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My journal about my conversion to Judaism. |
| I started writing my conversion story in June 2023, even though it started before then. It will not be in chronological order as I remember things from the past that brought me to this point in my life. My decision to convert was not an easy one. I grew up Pentecostal. I watched my grandma speak in tongues. My aunt played keyboard in the church band. I used to attend church (a member of a Baptist church for many years) 3 to 4 times a week. I did not start my journey of healing after my divorce and expect to end up here. However, my desire and work to grow closer to G-d has left me no doubt or question about where I am now. I have no hesitation in my conversion to Judaism. This is my story of leaving Christianity and becoming a part of a people that I will be able to, one day, proudly say that I am also. A Jew. |
| I had a rough week. Not because of any particular event, and honestly, I don't know if it was all mental from not benching properly last Shabbat. I admit that I feel much better that I have benched properly. I'm hoping that I have a better week because of it. I emailed my dean with the holiday times that I will not be able to work. This week is Rosh Hashana. I will not be working Thursday or Friday. He did not seem happy to have the list. The month of October is the high holidays and most Thursdays and Fridays I will need to take off work. I'm hoping this isn't going to be a problem, because I like my job and don't want to have to quit. I've continued attending classes, with the Rabbi who jokes, going over The Shabbos Kitchen by Rabbi Simcha Bunim Cohen. I started studying The Laws of B'rachos by Rabbi Binyomin Forst with a guy from my Hebrew class who is converting also. We are not in the same state, so we study over the phone. I had a friend come look at my kitchen set up and see if it was set up well for keeping kosher. I wanted to know if there was anything that I was missing or if there was anything that I needed to fix. I seemed to have done well. I was told that I did well and given some helpful tips. I love my friends here. They are wonderful people. I knew that moving here wouldn't make converting easier and I would have more learning to do, but I'm starting to feel like I did in college where all I do is work and study and get very little sleep. I'm tired. I want more time to study so I'm sacrificing time that I need to spend lesson planning to get it more time in. I haven't had time to bake much, and I miss baking bread. I need to find my balance. I have not found it yet. |
| It's been days since I went to dinner at a community member's house for the start of Shabbat. However, after a lovely evening and great food, I messed up. No one knows it except me. It is all that I can think about. The guilt is overwhelming. Why do I feel so guilty about this? It was late when we finished dinner. I was extremely tired as was everyone else there. Kids were passed out in various rooms of the house. I didn't know the people very well, and I could tell they were ready to go to bed or to the next community even (at 11pm!). They had benchers (prayer books for after dinner) on the table. I grabbed one along with everyone else. The only problem is that it was all in Hebrew. I can read Hebrew, yes, but slowly. It felt as though everyone was staring at me and wanted me to hurry and finish. There was no way that I could have finished doing the Grace After Meals prayer in such a short time. I skimmed some sections. I thought about what it was saying, because I knew what it was supposed to be saying, but I didn't do it all. I sometimes get busy doing things after I eat and run out of time to do the Grace After Meals, but I can't remember the last Shabbat that I didn't pray the Grace After Meals properly. I can't eat without thinking about it. I can't pray without thinking about it. I know that I am not going to feel better until after I do it properly this Shabbat. Why do I still feel guilty about it? Maybe because Shabbat is such a holy day and means so much. Maybe because I know I should have done better. Whatever the reason, I hope I never do it again, because this feeling stinks. |
| A day doesn't go by that either I clear up a misconception or start to question everything I know about something. I think I need to understand the difference between what is a Torah commandment and what is a custom for that particular thing. One example is lighting candles. I have been lighting candles to usher in the Shabbat (or turning on battery operated ones) for more than a year now. As far as I knew, women were the main ones to light candles (unless a man lived alone). I always thought we were supposed to light two candles whether married or unmarried (one for you and one for your soulmate). I even read articles about lighting two candles in your dorm room. Recently, I have heard and seen that only one candle should be lit by a single woman and she only lights two after being married. Even after getting divorced, she never lights less candles than the previous Shabbat. In both cases, lighting another candle after having a child is an optional custom, and the more children