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This BLOG is duplicated from my website and can be pretty random. Philosophical. |
| I have found that the writing I initially did for therapy and catharsis has been of some interest to others so I started a blog on my personal website. I will be copying those here to get feedback as well as entertain. |
Suicide My mother took her own life. Two of my uncles have taken their own lives. Several of my friends have taken their own lives over the years. I have tried to take my own life numerous times with a couple of those attempts very serious. As a paramedic for 20 years I attended thousands of completed and attempted suicides. Finally, although not licensed I completed a college course in counseling. So, I think I am qualified to speak a bit about suicide. I’ll start with my mother. She had been doing a lot of writing and had started an autobiography shortly before her death, so I have a bit to go on there. She also had lists of bills, potential homes, etc. so she was not planning to kill herself during at least part of that time. She had been making plans and trying to help herself. The introduction to her autobiography shows that she knew she was in poor mental health and thought by getting everything down she could save herself. Towards the end the writing got darker, the drawings macabre, and the lists were unachievable. She ran out of hope. As I’ve mentioned in other blogs hope is the key to surviving suicidal periods. The one suicide attempt that I made that was truly intended to end my life and left me angry the next morning when I woke up was at a point I saw zero hope left. It was towards the end of my addiction and I was being indicted for my 4th felony and I knew my life was over and I would be going to prison. I believe that surviving that attempt, along with putting my life back together after getting sober, has shown me that there is always hope. I have had some suicidal thoughts since then but no real intention or plan to go through with it because I have hope. The state of mind that precedes a suicide attempt is extremely powerful. I know intimately the pain caused by the suicides of my uncles, my friends, and of course my mother. The devastation left behind is so complete because not only is the person gone but it is sudden and usually unexpected. The survivors usually have guilt because they wonder if they could have done anything to stop it. The bargaining phase of grief never seems to end with a loved ones suicide. Yet, having this intimate knowledge I still went through with it multiple times believing I would die even knowing the pain it would cause. That is a powerful state of mind indeed. I can only speak for myself but at that point everything seems to slow down. It felt like my mind was going in slow motion and I felt numb. Suicide is very selfish and during those periods it was like I couldn’t think of anyone else. My mother’s writings don’t mention anyone else, outside her distant past mentioned in her autobiography, in any of her journaling or manuscript. It felt mechanical like once the decision was made the mind goes into a different mode and excludes everything and everyone except the details necessary to complete the task. When I’ve had suicidal thoughts without the determination to go through with it I was still able to think about my loved ones and the pain it would cause. I could still make plans to get out of the current situation. Once the ability to plan and cope with whatever was bothering me diminished is when I would actually begin to make serious plans. My attempts were all using something I had on hand and did not require any real preparation. Most of the attempted and completed suicides I have been aware of were the same that is using something on hand. Unless one is seriously disturbed, outside of the suicidal thoughts, I don’t think myself or most other people would be able to follow through with any suicide plans that required the gathering of materials or extensive planning and preparation. I have seen anecdotal stories of people doing so but I have not witnessed that. For me the simple act of getting in the car to go to a store would break that train of thought and make me see things differently. I would find hope again. So once again hope is the key, see: https://wandajane.com/f/hope, and it is what has saved my life over and over again. I may be able to define other components of the decision not to kill myself on many occasions – prayer, friends, getting to a meeting, etc. But, it was always the restoration of hope that took the thoughts and urge away. I know what I’m going to say next may sound dangerous to some, but suicidal thoughts can be very comforting also. Much like using the “one day at a time” concept from AA about drinking I can do the same with suicide. I know I can push through difficulty one day at a time without taking a drink because that concept contains the implied promise that I could drink the next day if I wanted to. In the same way I can push through difficulty one day at a time without killing myself because I could end it tomorrow if it seems to be too much. I also believe that both concepts only work if I have intimate knowledge of both subjects. In other words, I know the horrors of alcoholism, so the concept works. In the same way, I know the power of believing I have killed myself, so the concept works. In both cases it is not merely words but the intimate knowledge and power behind it that work. I also know the devastating consequences of both decisions, so I do not believe I would go through with either choice today. But, I am also aware of myself enough today to know when to get help. I drove over to a friends house and asked to sleep on her couch for a couple of nights because I was scared of myself. I also have gone to meetings and confessed the urge to drink. I want to stress that these thoughts apply to me only! If you are having suicidal thoughts or have contemplated killing yourself do not rely on my thoughts or methods, please reach out for help. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline • Call or text: 9-8-8 • Chat online: 988lifeline.org • Support for people who are deaf and hard of hearing: Use your preferred relay service or dial 711 then 988. |
