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2 Aries butting heads...some much needed perspective |
| This journal represents the person I was, am, try to be -while trying to manage my life in a relationship that is the definition of a roller-coaster ride. |
| Okay I have never been so damn conscious of my lips as I was yesterday. I was aware of how I talked to people, when I looked at someone I mean when I breathed I was worried about my damn lipstick. I think I held my mouth all funny - I couldn't decide whether to keep it slightly open (just to make sure lipstick didn't get on my teeth) but then I thought people might think I'm trying to look sexy or something. So I made it all the way until noon. Then I took it off because I was snacking on popcorn and everytime I put popcorn in my mouth lipstick got on my fingers and the whole food thing - so I took it off. So I knew people noticed the red so I didn't just want to give up so soon, so I put it back on around 1:30 and the end of the day was a lot easier. I wasn't as conscious but I just couldn't relax completely. The red had me on my toes. I was happy to get home yesterday. I'll try again in a different venue. I thing I'll try it in Cali (I'm going home for X-MAS) and I think I might be more comfy wearing it at home. So at home I moved on to the other L Word - the show on Showtime that I got hooked on through On Demand since this past Sunday. I'd heard of it before but was never interested. But with On Demand I've been watching things I otherwise wouldn't because the I love the beauty of stop and pause and watching whenever I feel like. So anyway this is such a lesbian show but what I like about it is the fact that there are very strong women characters. The friendships (aside from the rampant sex) are great and I like the whole female bonding thing. I don't know why on television a lot when feminism is discussed or depicted it tends to be on lesbian type shows but I do like the show. Its interesting. I like women connections in the sense that female friendships are important and I wish the whole stereotype of women being catty with each other and judgemental would end or change because it can definitely be true. BUT - at the end of the day, I need to come home to a man... |
| Yesterday I put on some red lipstick at home and wore it all day at home. I just bought three new shades of red lipstick. Two of them I really love and the other is blasé. Anyway the thing is I've never worn red lipstick out in public but at times I've really wanted to. Suddenly this winter I've been feeling that urge to try it again. Most likely due to all the magazines I susbscribe to saying its in again, coupled with the fact that I've never had the nerve to try it and I'm a bit tired of the gloss thing. So I went and bought some great reds, two of which I thought looked great on - but this is of course at home in the mirror where the lighting in my bathroom is perfect and I always feel like I look great until I get to work and the bathroom lighting is terrible and I feel like I need some sleep eventhough I've gotten plenty. So I walked around my apartment in red lipstick drinking wine ( I felt I needed to play the part to the fullest - actually it was margueritas) and I was very conscious of it on my lips the whole time. I was worried about it, thinking about it, wondering if I needed to re-apply - which is another reason why I worry about red lipstick - the fade factor. It seems it doesn't last. Gosh I don't know! On top of that according to everyone around me I'm lite bright so red lipstick is really going to stand out on me, as if I need the attention BUT I think it would be a great confidence booster. I just awwwww! Okay I know this isn't a big deal to anyone but me but this red lipstick thing is.... Okay the plan is I'm going to attempt red lipstick one day this week and I'll let you know how I handle it. |
| My mom and my sis are in China. I was invited at the last minute and being the last minute plus the fact that I was too lazy to send in something I needed to update my passport which I had a year to do for free and I let pass and now have to pay $60 - I didn't go. Sorry for the run-on sentence. Anywho, why are they in China? Good question. My older sis is one of those people who does really well selling things on E-bay. Now according to them they run into all kind of people with really nice bags and jewelry etc. and whenever they ask these "people" where they got their things from they always say China and for real cheap. So I asked my mom, well is any of it real? She's like, I don't know but it looked real. What? What the! Mom are u serious? She's like, you can buy so many things from there so cheap and then we'll come back and sell it for cheap. They have no idea where they're going to buy stuff, they have no contacts - its sort of a blind mission so they should have some interesting stories when they return - they'll be there for a week. On another note I'm going to another knit boutigque with my friend to look at some more yarn for another project. I'm going to focus more and make a longer scarf. I want some really pretty material. The possibilities are endless. She showed me this book and now I'm ready to make anything. When I get better I'm going to make foot socks - I love those things and I've worn mine to death and now I have a hole in the big toe so I need some more. I was back in the gym yesterday sweating up a storm. I had went the previous day. I'd gone up to my favorite area to run the treadmill which I run