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I am starting a new chapter in my life..... |
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I started job hunting today...... sort of. I am working with my new friend Audrey (employment specialist) to get ready to go job hunting. We're going to be redoing my wardrobe (somewhat) and doing practice interviews and such. This is where the journey will be documented for posterity. I also will throw in news about my writing now and again as that is what the site is for. Okay, so there are scraps of anything that might affect my life ... |
| Saw Jacob (case manager) today. Rehashed a bunch of stale gunk basically. Mostly talked about my medical problems and the fun I'm having running to appointments for tests and no one telling me anything. He marked all the groups I was supposed to be attending as "Completed" though most of them I never went to a single meeting. That's just great. Some of them you can't take again for like 6 months to a year. We are going into winter though, and I don't want to be hauling my cookies through the snow every week, so I guess it could be a good thing. Jacob is coming here to the house to see me on December 13. Friday the 13th. Should be interesting. I told Terry about it and she was already harping on the house being cleaned and I better step it up. Bite me is all I got to say. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________- Tried to do that house cleansing yesterday and half-butted it. Basically, I stepped into a room, waved some sage around, said some words, did some chanting, move to the next room, repeat. I didn't do the basement and didn't do the front porch and forgot my room, Terry's room, the female bathroom, and the small hallway. I don't care. I didn't feel good and for some reason my nerves were up yesterday; probably because I knew I was in way over my head. Oh well. I told the kids I did it and they aren't as scared now, and I haven't really felt the main spirit I was trying to get rid of, so I guess something good might of come from it. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________- Not much else going on. I did scratch some notes on a couple of my stories so my muse must be starting to play again. I'm going to try to write a short story possibly if I can't get myself to work on my novels. Wish me luck. |
| The air went out of those sails quickly..... I'm back to all I want to do is lay around and hopefully sleep..... I went out with Sally on Monday. We went to Ted's Coney Island for coffee. She got toast that she didn't eat. No matter, she paid. I threw some money on the table for a tip. After Ted's we went to Dollar Tree. They didn't have my hair dye, but I stocked up on batteries. Oh, I could have looked at more stuff, but my bowels had other ideas. I barely made it in the house. I told Sally about all the stuff that is going on with me and about being in the ER 3 times this month. That was fun. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________- I came home and got nothing done. Terry wanted me to help with the twins. They had oral surgery. Not good. whiny, crybabies that just wanted to be cuddled. Why couldn't I have been the one that the dog chose? _________________________________________________________________________________________________________-- I had indigestion on Monday that went into today. Cramps but no bleeding. Loose stools still. Get overheated, turn the fan on, get cold, turn the fan off, repeat. I did spend some time with "How Psychic Are You?" today. There's a lot of basic information in there on a boat load of stuff from dream interpretation to Runes and I Ching, Numerology and reading auras. It is very kewl. Now if I could only get myself to work with it. ________________________________________________________________________________________________ We've had a jokester shadow spirit in the house since we moved in but 1) I never had the proper tools for a house cleansing, 2) I didn't have the time to do a house cleansing out of the prying eyes of skeptics, and 3) he wasn't anything more than a minor annoyance until recently. I have the tools and everyone but me is going to be out of the house on Thursday afternoon. |
| Went to the Clinic for my appointment this morning. Doctor Justin said I was pale and I was falling asleep every other sentence. I felt weak and hot. I almost walked into a wall when I entered. I couldn't stand without swaying. Dr. Justin did not like the results from the ER last Friday and what my blood work had showed but they did nothing about. He did not want to send me back to McClaren but there was no choice. My insurance won't cover Lake Huron anymore. I also did not have transportation, so we had no choice again but to call an ambulance to take me back to the ER. They did a bunch of blood tests, an EKG and filled me with a lot of IVs. I fell asleep for about an hour and a half, maybe even two. They said I had a nasty urinary tract infection and sent me home. Got a cab ride out of them again. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I missed my appointments with Jacob and Amy. I'll have to call on Monday to reschedule. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Yesterday I got a bunch of my stuff from Temu in the mail: I got a deck of Rune Cards, a set of chakra stones., The Green Witch Oracle Deck, Tarotorial; The Ultimate Tarot Training Deck, sao paulo incense sticks, a jellyfish nightlight, an aurora borealis projection nightlight (I gave to Terry and she has it going in the living room), a bath blanket with two washcloths and a toilet light (that I don't know what to do with yet). The stuff I'm getting from Temu, along with renewed interest on other things I got for my magick, has reinforced my initiative for it. David bought us Chinese yesterday and my fortune read: Be prepared. There is a new life on the horizon. My life is starting to feel magickal again. It is giving me renewed vigor and hope for a better tomorrow. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I also found my DBT Skills Workbook; Handouts and Worksheets. I am trying to get myself to go through it and refresh my skills. I'm also hoping it will give Sally and I something to talk about. Cha...cha.....cha.....changes....... |