Prejudice I was listening to Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd the other day and it reminded me of how I thought and believed just a few years ago. My mind was very different at that time and prejudiced against most cultures, races, preferences, etc. Oh, I fancied myself an open minded person, but in reality I was extremely close minded. I was afraid of everyone who was remotely different than me or who had any thoughts that crossed mine. Hell, for that matter I was afraid of anyone who thought at all. Because I was afraid, but didn’t know it at the time, that if I thought much my little world would fall apart. After getting sober I did begin to think, and my little world did fall apart. What I have found in examining my “little world” was that it was a tiny stain of a worldview built up by adopting the thoughts of other people also with little worlds. The problem with that kind of worldview is that it is very, very fragile and a little bit of independent thinking tears it apart. That tearing apart is terrifying, so it is protected with hate, vitriol, and violence or in other words hate. So how did I get there? I’m certain I wasn’t born racist or hateful. My early upbringing was done primarily by my mother and her parents and they were certainly not racist or hateful. My grandparents were very open to accepting all people on their merits. I never heard any of them use racist language or any racial slurs. I was in that environment until I was 5 years old and then my dad came back into the picture. Now my father on the other hand is a different story. He was admittedly by word and deed very racist. Three years after my parents got back together and we settled into a house in Denver my mother became friends with a black woman from church and I was friends with her son. She sought relief and hope in the church because my father was always drunk and abusive. I remember us getting a ride home from this woman one Sunday and my father using a common racial slur and telling my mother to make the lady leave, and she refused. My father left us the following weekend. I think that started sewing the seeds of racism because I blamed that woman for losing my father. I also had a best friend form the neighborhood who was black, but we got into a terrible fight and became enemies. Not too long after that I started being bounced around group and foster homes as well as institutions and eventually youth corrections. Throughout all of those places we tended to stick together by race and culture so that reinforced my cultural stereotyping. After getting out of corrections I wound up living with and working for my dad for a year or so and his racist ideology continued to rub off on me. I then began hanging around with a certain group of people who also had racist views and actions for a few more years. I then went back to my dad for many more years. There is an old saying that says, “If you hang around a barbershop long enough you’re going to get a haircut”. I also know that habits come from practice and after being in racist environments long enough it becomes habit and eventually an adopted ideology. I guess I never did anything overt like publicly using racial slurs or wearing identifying clothing or tattoos. I would certainly judge you though and my actions showed it. Even though I didn’t realize how racist I had become I’m pretty sure people of color get to know a certain look and language that come from racist people and saw it in me. Still though, I was for the most part okay on the outside, but my insides were pretty ugly by the time I began to change my views. Being alcoholic made not caring about it even easier. In January of 2015 I was involved in a road rage incident that was at least in part racially motivated. That is what led up to me getting sober as well as taking a hard look at my views and behavior. I could no longer rely on my old argument of it’s okay to think it if I don’t act on it. I had actually shot at someone again at least in part due to their race so I could no longer fool myself. Part of doing a thorough 4th step is getting everything down on paper, so I listed all of my resentments, including my racial and cultural bias so we could take a look at it and see my part in all of it. The thing is with hate is that it was ALL my part because none of those other people had done anything other than exist. Once I began to get honest with myself and really look at my hate it all melted and faded away pretty quickly. With that said I still have prejudicial thoughts come to my mind from time to time. Like thoughts of drinking or using they become less and less frequent but much like the urges to drink remind me that I am a recovering alcoholic the thoughts remind me that I am a recovering bigot as well. This has been a difficult article to write because it can be painful to remember how nasty I used to be. It brings hope though because in writing it I realize how far I have come and can demonstrate that change is possible. I think that much like my recovery from alcoholism I need to be able to “play the tape to the end” when certain thoughts and ideas pop into my head to remember how bad it got. I am grateful today for all of the events that led up to me realizing I needed to change. |
