%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
| Taking my journal to a somewhat more public forum. Perhaps there is some exchange of ideas or shared experience. |
| I may have mentioned that I often connect with lyrics when listening to music. A few days a go an old Eurythmics tune popped up...Love is a Stranger...not a terrible song, kind of catchy and fun to sing along to. Inside it has some pretty biting lyrics if you really listen. One bit has been rattling around in my head ever since...in a sequence of the ways to describe love when it hurts...it shines like destruction. The beauty is that if I had to describe how something shines like destruction I probably could not however, the point is clearly made in the lyric. Anything that can shine like destruction is probably frightening, deadly and beautiful all at once. It is probably that thing that we should never touch but can never avoid. Just the thought in my head as I work on this Sunday morning. |
| Driving to work this morning and there it is. A tightness in my chest, a restlessness, all of my thoughts coalescing in a singular direction. I have a notion that if I am not careful I will not want to get out of bed tomorrow. I will wrap myself in the comforter, drink coffee with Alfred Hitchcock, and ponder all of he things I should be doing. Later I will lament everything I did not accomplish and my mood will be even more bleak... As of this moment...sipping lavender tea, trying to find some work item that will focus my attention, and wondering why the ellipsis is such a preferable piece of punctuation. It is good to recognize the cycle, now what to do with that recognition. |
| 22 day later I find myself adding to a "sort of daily" journal. I guess the "sort of" is much more loose than originally intended. Thanksgiving has come and gone. This year was actually pretty good. We managed to make it through without drama; no shouting or tears. The food, if I do say so myself, was excellent. My husband wanted mac and cheese, he brought home a pretty loose recipe. He always approaches my cooking as if I have never been in a kitchen. It is true that I do not particularly enjoy cooking on a daily basis but, I am pretty good at it. After several reminders about not forgetting to use gouda and the importance of getting the roux right, I was set up for success. The roux was smooth, spices were added in...a little smoked paprika...three varieties of freshly grated cheese were folded it, including the gouda. The cheese was layered with elbow macaroni. A little cheddar and parmesan sprinkled on top. It was delicious. After today the house goes back to normal. The crowd of 12 shrinks back to two. Gourmet mac and cheese returns to simple dinners for two. And the bathrooms will, once again, be clean. While I definitely need a nap, it has been a good week. |
| After a brief hiatus, the journal continues. I like music, I am mostly a lyrics person. The songs I like the most are typically songs that have lyrics I can identify with in some way. Every now and then I will hear a song that I have heard a thousand times and suddenly I have a reaction to the words. This happened on the way to work this morning. I am not, as a general rule, a Barenaked Ladies fan. They are ok, I don't change the radio station when they come on, (judge if you must but, this is my general reaction to Bruce Springsteen) at the same time, I don't seek them out. This morning "Pinch Me" was playing and I kind of felt as if they were reading my mind. In this moment, trying to understand the world around me and where I fit. Looking at my life and wondering who would really notice if I didn't show up. Then they get to the line, "I could leave but I'll just stay. All my stuff's here anyway" and realized I've said almost those same words 100 times in the past six months. At the same time, it sounds like such a happy song on the surface. And, yes I have started the Hunter's Moon story. It is a few days from completion. |
| Last night driving home I was struck by an idea for a story. I was traveling from a direction I have never approached home after dark. We have only been in the house 7 months or so and I am very much a creature of habit. To travel home from the direction I was traveling, a left from a highway is required. When I travel from that direction in the daylight I have milestones to plot my location including a particular point at which I move to the left lane and a point where I know the turn is imminent. It was odd doing it in the dark. The markers I use look much different and most are more difficult to see. Not only was the travel different, the moon was incredible. It was the Hunter's moon, just waning from full. I almost thought I should pull the car over for a moment to get a good look. I was trying to watch for my milestones with this giant, orange moon constantly in the corner of my eye. I managed to make the turn on time and then I was home. Our drive is roughly 150 yards from road to house, as I made my way up the driveway, I had the most eerie feeling. For a brief moment it was as if I was the only person left in the world. After parking, I had to just stand there for a moment...listening to the quiet of the evening, staring at that huge moon. Somewhere in there is a story about a woman who follows the moon home and finds herself totally alone. |
| I don’t particularly love my job. It pays well, has good benefits and can be very interesting on most days. When I boil it down, I believe the lack of love is tied up in the nature of a manufacturing facility. A tremendous amount of money (now money and future money) is bound to schedule. This inevitably leads to decisions and behaviors that make work life unpleasant at best. One aspect of the job that I do love is the team that I have built. I have 3 young Quality Engineers on staff that can bring out the very best in me. They are all close in age to my children, they are bright, dedicated and, most important of all funny. And it is the best kind of funny. They get the subtle jokes, they know how to shrug off leadership challenges we face with humor and grace, and they seem to know just when I need a good laugh to get through the day. Today I took a little break from slogging through requisitions and resumes trying to balance my need for team fit with leadership need for filling gaps quickly. I happened upon my little team of engineering professionals. As we talked I mentioned that I was attempting to hire an engineer with the last name of Palm. I made an off-hand reference to the Pan/Pam scene from Step Brothers. Despite the challenges we have faced with production this entire weekend and the workload they are carrying, they launched into their own rendition of that scene if I had only been willing to “tag one of us” into the interview. I left the little meeting happier, with a smile on my face. I am grateful for this little group. I try to recognize their work and give them solid feedback on their performance. I’m not sure they know the extent to which I really do rely on them and how much better they make my day. |
| I journal on, what would appear to the outsider as, a fairly random basis. For those inside my head there would be a very well defined pattern. At a steady state I keep busy; work with solid focus, make traction on hobbies and projects, and make time to write. When I cycle into that manic, frenzied place I have so much energy and drive to accomplish that I am standing in my own way; I make very thorough lists of work tasks that I really want to accomplish, I make zero progress on four or five ongoing projects all at the same time, and I think an awful lot about writing. When the dark place comes, I write and write some more. It seemed worthwhile to find some way to push myself to write in a more consistent way and to write regardless of the mental place I find myself. In some ways, I believe this may even out the flow a bit. Although it is a goal, I don’t believe I can commit to daily input to this journal; I will commit to making it as daily as possible. For each entry, my goal is to write about something that has inspired me on that day. Inspiration can come in so many forms…something for which I am grateful, something that makes me think, somethings that teaches me a lesson or educates me, something that sparks creativity. Thus begins the journey… |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
