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Rated: 18+ · Book · Emotional · #2311223
2024. Going anywhere inside my little world.
Come on the adventures of a little mouse as she writes about her opinions and her life.
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April 13, 2024 at 9:13pm
April 13, 2024 at 9:13pm
The more I think about the way I feel the more I can't explain it. I spent most of today crocheting because Terry didn't want me hiding in my room. I snuck in here a couple of times to write and once to take a nap. I'm in here now to once again face a night where I have to confront the darkness that dwells within.

I know one thing that CMH cannot help me deal with or explain away. My pain. It seems to be getting worse (the rainy weather not helping) especially in my feet and hands. My sinuses have been draining and I taste blood in the back of my throat all the time. I am so hot most of the time......

I don't want to talk about this crap tonight. No one is going to do anything about it.

Everybody still asks: What is going on that has got you so down? I can't tell people what I don't know. I still firmly believe that it is all chemical. My medications are not working........

I guess I just keep going through this robotic existence (going through the motions) until something breaks.......

I still feel shattered........ fractured.......... broken. I've been starting to lose time again which is never a good sign.

I've tied a knot at the end of the rope and I'm trying to hold on until Monday.
April 12, 2024 at 9:41pm
April 12, 2024 at 9:41pm
I gave my sharps to Terry last night. I have been thinking about self harm more and more. I've been wanting to die and thinking of ways to do that.....

I went to crochet group today and talked to Jacob. He brought Cathy in on it. I told them I feel like I'm spiraling into this dark pit of depression. ....
Cathy asked what has got me feeling this way. Damn it, if I knew that I could do something about it. What would make me feel better? Again, Duh. Her advice is to stand up for myself and make Terry and David sit down with me and create a schedule so that I know when I can go out to things like Clubhouse. Again they show that they do not live in this house nor deal with the people I deal with......

My feeling is that it is not environmental. It's chemical. I have been on these same medications for a long time and I believe they do not have the potency they once did. I am scared to death to go through the experimentation of finding the right combination again but I don't know what else to do. I'm tired of being stuck in this grey area. I don't know what they are going to do here if I have to go away for a few days but I need a vacation. I don't want to stop my groups either but that might not be helped.
I want to put a bag together of stuff that I want to take with me. If I take it out of the 3-ring binder they might let me have my novel

I started a blanket in crochet group. I actually got to talk to Jacob and Geri about what I want to accomplish with group. I also couldn't remember how to do a half-double so I got Jacob to help me with that and a couple of other things. Next week I'll show them the different motifs I want to learn to do. Geri has started making a care bear. Can't wait to see how it turns out.

I did a change-up on The Lunch Crew which is now "Invitation to Death. It is set to move forward if I could just apply butt-in-chair and get working on it. I just keep piddling around with reorganizing and rewriting notes. I think I'm going to use my Character Keeper book for it and hunker down on a plot plan and get that written. (as I sit here and look at the bag it is all in and think about how much I rather say screw it and lay in bed)

April 11, 2024 at 3:10pm
April 11, 2024 at 3:10pm
*bangs head on keyboard* hga;nrgrvrnvg

Just don't know what to keep writing.......everything is SSDD

Didn't go to Clubhouse today. Used the rain as an excuse not to go. Terry says it is supposed to rain all next week though so I can't use that as an excuse to just too stay home and do nothing like I did today.

I slept most of the time today. I just didn't want to do anything and didn't care about what I should be doing.

The craft room is still a disaster.
My room is starting to become a mess again.
I keep looking at the pile of notes to TLC I should be working on.
I also look at the pile of books I should be reading and going through.
I have crochet group tomorrow and still don't know what I want to work on.

I am just so depressed. I want to hurt myself. I want to go to the hospital and get my meds changed. I just don't want to hurt the people who care about me. I know that people care but that doesn't change how I feel. I feel like I am swirling down into a pit of darkness.

