beautiful lady. She owns four cows and tends to them on her own. She has no husband to help her with the chores, and as we stood, I was holding Nada's hand. That's when I noticed that the lady was holding Nada's other hand. The feeling this gave me is hard to describe, but I felt at peace with the world and no matter what comes, I know I am ready to face it. Today, we went shopping. I bought an electric razor and a set of hair clippers so Nada can cut my hair. And later, when we got back from our walk, we went to the markets. An old couple has a stall that Nada always goes to. She was buying a few things from them, and as Nada and the old lady spoke, my girlfriend turned to me with a huge smile. Nada then told me that the lady thinks I am handsome. Of course, I've been smiling ever since. Despite these recent worrying events, the past two days have been almost magical. I haven't shared much about my concerns with Nada as there is no point. Each day that passes, we fall deeper in love, and if this is the end, I'm glad that I will be spending time with Nada. If I am overreacting, then nothing much changes that fact. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
