House of Reviews

Finally getting a chance to look at this--in my review of your previous entry (1 and 6), I mentioned that I think it would be best to stay with the third-person POV. Please see that review for my reasons. I do really like the third-person narrative voice in this, and I like it best when it closely follows the patterns of Bebe's reactions to incoming stimuli.

In this particular section, Sarah and the others are not yet clearly drawn. I think what's going on here is that there are too many things being introduced at once, and nothing is in clear focus. Gary, Diane, Phyllis, Consuela, Lily, Sarah, Mitchell--whew! Too much going on, too many new people! (at least, I'm pretty sure I haven't read about them before in the sections I've seen) Also, maybe a little too much detail spent on Lily's clothes and other stuff--that might be Bebe being obsessive again, but right now it's a bit distracting to read because the characters are not yet solid.

Let us first meet Lily, Sarah and Mitchell and get to know them. It's fine for us to meet Lily first, but Sarah is, after all, Bebe's sister, and we need a solid feel for their relationship and history. As for Gary--I don't think I'd caught that she'd been married--just mention that Mitch introduced them and she bears a grudge for that. Let the reader wonder, and tell about him later.