Red Opium.

I know I don’t post on here very much, but I don’t really know where else to go. I haven’t cut in over a year, which is the longest I’ve gone . . . ever, since I started cutting. Lately though, things haven’t been going so well. I’m in the second quarter of college and I had to withdraw from one of my three classes just cause I knew I was gonna fail. I did it just in time so I wont get an F so it wont mess up my GPA, but now it looks like I may fail one of my remaining two classes, if not both of them, which is more than mildly distressing to me.

I’ve been really sick the last week or so, and I think that’s adding to all this, plus the miserable weather. We just had a snow storm, I lost electricity, the phone, and running water for three days.

I feel like there’s something else though. I keep getting these really weird feelings. Like right now, its 3:45 in the morning where I’m at, I have to leave for classes around 7:30 am, and I’m not in bed. I’m not up for any good reasons, I’m just sitting here on the computer literally looking for things to do. I didn’t get any sleep last night either. And I’m taking all my meds, my anti depressant Lamictal and the Strattera. That one is new, a few weeks ago I got diagnosed with not only severe clinical depression but also ADD and an anxiety disorder. The ADD is the new part, that’s what the Strattera is for.

Anyways. I’ll be fine for a while, but then suddenly I’ll get these weird impulses lately. Like about half an hour ago I really wanted to just lay my hands or arms on the fireplace, which has a very hot fire going in it. I just wanted to hurt myself. This keeps happening, and I’ve managed to hold it off just cause I don’t wanna relapse, a year without hurting myself is a long time and I don’t wanna have to start over . . .

I just feel like I’m kind of going crazy. I feel weird, like I’m sort of detached, and just watching myself from a distance. I’m not doing anything, I just sit around and space out almost all the time, or think about the most depressing things possible.

And I feel like I have nobody I can talk to about this, which is why I’m here.

Anyways. Sorry for being so discouraging, I hope everyone is doing better than this.

Take care,

-Sarah aka Fitzwah

PS: Sorry for this being so long. I tried to keep it short, but I always end up rambling.