a married couple has, the more candles are lit. This just leads me to even more questions because I am a convert. I am divorced. I have four children. However, once I finish my conversion, I am told that it is the same as being a newborn child. My children will not be halachically mine (even though they will be physically and mentally). Does that mean I should light one candle? Should I light 5 candles? Should I light 2 candles? Then there is the new question of where to light. If I am not going to be home for Shabbat dinner, do I light where I am eating, or do I light at home and go to dinner? I always thought that lighting should be done over where you are going to eat Shabbat dinner as part of bringing in the Shabbat, even if that was not at home. I have learned that others think differently. Why is something that seems so simple now so complicated? |
| Imagine one day you wake up and the flower garden that you enjoyed yards away from your home is suddenly a concrete bomb shelter. This is the reality in Israel. One artist Elyasaf Miara missed the beautiful flowers that were once there, and so, he decided to do something about it. That one painting of the bomb shelter in his hometown became a full time job. He now goes around the country painting bomb shelters. https://www.youtube.com/@elyasafmiara3934/videos I feel selfish for missing the country, but I do. I miss the flowers everywhere and the over abundance of trees and animals. I miss houses that look different and are spread far apart, or are tiny little structures overlooking a lake. I try to imagine what it would be like for the little bit of beauty that I have here in the city to be gone. There were women who survived October 7 who spoke. One woman left the area with her children and took her single mother neighbor with her as part of her family. Her nephew and brother-in-law did not make it out alive. Another woman hid with her 9 year-old daughter who has been battling anxiety attacks and nightmares. When she said, "I knew that I had to be strong for her and assure her that everything would be okay. Because I had to." I knew that she would be okay. That is a phrase that every mother who has gone through trauma with her children has said, and has done. These people didn't just take the phrase "Never give up" and live by it. They transformed it into "I refuse to give up and will do all I can to help you keep going too." Listening to their stories was truly inspiring. If we are to surround ourselves with the people that we wish to emulate, then I know that I am in the right place. I see kindness in so many actions. I see love, concern, and care for one another on a daily basis. They are also so giving of their most precious commodity, time. There is no place that I would rather be on earth than right here, right now. My heart is full. |
| This week flew by and every day I had something that just made me happy to be living here in this community. I am amazed by these people that I have met. Not just by the friends that I talk to and can't wait to see, but also by others that I know their face. The amount of giving of one's time, the amount of encouragement that I get to see, the real heartfelt care for one another makes me glad that I made this decision to move here. I don't know what is going to happen in the future. I continue to go to classes and learn. I'm still in the conversion process and anything can happen now or when my conversion is complete. I don't know. I can't plan for what I don't know. I do know that no matter what happens in the future and where I end up, I am so thankful and feel blessed every day to have been led here and have had the chance to witness these moments of love and support for one another and even for strangers visiting. One of my friends, who is a wonderful person, looked at every store she went to for an item that I could not find. After a few stores, I had already given up finding it, but she became determined to find it for me. She found it and bought it, and was so happy that she found the item that I had been wanting. It takes an amazing person to go out of their way like that for someone. What really got me this week didn't even happen to me. I was listening to a guy from Israel speak about his job of painting bomb shelters. While caught up in his story, I noticed a guy ask for a cold glass of water. When it was delivered to him, he got up from his table and gave it to the speaker (who was standing in the middle of the room with no way to get a glass on his own). It was such a small gesture that showed compassion and care for another person. This is the type of thing I see almost every day here. The care and compassion for one another is an every day event and it is genuine. I can honestly say that I so thankful for this time in my life. It may be exhausting on some days to work full time during the day and study during the evenings and keep up with my children's lives, but I am always going to be thankful for this time right now. I have never felt so at home in a place as I do here in this apartment with these friends and with this community. Do I miss my friends and my old job? Absolutely, but I like my new job, and I love my new home, and I love my friends here, and I love my community. I love that I get to join in the events that I missed out on for the past year because of the distance I lived away. I love that I get to make memories both small and large. I love that I get to still be me and learn and grow closer to G-d with so many great people to offer advice and answer questions. It was hard when I moved to let go of what I had. I'm so thankful that I trusted G-d and did. Thank you Hashem for this moment, for this day, and for this time in my life. I love you. |