A question: I've heard point of view described as the view from the camera on top of a character's head. Sometimes it is wired into their psyche. I think most often it is not. Lately in my novels, the camera seems to jump between characters...... My novel, "Rage of Envy Rewrite Project"  , for example, the camera jumps between two characters, the girlfriend of the accused and a police detective. The accused, the gf, and three other boys, are on the run. There is very little contact between these two characters through most of the story. It is just told from the two points of view.My other novel that I'm working on, "Birchwood Manor" , is about five characters stuck in a haunted manor...and the point of view camera jumps between all of them. I'm trying to use third -person-omniscient without delving into their heads.I would be the second to tell you that I have trouble handling point of view in my stories. (The first to tell you would have been my Writing group leader if he were still alive. Then he would give me a lecture about staying in tense, which I am worse at.) You don't even want to see what happens when I try to delve into a character's head. I end up with three page monologues, just for starters. It gets even uglier from there. so I put it out to you, dear WdC members. Am I going about it okay, or am I full of bologna? Please ignore this if it confuses you to no end. |
| So the 11th was a holiday so CMH was not open; i.e. no Sally. I sat on the steps for 20 minutes before I realized it.. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ It was too late to catch a bus to my Neurology appointment so I canceled that. I'm going to talk to them about what appointments I've missed and have to make up when I go to my appointment on the 14th with them. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I wrote 1000 words yesterday. Haven't gotten to writing yet today. Been researching my magick and playing with some Chinese boading balls. Still bleeding. Still cramping. Tried on the clothes I got from Salvation Army. Only could wear two tops and one pair of pants. I don't even really like them. Oh well. Had decided on Monday to take all the books back to the library. I just can't get into any of them. Not peaking my interest. I'm going to try reading some of my old books on writing and magick books. _____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I read an article in Writer's Digest today on "Virtual Mentors". The mentor they were talking about using was Michael Crichton. I kept thinking "that's all well and good, but did he write anything on writing?".... I'd have a little bit of work as far as they implied, but my virtual mentor, of course, would be Lawrence Block. I've read most of his books on writing but only a couple of his fiction works. I decided next time I do go to the library I'm going to pick up a couple of his books........ There seems to be a bit going on. Feels better than before but not enough to call it good yet. Maybe things are looking up. |
| Let me finally spell out the problem I've been having for almost two months now. I started not just having periods, but basically hemorrhaging after having been in menopause for six years and not having any. at first there was nothing, just bleeding a lot, which was enough. Then I started having off and on cramps which sometimes knocked me off my feet for the day. Then there was not just pressure, but pain with a capital P. With the pain I started passing clots. I went to the ER the first time the day I had my first gynecology appointment and all they did was schedule me for bloodwork and an Ultrasound (which they did when I went in that night) which by the way was Halloween night. That was when they said I had a cyst on my ovary and to follow up with Gynecology. Gynecology decided the records they received from the ER were "inconclusive" and they would call me when they could get my insurance to approve an MRI. Cue the long silence. I went back to the ER today because I was having to change my pullup every hour and was passing clots the size of golf balls. (ended up taking an ambulance there this time) Spent six hours there for them to do a CT scan and a pelvic exam. All that and all they would tell me was to follow up with Gynecology............ And, oh, by the way, the CT scan showed a spot on your lung so you need to follow up with your primary care as well.... I am at the point of "Just tell me my body is riddled with cancer so I can just die"...... I don't even care if I write another word ever tonight......... |
| Went with Audrey today to get my clothes from The Salvation Army Store. The voucher said I could get 4 tops and pants sets, 2 dresses, shoes and a jacket. but, it also said I could only have $15 worth. Everything we looked at was $3 and $4 a piece. I ended up coming home with 3 tops and 2 pairs of pants. I was upset but what could I do? We had run out of time as it was looking for what we found. I still don't even know if it fits because they no longer have fitting rooms. Salvation Army has gone down hill yet they are opening a new store on the North End. With the way the rest of the retail has been going, they will be closing the South end store shortly after opening the new one, I told Audrey that I wanted to back off on IPS for now and work with Michigan Rehab. I just meant that I didn't want to get together on a scheduled basis every week, rather get together when we have something substantial to do. She said she will close my case for now and to let Jacob know when I wanted to restart. Oh well. If I find someplace that I might want to drop a resume or something I can go with Sally on a Monday. She would be thrilled to take me. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I figured I would tell you what books on writing I picked up at the library. How Not to Write a Novel: 200 Classic Mistakes and How to Avoid Them, a Misstep By Misstep Guide. by Howard Mittlemark and Sandra Newman. How I Write. Secrets of a Bestselling Author. by Janet Evanovich with Ina Yalof. From Idea to Novel, Mastering the Process by Elizabeth George These two are the ones I got before. I picked them because they were Young Adult Novels. Ghost House by Alexandraa Adornetto. New York Times Bestselling Author of the HALO Trilogy. Witches of Ash and Ruin by E. Latimer. II don't know what I am going to end up doing with them all. I jotted some notes as I skimmed through From Idea to Novel. I had started reading Witches of Ash and Ruin but it takes effort for me to pick it up. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Everything takes effort these days. I've been hoping for something to pick up my mood. I thought getting the clothes was going to do it but that just turned into another let down. I don't know. I guess I need to just keep forcing myself to do things until I find something that will be that pick me up. |