I should tell someone but I don't want them walking on egg shells around me or asking why. I don't know why. I feel like I am rapid cycling.. but the highs aren't really that high and the lows are getting lower every time.

I've got to find some help.
April 10, 2024 at 8:14pm
April 10, 2024 at 8:14pm
Don't know w hat to say today.....

Got up at 10:00 am figuring I had plenty of time to get ready so I lazed about getting coffee and toast and just waking up.....

Then I went to help Terry.... This turned into an all out production. First she wanted to lotion her body. I told her "no she needed to shower first". So she proceeds to strip and get in the shower. ( So much for me having time to take one. ) While she was in the shower I snatched out some clothes to wear for the day (I had planned on putting more thought into picking clothes). After the shower Terry had to have me help put cream on her rash spots. Then she had to put anti-perspirant in her sweat nooks. Then I had to help her get dressed (which she decided to put on the PJs I bought her instead of her hospital night gowns she had been wearing since she broke her arm). Then she needed help brushing her teeth and fixing her hair. (She is not noticing but I am grabbing my stuff soo I don't have to go looking for hers and when we're done with it I am slam/throwing it back in my room).
by this time it is going on noon. I throw my clothes on and quickly do my hair before settling her in the living room. I grab my glasses, socks, shoes, purse, bag and jacket. Terry comes off with "Oh you're going out today?" I told her six times yesterday.
I take my pain pills and anxiety meds, throw everything on, grab a sandwich and run out the door.

I just barely made my bus. I did remember to grab my glasses and phone but I forgot to charge my phone last night so it died on me while I was out.........

Wire wrapping was fun. We got the stones placed in the wires and I struggled through making the tree.....Keith has been helping everyone a lot but seems to do more for me; probably because I told him about my Parkinson symptoms. My hands were killing me so bad this morning I almost didn't go. I'm glad I did. It did lift my spirits for a little bit.
Oh quick note. There's a member there who's name is mine, same last initial, and we are the same age. I adore her, and Helen is there from Clubhouse (she said to tell them she reached out to me) . We make a nice little group ......

Don't feel like writing anything else. Nothing much else happened today anyhow.

April 9, 2024 at 6:05pm
April 9, 2024 at 6:05pm
Again, David went to Eds so I didn't go to Clubhouse. I may have to change my day to Thursday or give up on going.
I just wanted to go on Tuesdays because that is the day of the big house meeting for the week.

I pointed out the flower bulbs I bought last fall to Bill. He said that most of them probably were not viable any more but they would try planting them anyhow. All I could think of was the fact that I still owe PCH for them. Ah well.

Despite today being a beautiful day weather wise, I still hurt and spent most of the day laying around sleeping.

I did get part of one of my vision boards done. I still have a ways to go on it and have the one for my magick to do.

One of the exercises to do in my book on self care is to write your name in the center of a piece of paper then write words around it that describe you; accepting both positive and negative things. Coming up with the words wasn't t he problem.....
I could only put "K" for the name. If I put my full real name all I could believe and write was negative words.

I've come to a conclusion. I don't know who I am any more. There is no one name that describes all of me.

I have a pen name of Kristin Claire.
I have a witch name of Khola Mousethyme.
I have a dark side who calls herself Kara.
There's a completely depressed side called Kila.
There are male aspects called Kurt and Keith.....
there are more that don't really have names yet or names that have been forgotten.......

I don't know. I feel like in ways I am losing myself. I feel as though I am slipping back in the deep recesses of depression. Sometimes I don't know what keeps me going and not trying to hurt myself. The only reason I can think of is that too many people would care. But should that matter when I don't care?????

Yeah, this entry has taken a strange turn. You have now entered into..... the mouse trail zone.......

