Erotica Harem

Item reviewed: The Fireworks in Her Eyes by Giselle


Line by line

>> For the Fourth of July Titus held a big barbeque poolside in the complex he owned in Venice Beach, California. <<

This is a factual statement, which reminds the reader that this is just a story.
If you SHOWED us something through the senses of the POV character, it would draw the reader down into the world of the story.
I looked ahead and saw that Titus appears to be the POV character.
So you could show us what he sees: the pool, flags everywhere, the barbeque equipment, the guests.
In the next few sentences you tell us about the guests. I would like to SEE them, especially the women in bikinis.


>> Busy flipping burgers, Titus missed the elderly man who slunk through the front gate. <<

This is a subtle but serious POV violation. If he missed the man, the reader must not be told this. We can know only what is in his head.
This can only be the voice of the omniscient author, which is a no-no if you want to be in third-person-limited, which is the norm today.


>> who looked small next to six foot four Titus. <<

Telling us his height is also omniscient.


>> Pepe sat between his feet, eating puppy chow out of a bowl. <<

This seemed abrupt. Where did the chow come from?


>> As darkness set in, the general consensus was to continue the party at the beach <<

Instead of using the author to TELL us this fact, I would like to hear the conversation.


>> “Baby, let's have some quiet time together.”
“Tonight? I don't want to miss all the action.”
“Your action is where I am!” <<

He is an arrogant bastard! I dislike him now.


>> Oh, how he enjoyed seeing her facial expression change from aroused to fearful. <<

That's not very nice of him!


>> Titus, in camouflage pants and white cotton t-shirt, kept an arm possessively around her all night until they left the beach when the sun started coloring the sky over Los Angeles in a pink glow. <<

This wasn't a real ending. The story just stopped in the middle.
As a short story, this is not effective. A stand-alone short story needs a definite conclusion.
Even if this is the first chapter in a book, the reader needs some kind of hook to want to read on.



Setting

The party at the beginning must be filled with sights, but I didn't see any of them.
I didn't see the pool or the guests or any decorations he had for the party.



Characters and POV

I'm not sure whether you've given me the feeling toward Titus that you want to give.
I find him arrogant and unrespectful of Jessica's feelings. In short, I don't like him at all. First he blew off her wish to go to the beach party, and then he made her fearful during sex. He's not a nice guy.
Is this what you want?



Referencing

No problems



Plot

Um, I'm not sure what the plot was. We opened with an intriguing old man and his puppy, which made for an initial hook. But then they disappeared. Will they be back? I expected the old man to play a major role.



Style/Voice

This was very much written in the voice of the omniscient author. I almost never felt as if I was inside Titus' head.
It was also condensed. I never got to look around or take in my surroundings. I didn't get a good look at anyone, not even Jessica when they were having sex.
I know she's shorter than him and she has big breasts. Other than those two things, I have no body image at all. I don't even know how old these characters are.

This work was largely presented as a list of facts, not prose.
If I were writing this, it would be two or three times as long. I would experience my environment. I would see, hear, and smell things.


Grammar

Good



My Favorite Part

I loved the puppy.



SUMMARY:

My suggestion is that you revise this to eliminate the omniscient voice of the author.
This is erotica. It needs to be presented through the senses of the POV character. Reciting the events as a series of facts keeps the reader at a distance, which is not good for erotica.
Also, the old man with the puppy was a great touch, but I missed them when they disappeared. I wish you could work them into the story a little more. You have a lot of potential with them as foil characters.

Tim, AKA Sandy Samson

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