Trust What is trust? That is quite a question if you think about it. There are many types of trust. There is blind trust, which comes easier to some than others, more on that in a minute. There is earned trust, broken trust, implied trust, etc. Anyway, trust is very personal and intimate. It is not the same to everyone so one should evaluate their views on trust once in a while or it all becomes blind trust. Throughout much of my life I lived on blind trust. I didn’t think things through very much and just assumed everything would work out which is one definition of blind trust. I also assumed that most people had good intentions and would not bring me harm. I was proven wrong on enough occasions that I slowly moved to a position of zero trust. This was partially because my motives were entirely selfish and so I perceived everyone else as out to get me. A leap of faith is another type of trust where the perceived promise is greater than the consequences but not guaranteed. Getting myself sober was a leap of faith and my first real act of trust in a very long time. I was lucky in that the people around me in early recovery supported me without trying to take advantage of me. I say lucky because that is not always the case and I have seen many people taken advantage of in early recovery and it made it much harder for them to trust the process and program of recovery. I have heard it said that faith comes a lot easier with a track record and that is the same for trust. That would be earned trust. It started with my sponsor meeting me when he said he would, or the meeting hall being opened on time. As people continued to do what they said they were going to do they earned my trust. I then had to take a long hard look at myself and see that I had earned quite the reputation for being untrustworthy. In the last few years of my addiction I had proven this reputation by chronically calling off work, not showing up when I had agreed to, stealing, and petty much letting everyone I knew down over and over. There were two sides to that coin and luckily one side was a new start with a new group of people. The other side of the coin was the people I already knew. Promising to stay sober only to be drunk again by afternoon for 25 years shredded any trust with the wife and kids as well as friends and relatives. This is of course broken trust and the hardest to mend. In many cases it is impossible to regain broken trust. As I mentioned trust is a very personal and intimate thing and regaining trust has as much to do with the person I am trying to regain trust with as it does with my new behavior. I know people who have a very short “trust fuse” and once burned it does not get replaced. I know of people who would never trust me again but at a certain point that is on them and not me, at least in my opinion. So again, I see that trust is very personal. Trust is something that can only be evaluated by the person giving the trust and it can be very frustrating when someone refuses to give you trust. I may feel that I have earned trust but am not looking through the same lens the person I am asking to trust me. I do not know what that person has been through and how many times they have been burned by trusting someone. Depending on the circumstances I can be a bit of a sucker by extending a person trust when many others would not. On the other hand, I have a very short trust fuse in other circumstances such as newcomers in my Oxford House. It is unfortunate, but most newcomers are being held up to a yardstick built by others’ past failures. Trust is one of those things that can’t be measured easily and again I may feel I deserve trust from someone who won’t extend it to me in the measure I feel I have earned. I can make charts and look at the pros and cons of trusting someone but in the end, it usually comes down to a gut feeling or instinct. Trust is not like a paycheck where I put in my hours and get paid for those hours. I may put in all of the work and time but still not be trusted by some. So, in the end, trust is almost mystical in that it may not be easily measured and discerned by the person expecting the trust. I may simply remind the other person of someone who screwed them over before and therefor may either need extra proof to be trusted or never gain trust at all. On the other hand, I may remind the person of someone kind or trustworthy in their past and gain trust easily. No matter how I have gained someone’s trust I have found, through painful experience, that it is something of extreme value and should not be taken for granted. When I was a firefighter I gained the absolute trust of many under my command and lost it all one night by driving a firetruck drunk. Because of that I had to leave that life behind and could never gain that level of trust back. I have regained nearly that level of trust in my recovery and sober living communities in that whether they love me or hate me, the people around me today know that I do what I say I will and protect the things I am entrusted with. So today I realize that my actions are very important and that everything I do can affect the trust given me. I also realize that any decision I make or action I take could affect my credibility and trust levels. I also realize that things do not happen in a vacuum and that what I do in one circle could affect my trust in another circle. So, I am careful to speak the truth in all situations. And, as I have said before, the best way to avoid lying is to not do things I need to lie about. Gaining trust involves loyalty, integrity, honesty, and consistency and those things are within my control. The trust itself is, at least somewhat, out of my control and is complicated by many parameters also outside of my control. What I have found is that if I live my life by those principles mentioned above I have the best chance of gaining and keeping trust and know that if trust is not given it is not my fault and out of my hands. It is a shame that this kind of wisdom come to us later in life, at least in my case anyway and usually through much pain and error. I am just glad that I am reaching that point. |