April 8, 2024 at 6:23pm
April 8, 2024 at 6:23pm
Eclipse - Went outside to look at it today and all I noticed was it got a little dark and gloomy. I'm never where I can get a descent look at something like this. Ever tried to see a meteor shower within the city limits? Ha. You can barely see stars at all let alone meteors. The closest I ever got to seeing Astrological events was in Astronomy Class in High School. Our school was blessed to have a Planetarium. It was a great thing back in the day before you could look up stuff on YouTube and Google. I still think it was more awesome than anything I've ever experienced.....

Ending Wars - I hate war. I see no sense in it. We were built in to having wars with games like King of the Mountain when we were young. That's all a war comes down to. It's one group (country, government, society, etc.) trying to prove that they are the strongest one in the play yard. It is a childish pursuit. I'm sorry if you don't feel the way I do. I don't subscribe to political propoganda and hot air. I think if we stopped trying to define ourselves as individuals together in separate groups there would be a lot less things to fight about.

And now I will get off my soap box......

prompt: best excuse for being late - the honest one. I think if you were late because you didn't want to go in the first place you should admit it. At least you made it anyhow. That's the thing, you are there. okay, so you are late. You made the effort to be there despite whatever it was that made you late. Good for you.

Laid around watching movies all day today. I just didn't feel good and now I feel even worse because I didn't get anything done. No Sally today; she had to go to a training. Tomorrow I want to go to Clubhouse for the house meeting. I'm not going to leave too very early to get there but I will go for lunch.

Didn't do anything with the vision boards. I just can't seem to make a definite decision on anything. There are ideas, I can see it being done, but there's no decisions on how to get from point A to point B. I'm just afraid I am going to do it and then end up hating it. It also takes me back to "this is my permanent home and this room is going to be all that I am going to have to myself to put things for the rest of my life."

I was thinking today about getting my own small fridgerator for my room. I was playing the "If I got rid of this and moved this there than I could put it there" game. I really need it because it isn't fair to Terry that I am keeping my medicine in her fridge. Besides, I could keep some could munchies and drinks in my room (not that I like them cold but hey why not?)

Oh well. I'm tired and I still have to see if I can accomplish something before I go to sleep.

April 7, 2024 at 8:12pm
April 7, 2024 at 8:12pm
I'm thinking of cutting my hair off as it is always in my mouth and eyes unless I keep it tied up in a pony tail. This is the longest my hair has ever been in my life and I've always wanted long straight hair (I used to have kinky curly hair until I ruined it using relaxers and dyes). IDon't get me wrong, I love my hair being this long and I can't wait for it to get longer. It just frusstrates me sometimes because I used to have all these ideas of what I would do with it if I had long hair but my hair is not long enough to do most of them, yet.

I got a Temu delivery today (On a Sunday!!!) I got three PJ sets (okay so Terry confiscated one) a new journal (though I can't get myself to write in any of the ones I have because I don't want to ruin them) and a diamond painting that I am going to do for David.....(that I am tempted to ready for beginning saying I can't get to my other ones and I've been somewhat bored0.

I went to the Dollar store today and bought poster boards and colored index cards to build a vision board (or two). Now as I am with my journals I am afraid to get started for fear of ruining it. Yes after my recent entry I am still striving for perfection in some sort or other.....

Stuff I want to put on my Vision Board: YMCA Silver Sneakers, Yoga, Tai-chi, scheduled writing times, going to clubhouse, scheduled time for my spirituality, reading for pleasure, writing snail mail..... I know that is a lot but I am sure at least some of it will fit into my schedule which currently has NOTHING on it. Well, not completely nothing. There is Monday mornings with Sally, Wednesday afternoon Wire Wrapping Group, and Friday afternoon Crochet group. Other than that everything like writing, napping, reading my writing and magic books, coloring, and other nondescript busy work is sprinkled in like seasonings....