| Way behind on NaNo, but have had some new developments. Found my original notes to "Birchwood Manor" so going back to it for NaNo. I did write approximately 700 words to a Christmas story yesterday though. Don't know if I should add it to my word count..... I feel like I already failed this year, so it really doesn't matter what I do.I'm going to go ahead and add those 700 words. They were written with the intent of NaNo so I feel they count. __________________________________________________________________________________ Went to the library again with Sally. There wasn't anything else for us to do as we were both flat broke. Took out three more books. These are books on writing that I'm just going to skim through. Audrey called Michigan Rehabilitation who then called me. I have an intake appointment with them in December. I think, after we get my clothes, I'm going to tell Audrey that we can play it by ear on when we want to meet again. What I need is the job training that MR will provide before I can get a job. As I keep telling myself, I just don't have the proof of most of my knowledge. ______________________________________________________________________________________________________ Gynecology called me. Where, when I was in the ER, they told me I had a cyst on my ovary, the report they gave the office said it was inconclusive. They want me to go f or more tests and will call me when they get them set up. I need to call the pharmacy. I'm almost out of insulin and Trulicity. I've been on the CGM thingy and it always says that I am high so I mostly ignore it. I need to call the clinic to see when my next appointment with them is. Neurology still has me running my tail off for appointments. _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ All I can do is take one day at a time and hope things keep going smoothly.. |
| I am changing my NaNo project. I started with "Birchwood Manor" but I just keep wanting my original notes and I am second guessing every other word. I just can't work on it until I can find my notes which are probably in the basement. I've checked my room completely as I was certain I left them in here, but I guess not. So where does that put us? I did find my notes to my Christmas stories, so I am going to continue my word count for the month on those. ______________________________________________________________________________________________----- Between NaNo, job searching, medical appointments, and the kids I have been stressed out to the max. There are so many things I wish I could change about my life but most of it costs money that I don't have. I'm going out tomorrow morning with Sally. I don't know what we are going to do. I have an appointment with Audrey on Tuesday so I'm going to take the voucher to Salvation Army with her. I've got to call gynecology and see if they got my test results from Thursday. I've got to call the pharmacy and get refills on my Trulicity and insulin. There's probably other calls I need to make. Everything and nothing going on at once. Story of my life. |
| First day of NaNoWriMo. I wrote 703 words. Not bad but not my goal of 2000 a day. Still, I may write more of it later. ____________________________________________________________________________________________------ Still nothing on the job front. I'm ready to give up as always. I know I am not going to do the fleeting thought I have once in a while of caving in and applying for fast food. I just had a thought. What if the jobs I've applied to have tried to contact my old jobs or my references and gotten bad reviews or no reviews at all. I can totally see that happening. Face it. I am not qualified to work in the areas I want to, and I cannot work in the areas I am qualified for. How am I supposed to keep my hopes up? The only calls I've gotten since I started putting my number out there for jobs is "reduce your debt", "you may qualify for up to $?????? a month", and "we can lower your monthly utility bills" (and of course the potential spam blocked by my phone). It is all hopeless. __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I cannot do anything productive. I am coming to that conclusion. It is the harsh cruel reality of things. How do I continue to go on? How do I feel good about myself? I don't know. Sometimes I do things just to drone away time. I keep thinking that if I keep trying, I will find something that makes me content. That is what I have settled for: Contentment. I can't say that anything gives me happiness anymore. I haven't been able to say that for a long time. Things have just lost their power. At least I am not thinking about dying all the time anymore. I am not constantly wondering how I could get away with hurting myself. You know what goes synonymous with contentment? Boredom. A constant feeling of just wanting to lay down and sleep the rest of my life away. The only thing that gives me hope is that little urge I get to go on. To get up, to move, to accomplish something. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Terry told me the other day that I should write my life story. I told her I can't because it is too painful. I want all my writing around me again. I want to work on it, on all of it. I want to shut myself in my room and force myself to do something with it. I miss having everything around me. But there is no space for it. ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________-- This weekend I need to clean my room. I can't find what is in here let alone what might be someplace else. I've gotten to the point where I don't remember what I put in storage and what is in here somewhere. I have to search through it all and organize it. Right now, I need to find something better to do than drivel on in this blog. |
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Stress = not good. Have no advice though. Breathe? I'm coming out of high anxiety and depression. It's been a slow uphill struggle.