| Connections I believe that everything is connected at some level. If nothing else all matter is connected through the laws of nature and the universe. Nothing can actually defy gravity, so everything is connected by the law of gravity. Going further, all living beings require air, so we are all connected by it. I think that on a long enough timeline, we would all share a molecule or two by simply breathing. Going further, I believe all beings are connected by energy as well. I'm not just talking about electrical or easily measured energy but energy at a spiritual level. As I have mentioned before I think that all humans, and most animals too I guess, are animated computers made of meat. I will go further to say that for that computer animation to rise to the level of having a "personality" then the energy must be somehow divine or inherently intelligent. Our species has gone to great lengths to understand and describe the laws and forces that control energy, so I would postulate that the energy that animates the personality of homo sapiens would fall under the same laws. I figure that if this energy, or soul if you will, was not subject to these same laws, at least while it is inhabiting the body, we would have seen some evidence of it by now. I will simply say that I believe that this energy, or at least the intelligent part of it, is independent of the body containing it. I will not try to explain that belief further because numerous religions, superstitions, and other systems have spent plenty of time and spilled blood over that. I do believe that if my life force or soul energy was to inhabit another body I would still be me in that body. If this is all true, then it makes sense to me that my life force has had other experiences besides this current one. During those other experiences and excursions, I am sure that my life force has interacted with the other life forces that are traveling through whatever we are traveling through. If you take a still body of water and drop multiple stones or other objects into it there will be ripples created. These ripples along with their interactions and reactions can all be described, plotted, and predicted by scientific methods. So, if my life force was one of these stones and the body of water the totality of our existence then my ripples have interacted with countless other soul ripples and taken a bit of theirs with mine as well as contributing a bit of me to theirs. I believe that is why when we meet someone for what we think is the first time but seem to have an instant connection and they "feel like home" then we have previously exchanged a bit of energy. I guess it is also possible that we have both alternately shared energy with a common connection. There have been a few examples in my life where I met someone and there was an instant recognition and comfort level that is hard to explain by intellectual and emotional means only. I have two current friends who meet that criteria, it was like we had known each other forever when we first met. It was as if we were opening a book not writing a new one. I also recently reconnected with a friend from childhood I had not talked to in over 50 years and we began conversing like we had seen each other last week. She then sent me a couple of photos from that era and along with all the memories that the pictures evoked there was also a stirring or movement of energy within me. I have reconnected with others from my past and seen other photos without this same feeling. I believe that we connected at a deep energy level back then even if I didn't perceive it at the time. Like an imprinting of some sort. I mentioned in a blog about grief that I believe the pain and emotions we feel when grieving a loss is the loss of the connection. I think that is why there are certain people that I have lost in my life, either from death or the severing of the relationship, that I have grieved differently than others. The people I have had these deeper connections with seem to have been more complex. While the grief is stronger because the lost connection was greater, there is also a certain comfort associated with those losses. I believe that if the connection is strong enough to transcend this existence then it continues. When I think about one of those "feels like home" relationships or lives that have been lost then there is an almost instant warmth and comfort as well. So, my connections are much more complex than they seem. Understanding and accepting this concept brings me clarity and peace. As to how that energy ebbs and flows under the surface of our existence is a question for another day and well beyond my grasp anyway. I used to think I had to figure it all out but I like things a little bit vaguer today. I also believe that the same concept works in the other direction as well. There are those people we meet and have an instant negative feeling towards. Maybe they were the landlord that evicted us or possibly ever our murderer in a past life or another dimension, who knows. Or maybe they have just been collecting dark energy for a few cycles again, who knows? I have learned to trust those feelings though and usually deeply regret ignoring them. I guess this piece has turned out kind of me trying to explain my soul and the interdimensional space I think it lives in. I would love to hear what others think. |
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