First, I have never had a query letter accepted so take my advise with a grain of salt. I've been told and read that a query should be similar to the blurb on the back of a book...or at least summing up of the storyline should be.
Consider using first person only when you have to. That means no "I believe" or "I think."
Instead of "I call this novel..." begin with the title and use present tense to describe it.
Reconsider starting with your name. That is going to be your signature at the bottom or on your letterhead.
Also, you switch to "we" without referencing who "we" is.
Run a search on "query letter" and look at good and bad examples.
As I said, I've never written a successful one so I''m just telling you what I have learned through books and online.
Good Luck!!
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