for at least 45 minutes. So I start running and its okay. Now I have on some yoga pants that I got from V Secrets in a large - mainly because I'm really tall and I don't like to flood. Plus they're the tight kind with spandex so they shouldn't be too big. Well now they are because when I'm increasing my speed on the treadmill I feel like my pants are sliding down my butt. On top of that I have on a thong which are my favorite type of underwear because I can not stand a panty line and so I always wear thongs at the gym because in most gym clothes your panty line will show. So anyway I'm not trying to have people look at my butt, but the reason I like the area where I run the treadmill is because there's a wall behind it but right next to it is a room where they do spinning and the windows are really tinted so you can't see in to well but they can see you perfectly. So as I'm running I tug up on my pants as if I could care less and its not that bad but I'm feeling just the opposite. They haven't really slid down. So I keep running but I keep having this feeling like my pants are sliding down and I don't want to turn over my shoulder and look at my butt to see how my pants look. So I do a few more uncomfortable tugs trying to act all nonchalant about it. Well while this is going on something is wrong with my machine. It feels like its skipping or something. I have the speed at 6.0 which is pretty fast (at least for me) and yet I don't feel like I'm going that fast. I keep a magazine over my screen so I won't be focused on the time and I just run. So mind you I've been on the machine for only about 15 minutes, I'm conscious of the people in spinning looking at me, I feel like my pants are falling down which I keep tugging on, I'm worried about my thong showing and then I keep looking at my feet like an idiot trying to figure out what is wrong with the machine because I keep almost tripping and trying not to but to everyone else it probably looks like I rarely run the treadmill and I tried to go faster than I should have and am too embarrased to stop. Well I was embarrassed but not about that. So finally I lift up the magazine and I notice on the speed monitor that its jumping. Its going from like 6.0 to 5.0 to 3.7 back to 5.0 which is the reason why I felt it was skipping. So I was happy I wasn't crazy. Then my pants felt weird again - so finally I stopped! To play it off I kept looking at the machine like it was crazy and something was wrong with it (which there was) but I was trying to play it off. I don't think it worked. I'd been running for 20 minutes but not at any consistent speed so I didn't feel like I'd had any work-out at all but I was so embarrassed plus my pants were unnerving me and I like to be at the gym completely comfortable - so I left. I completely made up for it yesterday, but the experience on Wednesday wasn't a good one. |
| Dear Phylicia, Romantic involvement distracts you and can blind you to what's really in front of you. And what is really in front of you? You are. You don't even know yourself et. You think you know and you want to assert that you do, now that you're a certain age, but you don't. What's in front of you is a whole world of experiences beyond your imagination. Put yourself, and your growth and development, first. There are long-term repercussions to what you're doing now. Everything you do, every thought you have, every word you say creates a memory that you will hold in your body. It's imprinted on you and affects you in subtle ways - ways you are not always aware of. With that in mind, be very conscious and selective. With high hopes for you, Phylicia This letter is from a piece done in O Magazine called Letters to My Younger Self. This letter is written by Phylicia Rashad and it really hit me. Hard. I know that I get so caught up in such menial stuff sometimes - including my relationship, and really its not THAT serious. I know that if I focused as much attention as I focus on me and Dave, on my career and writing and so many other things - my life would be that much more fulfilling. I tacked this letter next to my desk. I'm having a new outlook on life and if that doesn't include Dave then so be it. I think too many women -myself included, obviously - let relationships get in the way of their lives and later look back and have regrets. Even Phylicia, who is very successful realizes this. Because despite success, "... there are long-term repercussions to what you're doing now" Because though you can still acheive so much, its easy to hold yourself back for other people. I've thought about my "older" self and how I would look back at my "younger" self and what I would say. I don't know, but I know at this point I don't think I'd be too happy with myself. I take her letter as some much needed advice and from this point on I have a renewed outlook on the direction I want to take in my life. |
| I wonder if I should stop bringing leftovers for lunch at work. I do this because I like to save money instead of buying lunch which adds up plus its healthier. Or at least can be. But I'll bring leftovers from dinner and I end up feeling all sleepy after I eat. Like today, I brought in the rest of my turkey leg, rice and peas. Now it was good, but I'm basically eating dinner for lunch. Luckily I go to the gym after work, but not today because I was too lazy to get my bag ready this morning - go figure. I know I looked crazy with a big turkey leg - LOL but what can I say. I finished my scarf and well its obvious that it was the first one I ever did. Plus its not as long as I'd like but my friend told me how I can extend it. I think I'll just start again with another color yarn and keep practicing, hopefully making fewer mistakes. It looks quite good for someone who's been knitting since last Thursday. My friend was shocked I was already finished, but it was so addictive I couldn't stop. Anywho I was making a quick stop, gotta get back to work! |
