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Random babblings of a confused miniature writer |
| A blog/journal just to babble/dabble in to try to keep my friends up to date on my pitiful existence. |
| On the 25th, I went to see my oncologist to get some answers. I got answers, but not all of what I wanted. I know definitively that I have cancer. It is a carcinoma that is rare and aggressive. A three inch mass is situated against my cervix and abutting my bladder wall. The last test I went through, a PET scan, on the 20th, showed about the only good news there has been: it hasn't spread. The doctor doesn't want to do surgery if we can help it. It would be an eight hour ordeal and they would have to remove my bladder along with a hysterectomy. The other alternative is chemo and radiation treatment, which when this all started I was dead set against. The only other thing I got asked lately is how do I want to proceed if the quality of my life is not going to be improved for any significant length of time. I said I would rather just be made comfortable live out what I have left. |
| D & T are now saying I should get a lawyer and sue CMH because my tumor didn't start growing until they took me off my vitamins. I have no idea what they're referring to. My room looks like a bomb went off. I can barely move around in here. A is supposed to help me with it tomorrow. I don't know where to begin. Hopefully it won't be more trouble than what it is worth. On the 20th I went for my PET test. It was more annoying than anything else. the whole test took two hours. I had to fast all day so I didn't take any of my meds. My nerves were completely on edge. I won't know any results until the 25th. Hopefully we are going to make some decisions on the next steps. I've got so much on my mind that I am trying to keep in order. They keep saying that they can't do anything about any of my other maladies until they know what my tumor is affecting. It's all crazy. I don't know what to do. I'm just taking one step at a time. That may be a slow way of doing things but what else can I do? |
| Still in pieces. Everything is overly sensitive so every touch hurts. my legs are spasming. Still having trouble walking. Waiting to go have this test to tell me exactly what is going on with me and what we can do about it. At least it won't be too long waiting for the results.... I don't know if I put it in here yet. The biopsy I had done came back positive for cancer. Some kind of cervical carcinoma. I itch constantly and my nerves arre on edge. I don't know what to do. I hate D having control of my meds. I don't know what I'm taking any more or what it is suppose to help. I think the worse thing about all this is I don't know what are my physical symptoms or what is mental or a side effect from mental meds. Things are so confusing. My head feels like it is swirling in a whirlpool. I'm spinning and drowning all at once. I don't want to write because it it seems like I'm writing about the same things. All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to feel. Something has to give somewhere. |
| Update: 3/11 Been hanging out at home. Can barely walk. It's been fun just getting to the bathroom and back. On top of that most of us have a terrible cough and full body aches. Just not good all the way around. Haven't been writing. D got on me yesterday about not journaling and keeping track of my appointments. That was mostly because I told him I was having trouble remembering who I saw when for what, My head is still swimming, more like drowning. I feel like I've been picked apart and just lumped back together. Hopefully things will get better. |
| yesterday, I went to my appointment with the Oncologist Gynecologist. They did a pap smear and took nips of the mass in my vagina. Said it looked suspiciously like cancer of the cervix. They also said that the mass was too big to do a hysterectomy. I don't know. The more they talked the more my head swam. it took five hours from when I left the house to when I came back. I was tired, hungry and definitely thirsty. I got home and all I wanted to do was curl up somewhere and cry. Ive got another test I've got to take, and I go back and see him again in three weeks.Everyone here at the house is telling me to tell those doctors to stick it, and find a doctor that is closer by When they first made this appointment, I tried to tell them I wasn't going all the way down there and they flagged my chart as refusing treatment. My head is swimming and spiinning I don't know what to do. |
| How I work with a prompt A hunter of supernatural beings finds a werewolf pup that is still sentient when in wolf form (which is a rare trait amongst the supernaturals of any species). The hunter raises the wolf and teaches it to hunt supernaturals. The trouble begins when the wolf meets another like itself; a sentient werewolf. Questions: What is the gender of the hunter? What is the gender of the wolf? What are their names? Are there other hunters? Will they meet them? Are the only supernaturals those that transform? Could there be a supernatural being that doesn't transform but is in constant "monster" state that is sentient? (ie a Zombie) is there sentient supernaturals who do/don't like what they are? Are there both good and evil supernaturals? there is usually a longer list of questions that turn into a list of "what ifs". Once I exhaust that line of thinking, I start writing notes and developing the characters, plot, theme, storyline, ect. Then I will try to do my least favorite part: writing an outline to the story. Just thought I would give you a peek into one of my crazy processes. |
| Went to the Urologist today and he wanted me to leave the catheter in. No way in hell and I told him so. I made a deal with him that I would keep him apprised of any further developments with my other physical problem (ie possible cancerous mass in my female organs). I had an argument with one of my roommates yesterday. They all get on my nerves, but I will not be subjected to the belittling word beat down that happened on Sunday. We all have discussed it, and I may be moving out sooner than planned. I just would have to come up with a lot of funds and a lot of resources before I can do it. I am going to see Jacob (case manager) tomorrow and discuss my options. I think I was overly nervous about my appointment today. I couldn't sleep last night, and I couldn't eat today. I got a diamond painting done last night but now I need to find a frame. I'm still going through the murky swimming thoughts and constant tiredness. It turns into pounding pain when I try to write anything substantial. Going out today though told me that I have to move around more. It hurt so bad I almost turned back two and half blocks from the house. The only thing that got me to keep going was that godforsaken catheter. Here's to things looking slightly up now that I don't have to deal with that. |
| It's the end of another Saturday with nothing accomplished. Things could be worse, I suppose. I could be in much more pain than what I am in considering what I am dealing with. I actually feel just stiff and numb most of the time. Except for the jerking of legs and arms and random itches. I'm also getting headaches which are steadily getting worse. I love my life, really, I do. The latest question for the moment is where I should go with my writing. I moved back to working on "Rage of Envy Rewrite Project"  because it was the closest to being done. Now that I have been working on it, it seems to need a complete rewrite. There are so many little SNAFUs in it that need to be fixed. Foreshadowing with no follow up. A minor character that is essential to the plot is barely mentioned at all. Inconsistencies with characters. It just needs me to focus on it and I have none right now.I used to get ideas for things all the time, so much that I started to push them away on the back burner. Too bad that burner was turned up full blast and they are all burnt to a crisp. I don't know. The smell coming from back there is nauseating I can tell you that. So now what? I could care less about any of it. I think about forcing myself to work on something and my head pounds worse. Thought just crossed my mind to kill this blog like I have so many others. It's dark and depressing. Maybe it will give me incentive to turn things around. |
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