Writer's Fallout Shelter

Between the time that I checked my email, went onto writing.com, and checked again, I got another "we're not interested in looking at your manuscript" form letter. What is wrong with my blasted Query Letter? I have a friend who is a published author who helped me with this one. I've changed it twice since with no luck with any of the versions. This is the version that she and I worked on together. She just got a new agent and promised to eventually show him my novel as she says she absolutely loves it, but it's so hard to capture the essence of of a literary work in a query letter. I think genre specific works might be easier (but I don't know as I've never written a query for one).

If anyone can help me with this letter (preferably someone who's queried successfully, but any advice is welcome) I'd be VERY grateful.

My letter reads as follows:

To [Agent's Name],

My name is Christopher Kohls and I call this novel An Account of the Life of Thomas Stuart. I believe it is particularly suited to you as a literary agent. I would like you to take the opportunity to review my manuscript and consider representing me, this work. I am currently writing a second novel, completely unrelated to this one which I would hope to sell through your service as well.

The story I submit to you here is the struggle of one man to make his fortune through the dangerous game of espionage while leaving some time for his fiancé who knows nothing of his “employment.” We see Thomas adeptly maneuver from his personal life to his career and we focus on a vast spectrum of American society and of the world of espionage.

At the time of the novel, all is well in the United States. We have our political debates and not everyone is happy, but we are in a time of relative contentment, and news tends to focus as much on the preverbal “cat stuck in the tree” as it does international crises.

There is some tension, however, in Europe concerning the massive influx of Muslim immigrants. One man, power hungry and twisted, sees this fissure and uses it to secretly rile the population of that continent into an organized rage. The man’s name is Samael.

“He was like a great bird of prey, or perhaps like a mammalian predator, or even a lizard. Whatever the case, he was classically beautiful, and terrifying to meet. He often referred to himself as “the Venom of God,” and so it was known throughout the Kafres organization, and the title struck fear into just about all [the men].”

After years of peaceful protests, and watching as nothing seems to be going their way, Samael finally decides that it is time to strike. He poses a plan to the organization he has developed,

“He let them talk a lot longer this time. He acted as though he was called away and tending to a matter, but in truth, he was allowing the fantasy to swim in their minds [....] First they would condemn the idea aloud while selfishly desiring it privately, and then someone would say something to justify it, something that would click with the man next to him, and the man next to that man [...] and so they would be in unison in their delusion, in their justification of the evil they were about to permit.”

I have written here a projected history of the future using one character as our guide. I pose some philosophical, psychological, and political questions that I don’t necessarily answer. I draw the reader toward consideration by taking ideas to extremes and giving characters absolute and well-considered points of view. My manuscript is 120,000 words.

I believe that, if properly marketed, this book will be well received by a wide audience, those wanting the thrill of an adventure epic and those who want to contemplate more profound questions.

I thank you very much for taking the time to read this letter and I look forward to sending you my manuscript upon your request.


Sincerely,
Christopher Patrick Kohls