Red Opium.

I have BPD, and I am on a happy pill, mood stablizer, and night med that puts your mind to sleep. I have an Overactive Thyroid with an Auto-immune disease Graves Disease. I was diagonised with the BPD 2.5 years ago with Post traumatic Disorder too. I was diagnosised with the the Thyroid and Graves back in 2001. I ihave had the graves since I was 13. WIth the combination of all of this, I have attempted to hurt myself so much that I have been clean for 3 years and 23 days from clonazopens, and sober for 3 years and almost 60 days.

So far for self injury in all the years, I have tired to get hooked on pot and alcohol. overdose on painkillers by the age of 14 by making myself have dry root from my wisdon teeth pulled. I have pulled my hair out, take a butcher knife to my arm to slice down the vein, realized how much blood was going to come out...NOt cool on the blood...

By 15, was hooked on Pld sudafed and drinking whatever liqour was at home...all hard liqour of course. By 17, I was pushed into sex, and then from there everytime I was mad or get pissed off I used my boy friend at the time and we were having sex all tihe time whether were dating or just friends...So this became an addiction. From here learned to binged drink all the time up until I left for college...then I was the good girl trht was home sick. and calling home all the time...

Second yeaar of college classes all week and party and working all weekend...Pot and smoking, coming to work drunk still from the night before,,,Had a friend that was hard core into drugs and we went to one of the crack houses here where I lived! I promised myself I would never get into that hard of drugs...Never did until the scripts came a long years later.

Was sober pretty nuch the next three year cause I was pregnent two of the 3 years, After each pregnancy I did binge until I found out that I was prego again...

During this time I have had already survive 3 thyroid storms that I did not know about since I had not been diagnoses yet. I was having panic attacks, constantly pulling my hair, scratching my hair, and anything that had nothing to do with blood on myself...

I have had 2nd and 3rd degree burns from gel wax and high temp paraffin wax that was having to peel off my skin and made my wrists very sensitive. My arms had gone numb when this happening. I have had a knife miss my nerve of my left thumb
and hit part of it to cause pain all the way until my the middle of my back a few years ago.

I scratch myself when I sleep, and wake up with a cut or blood....I starve myself to make sure my kids have food or take supplements to make up for the food...when I Do eat, it is all jubk cause it is cheaper for me...Or if I have extra, I do also make sure that my bestfriends family has food too. Then I Decide on myself for helping.

I also let ,myself go being engrossed with getting everything else done and making sure my kids are taking care of. When I am in a relationship it is all about phsycal more than emotional because I need to be able to self harm with sex too.

This due to getting spanked 10-15 times a day up until I was 13 years old from my step dad who was a mechanic with caluses. SO when I have sex I act like I am some how getting my step dad back for hurting me...Now relationships are all about sex now...apparently that is all i can get for one is and then their done they let me go...

Now recently I have been using hand grips to help out with my self harm since I promised my kids I would not hurt myself any more by hitting everything I can...except I do not think that you are supposed to be able to cross the andles either, and take the cushion off to make sure you feel the pain.

I have done like I said I would, and have not hit anything at all to hurt myself...go figure I Do not have fighters hands...My feet and ankles are doing alot better too...

Sorry this is so long, and if it does not make since. I wanted to make sure that it was all put in here. Today in group, I figured out that I do not want to have to deal with anyrthing!!! I have been crying since I have been back....

Love always to all,
Veronica R. Adams