| Sometimes, I have no idea how things work out the way that they do, but G-d definitely has a hand in everything. When I started coming to this community (that I now live in), I had no idea how I was going to be able to afford the gas to come every week. I just knew that I had to. Something would happen the few times that I didn't think I would be able to come because of money, and I was able to. When I knew I had to move here, I didn't know I was going to be able to afford the move or how I could afford to be able to pay rent and to eat. I won't lie. Moving here was expensive, but let me tell you something that hit me in the middle of praying in the synagogue this morning. Right before the reading of the Torah, (page 223 in my Siddur) the prayer starts with a blessing. In this prayer, it says, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." Last week we had a huge storm that took out the power. I was without power for three days. I threw away a large amount of food. Kosher food is not cheap. I didn't worry too much because I had plenty of mac & cheese and pancake mix in the cupboard. Eating on that was no big deal for a couple of weeks, because I could eat a salad and cholent at shul on Shabbat after davening. That line brought me to tears (which I held back because I didn't want to look like a blubbering idiot or have to explain why I was crying), because I had worried about not having my basic needs met when I was moving here. I have lived in my new apartment for six weeks (have had my keys for over seven). I have paid three months rent on two different apartments (over $8000), have covered every expense: books for studying for conversion, new classroom supplies, gas to go back and forth between apartments and cities, moving expenses (including renting a van and carpet cleaning), regular bills, and food. I have paid all my bills, and I have not gone hungry once (except when I was too busy and forgot to eat - my fault, not G-d's). I have already replaced food in my fridge. Not all of it, but most of it. I was told that if G-d wanted me to convert, he would help me move. I, of course believed that to be true. There is a difference, however, between knowing something to be true and watching it happen before you eyes. I have worked on my trust (Bitachon) and faith emunah) for over a year and let every coincidental event that helped me get here to this community be my fuel to keep going. There is nothing "coincidental" about having to pay over $8000 for rent in addition to extra expenses. There is nothing "coincidental" about losing power and throwing away hundreds of dollars of food and being able to replace it. There is nothing "coincidental" about seeing every need that I have be filled, paying every bill, never going hungry (again, except when I forget to eat), and still not being penniless. This line hit me with me new meaning today, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." It has never been so clear that G-d is taking care of me than it has been these past 7 weeks. I have stressed and had conversations with G-d and with friends for months about how I needed to move here and how I had no idea how I could afford it as a poor single parent living on a teacher's salary. Every penny that I have had in my bank account has been from working. I earned it. Every penny that I have spent has been from my own bank account. There is no "coincidence" that anyone can claim occurred. How then did I have the money to do all of this? I have worked extra hard and extra long, and left the rest up to G-d. I could see today how he has kept me fed. When I worked so long that I wasn't sure what I was going to eat because I was too tired to cook (not because I didn't have food), someone invited me to dinner (every time, no lie). When I wasn't sure how I was going to afford next week's bills, my check included pay that I thought wasn't going to be paid for another month. He has fed me. He has sustained me. There have been times in this conversion process that have been overwhelming. There have been times that I have been in awe and wonder. There are many times that I was in this city and asked G-d, "Are you sure you really want me here?" and then there are times that I just trusted him. I have never seen G-d work on such a massive scale as he has over the past three months. He has turned my prayer from, "If this is what you want for my life, I am trusting you" to, "It is You Who feeds all and sustains all." Once again, G-d, your love have moved me to tears. Thank you for all you have done for me, all that you are doing for me, and all that you will do for me. Your kindness is truly overwhelming. |
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