| My friend invited me to a knitting party which I must confess seemed so far from interesting. I mean I love arts and crafts but knitting just seems like something your grandmother would do. But she's gotten all into it and so I feel like God is providing a lot of avenues for me to distract my attention so I went. Plus there was great food and I was bringing wine which I was ready to open the moment I set foot inside. So we finally get to knitting about two hours into the party. Earlier that day I'd gone with my friend to a knitting boutique store and she helped me get some yarn and needles. There I realized there was Vogue Knitting. I had no idea. My friend scoffed at my ignorance. I laughed. So anyway I picked some soft but not as soft as some of these really beautiful yarns - but I'm a beginner at this point - gray yarn and she helped me pick some needles. So anyway she begins to show me. It took me about 10 minutes to understand how to start the process but slowly but surely I got into it. I must say something about it is addictive. Seriously! I was already imaginging other projects and mind you I'm a newbie. I've been knitting for maybe 5 hours now. This morning I brought my materials on the train and I was knitting away and I felt people looking at me most likely shocked that someone like me was knitting. I don't really look the part, but I enjoyed the questioning looks. That would be me. Noticing some chick that I wouldn't think would knit and I would probably sneak glances at her wondering how the hell she got into that. Well now that's me. I'm at work, waiting to get back on the train home so I can start knitting again. It's hilarious. We'll see how long it lasts though. I have a tendency to go through phases with different hobbies. I found out one of my best friends in Cali is pregnant. So she told me I need to get to work on a baby blanket. We'll see... |
| Not the best day, but I got some great writing done yesterday so I'm really proud of myself. I have a huge headache that I can't seem to shake. I woke up feeling unsure about the day and prepared myself to go to church. Then trouble entered in the form of me and Dave and suddenly I couldn't cope with going to church. I like this church. The pastor gives great messages and I feel comfortable there yet at the same time I feel disconnected. I don't know anyone there and I usually go and leave right after. Feeling the way I was feeling I didn't want to also deal with feeling like a stranger. I know that was probably the place I should have been but I couldn't go. So I packed my bag to go to the gym -the gym! On Sunday! Very out of character for me. I drove all the way down there and then I turned as if I was looking for parking and drove straight back home. My upstairs neighbor has been blasting music since 6:00 p.m. and its now 8:00. This is a first. It's one of those days. No writing today - but I did learn that classical music helps me write. Maybe it'll calm me down too - let me find out. |
| And I am awake and feeling much better - I must say. Its a beautiful day. Clear, crisp, bright. The sun is shining and I'm in love with fall. I can't stop looking around at the trees. Fall is a highlight time of the year for me on the east coast. Days like today, where its chilly but a sweater and coat will do. Not too much layering. I just can't stop staring at the trees. The colors are amazing and its hard to turn away. I love it. This type of beauty makes me smile, inwardly and outwardly. I feel good, even though I woke up at 7:00 this morning. But it was actually refreshing. I ran errands this morning and went to the gym where I just about killed myself but felt totally refreshed afterwards. I rushed to shower and change and put on some make-up in 30 minutes because I had to make it to my meter and avoid a ticket. I did it with two minutes to spare. I dropped off two comforters at the dry cleaners downtown not far from the gym because they're advertised price seemed quite reasonable for comforters. Of course my comforters fell within a different category than that of the advertised price and so I wondered if it would have been easier to have dropped them off this morning at the dry cleaners down the street from my place when I dropped off my other clothes. Oh well, at least this will be the incentive I need to get up next week and go the gym and take advantage of the day once again. I left the cleaners grapped a chai latte from Starbucks, which was a treat since I rarely get them anymore. When I went through my bank statements and saw how much I was spending on them and could save (money and calories) by letting them go. But today I'm treating myself. I feel good and I'm by myself and its okay. I decide to go home and do some writing. I was inspired by everyone in Starbucks. I kept sneaking glances at the people sitting down on their computers typing with such purpose and gusto. I looked at all the laptops and instantly wanted one. As I crossed the street to my car I thought, I'm one of those people who wants gadgets in order to get some work done. As if, if I'd had a laptop - that I do intend on buying - the words would be flying off the page. I laugh, thats pretty funny. So, no I'll go home inspired by the myriad typists in Starbucks and finish this article I started. I'll make breakfast and save money and calories from buying it on the street. So I do. I make breakfast and then Shopgirl captures my attention. I look at the work I took out and figured it could wait. Its 2:00 and the movie started at 1:50 but that's okay. I like it. It's intriguing and fresh and Claire Danes is so pretty. She has such a fresh face look. So open and endearing that I can't help thinking she's beautiful. Steve Martin is good as well, though I can' t help but think I don't like his voice as the narrator. At the end of the movie, the classical music playing was so pretty and inspiring and thoughts were floating in my head that I decided to turn to the classical channel and listen to classical music while I wrote. And so I did and here I am. I figured I'd come here first and get the creative juices flowing - and they are. I'm thinking about treating myself to a movie if I write for a few hours and stay absolutely focused. I want to see Running with Scissors - I do love Annette Bening. But I haven't decided. I might save money and just stay in and watch On Demand. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I have work to do and so I must go and write! |
| Its times like this week where I wish I had a best girlfriend. I remember the feeling and yet it almost feels foreign to me. Its been a while since I've had that type of friend. I feel as if everything I write is repetitive. And if I had that friend it would be her that I would repeat this stuff too. Constantly, until she told me to give her a break and I would laugh and a couple of hours later want to dissect the situation all over again. I mean it makes me want to cry and my eyes are all watery at work right now. I need that outlet - miss it and it makes me feel inadequate. Like some type of loser who has no real close friends. And clearly I'm not a loser but many times its not so clear. So Dave and I had an argument this morning. I know its not surprising, but on some level in my head it is. I'd almost convinced myself that I don't really care about this relationship and to distance myself from the whole thing. Not an easy goal when you live with the person but not entirely impossible. I think. God, this whole this is such a waste of time. My time. His time. Just fucking time. I mean five years. I'm 26. At this point we're supposed to be talking marriage and children and all that crap. That's a laugh, if only it was funny. I mean what the hell am I doing. I writing this blog at work trying not to cry and feeling downright pathetic. And it is so pathetic. I remember when I used to watch LifeTime and say "Why doesn't she just leave him? She can find someone else." and I think about that person I was. Fearless. Strong. Determined. Dave said I'm leaving. Oh really. So I'm asking him to tell me when. Give me a fucking date so I know for sure and I can hold on to that. Why? Because I won't. I can't open my own mouth and say be out by whenever. And of course he doesn't say. He says when he feels like it. Oh, when you've saved enough to get your own apartment. Yeah, he says. But if you want me out tomorrow let me know and I'll go. Why can't I say okay. Or fine, by next week or in two weeks. Because I have fear and no strength. But of course this will blow over. And it'll be like nothing ever happened and we'll go back to this mess of a relationship. And all this will hide under the carpet until next month when one of us trips and we're reminded that nothing has been solved. I'm having a bad day. I know the way out but I won't take it. I avoid it. I know the way out I know the way out I know the way out. I'm not as dumb as I sound. Or maybe I am. I hope to look back at this and be in a better place and be filled with relief that I made a choice and it was to be free. Free to be me. Because everytime I look in the mirror I see someone different. |
| I'm writing something about balding men and I need some comments from actual balding men. I've apprehensively approached a couple of people asking them to fill out my questionaire. I think its an interesting subject. I always question it when I see men who seem to be "holding" on to that last piece of hair for whatever reason. Is it really that serious. I wonder if I should send this to my dad - that would be really uncomfortable. I wish I could though I'd love to hear what he would say. So I'm working on a story and I had a few questions: How old were you when you first started losing your hair? Did it bother you? How so? Have you done anything to try and stop the loss or regrow your hair? What, if any products have you used? How have they worked? Has your hair loss affected your self-esteem? Has your hair loss affected your interaction with women negatively? If so, please explain. Have you ever considered shaving your head completely? Is that a future option? Do you view genetic hair loss as a disease and something that needs to be medically treated? Do you think society has a negative view of balding men? Has balding affected your personality in any way? Do you think some men "hold" on to their hair to long and should just shave it? Do you have any friends in a similar situation? If so, do you guys talk about this issue? Is there anything further you'd like to add? I wonder if I should add, Do you think of Donald Trump as an inspiration? |
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