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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I think my stress level has hit a new high. I love that I am moving onto the next step, but doing this is hard. I couldn't move to the community without a job first. Now that I have a job, I need housing quick. However, I am still under contract with my apartment until the end of September. I am now frantically trying to find a place to live, doing entry paperwork for my new job, registering for workshops that are weeks before I was told my start date would be, and wondering how I am going to move once I find a place and be able to afford rent on both places on top of a down payment. I had to turn down the second job offer, which I have never done before, turn down another job interview, which I have never done before, and tell my boss that I am going to resign my position for a new job. I am emotionally spent by hurting others because I am abandoning them. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay in my bed and cry. I know I need to do this. When I am all set up and the school year has started, and when I am settled in a new place, I know I will be okay. That day, however, is not today. Today I am not okay. I do not like this step of conversion at all. I love you Hashem. I trust you Hashem. |
| I think one of my favorite holidays so far is Shavuot. I love everything about it: the reading of the Ten Commandments, the gatherings, the dairy food, the two days of prayers, the Priestly Blessing, no work, no electronics, and still the ability to take hot showers. It was comfortable, and it was spiritual (which was very uplifting). I spent Tuesday night until Sunday afternoon in the community with friends. It was just what I needed for the world to feel right for a while. Over the holiday, I did have a panic attack for the first time in a while though. I was staying with friends and they were invited to lunch for the holiday, so I went with them. I had never met the family that we had lunch with. There were five tables set up and people there that I had never met. At first, I admit, I panicked. But the family was amazing, the food was amazing, and all the guests were wonderful. I received a blessing for the first time ever in my life. It was an experience that I will never forget. I have been working on moving to the community for my conversion. The day after Shavuot, I had two interviews. Within two hours of completing both interviews, I had two job offers. Today, I accepted one. They made me an offer I could not refuse ($8000 more didn't hurt either). Now, I just need a place to live. And to tell my boss that I accepted another job. I'm excited about the first thing. Not the second. |
| I have a couple of things with this conversion that I am really struggling with today. I am still working on moving to the community. I have to have a job to be able to apply for an apartment. I have had two phone interviews. One today. Friday, I have a follow up in person interview from my first phone interview. I should have another in person interview scheduled by next week Tuesday. Many of my coworkers and students (current as well as previous) asked me if I was leaving. I was honest. I had students tell me that I am abandoning them. I had parents upset because I wouldn't be teaching their children next year. Parents, coworkers, and students said they were going to pray that I didn't get hired. Leaving my current job really is hard. I love them even more than they seem to like me. However, I need to go. I received my lease renewal last Friday. I haven't even opened it yet. Shavuot is this week. I will be going down and staying in the community with wonderful people. Leaving there to come back here will be hard. It is always hard. I can't keep living two lives, and I've chosen because I know where I need to be. I have to admit that some parts of this conversion are really hard. Leaving my job for another one is hard. Having one foot in the community and one foot out is hard. Then there is all the antisemitism that is ramping up. I go the same gas station every Saturday on my way home. The guy that was there was always so nice, the gas was the cheapest around, and for a bonus, they have my sweet tea in cans. That guy hasn't been there the past few times I have been there. His brother has who looks at me with such hatred that I try not to visibly shake. Then there is my Muslim friend from Morocco that posted on one of the videos that show the hostages being reunited with their families. He said, "So you admire Israel Genocide in phalastine ??" Then I have other friends that tell me conversion shouldn't be this hard. Then an argument ensues. Do I enjoy more tension with friends? Do I enjoy hearing comments and wondering if I am safe because of the jewelry that I am wearing or because of my beliefs? This isn't fun. This is hard. This scary sometimes. Asking me to stop my conversion is like asking me to stop breathing. I just want to worship G-d the way he wants me to worship him. This is what he has shown me he wants, and I can't go back. I can't go back to a life of one toe in and surface level preaching with manipulative narratives that serve only the purpose of the preacher. I can't go back to a life without thinking of G-d the very moment I am conscious, and praying, and thanking him, and understanding him better, and growing closer than I ever thought was possible. I can't go back. I don't want to go back. This is the relationship with G-d that I have been looking for my entire life. Even in the hard and scary moments, how could I give that up? |
| This past Shabbat we said a blessing for the new month. It was the second month that I did not know what month was next. I had gotten behind on my whiteboard because of work. Sometimes when I don't know things like that: days of the week, the month, etc., I feel like a little child. I'm learning everything all over again. Not just how to pronounce Monday in another language, but an entire different calendar system. I don't have it down yet, and it makes me feel so inadequate. It's been a year that I have been studying the holidays and going through the Hebrew calendar, but I still feel behind. I know that with work, and Hebrew classes, and Chabad Academy classes, and the Ark online, and books I'm reading, and anything else I can get my hands on, I'm being way to hard on myself. The problem is that the more I know, the more I can do. I want nothing more than to worship Hashem the way he wants me to worship him. I can't do what I don't know to do. G-d has been so good to me. I just want everything I do to make him happy. I know that is not always going to happen, but the more I know, the better person I can be, and the better I am able to follow his will for my life. I know I have come so far. I am not having to hide in a stranger's bathroom and having a panic attack. I don't have to google every other word to understand a sentence. I have good prayer habits. I study Torah every week. I want more than ever to be a Jew. I don't ever want to go back to just being. |
| Shabbat was perfect. It's not often that anyone can say that a day was perfect. I ran late (like always), but there was an energy in the air and in the singing that I had missed for a while. For a whole day, the balance between light and dark seemed to be restored. I didn't feel the pressure of darkness. I felt the light that I have been missing. It wasn't one particular person. It wasn't even a group of people. It was the entire day. It was the prayers, the people, the singing, the Torah, the message, the food, the nap, the everything. There was a deep feeling that even though the world was not at peace, my soul was at peace. I was where I belonged, and I could feel it. I left the community very late. I didn't get to do Havdalah. I ended the Shabbat driving home. Never have I ever felt the separation of Shabbat and the weekday like I did this time. I could feel the great light leave, and it was sad. I felt like I lost something, but the Shabbat just ended and the weekday began. It was almost midnight when I made it home. When work gets exhausting, life gets overwhelming, and people let me down, for one special day, none of that matters. Shabbat. Best Shabbat yet. |
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