There is no appointment with Sally tomorrow as she is gone to a training. I'm hoping to go to Clubhouse on Tuesday and make that a regular thing. If I can't find something productive to do there though I am going to find something I can take with me and dedicate that time to.

that's all I can think of for now
April 6, 2024 at 11:42am
April 6, 2024 at 11:42am
Perfection for me is an unachievable state. Thus, imperfection is what I accept from and am content with coming from myself. Things are constantly showing their beauty in their imperfections. I am an imperfect drawer. It does not take away from the joy I get from drawing. I write to the best of my ability. To others it may be imperfect, but to me it is quite satisfactory.

It is early in the day to be blogging but I can list what I hope to do and then later let you know if I accomplished the tasks.

I hope to work on "Invitation to Death today, if to do nothing else than to rewrite the beginning. I may redo my character sketches as well. I also have an idea of one of my main characters running into more of my antagonists. I guess that this project fits in with the imperfection theme of this entry as I have 5 main characters and plan on telling the story from each of their POVs at some point or another........ Should be interesting.

Okay so that is it for now. Working on TLC is a big enough task for one day.......

I got a wonderful postcard of animal prints from Schnujo is Late to Lannister. I really need to get to sending some letters out now that I do have stamps.....

Got my package of yarn from Temu...know the measurements/weight of what you are getting before you purchase. Oh well. The bag I got is nice which saves face for Temu.

Been working on TLC. Scratched a few notes and rewrote part of the Prelude. Now I don't know if I'm even going to use it. We'll decide when the time comes. if it ever does.
April 5, 2024 at 7:48pm
April 5, 2024 at 7:48pm
Well it did snow today. Didin't stick but at times it did look like a white out.
Between that and the fact that my hands hurt and I could barely walk I decided to not go to Crochet Group today.
         Besides I am waiting for new yarn and a yarn bag to come in from Temu.

I didn't do well on my weekly or monthly goals. The goals to post and check in at Dragon Vale have fallen by the wayside.

Still haven't touched "Invitation to Death even though I chose it for CampNaNo this month. IF I rewrite a chapter does that count if I drop the original writing? I really need to rewrite the beginning......

Still nothing from Steve. I've given up and I am going on with my so-called life. If we run into each other, great. If we don't, it wasn't meant to be is all......

Laid around watching movies on the DVD today. The first one was good. Secret Window about a writer that goes crazy......it's a little hard to follow.....I'll have to watch it again...... Then I watched GhostRider but it seemed like a bootleg version. I think I may have just been thinking of other installments. How many are there anyhow?

OH well. Dinner is almost ready....... gotta go.

April 4, 2024 at 5:56pm
April 4, 2024 at 5:56pm
Sometimes it does snow in April where I live. I used to believe it was a good argument against global warming.

We also used to make jokes about we weren't going to color the eggs to hide them in the snow. It didn't snow on Easter this year. I hope that we are done with the snow and the temperatures are going to start to rise. April showers would be alright. I'm hoping that the bulbs and seeds that I bought last year are going to be planted soon. I want to work in the garden and know the difference between the flowers and weeds. Some weeds are quite pretty though.

White or green? That is the question. Which are we going to have this month?

Still nothing from Steve. I'm thinking that is pretty much lost for now. I still think about him several times a day. Of course, I did that before we had run into each other. I keep getting this thought of stalking his apartment complex; that he is going to be upset when we do get back together because he thinks I know where he lives.....I have only a vague idea.

Went to clubhouse today. Was bored out of my mind. A lot of people welcomed me back which was nice. Not as much has changed as they made it out to be. No matter. I am going to try to start going back on Tuesdays for the house meeting. Hopefully that will work out.

Tomorrow is crochet. I'm not going to head out early like I did for Wire Wrapping GRoup on Wednesday. I was semu-bored out of my mind that day as well. I think I'm going to put some coloring in my bag. I need to switch to a bigger bag.

I'm getting all sticky from the sucker I am working on. It's a blowpop. The seems have gotten sharp so I'm starting to scratch up my gums. I keep trying to get the stick out.....

If I think of something I'll write more later......

Merry Meet and Blessed Be
then Merry Meet again!

I am a mouse and a witch.....

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