Erotica Harem

Title of Book: Selkie Tears

Chapter #: Chapter 4

Author: Dragon (Cassi)


My comments are meant in the spirit of helping us all become better as artists; never meant to discourage or demean anyone. Use what you like and toss the rest!) !!

Plot: Sean and Aran drive to the pub to meet Collette and her lawyer, Chandler Pierce to sign some papers. Collette is immediately in Aran’s face, accusing her of trying to steal her husband away; Sean asks Aran’s to wait in the truck while discussing the papers with his wife. Collette wants a divorce; Sean is more than willing, but wants his lawyers to look over the paperwork; Collette wants half of everything and to sell Aran’s estate. Sean is pissed; Meanwhile Aran has decided to walk home from the pub, knowing Sean can pick her up on his way. She’s confronted by a stranger, a man that seems to have “control” of her. He advises Aran that she is not of the land, but of the sea. At that moment, Sean’s truck nears and the man disappears. Sean’s pissed since Aran’s freaked him out. As they leave, Aran glances back to where the mysterious man had been.

Style & Voice Style and voice are well established by now; the reader knows Aran is fragile, suffering depression, suicidal, etc – we don’t yet know why and want to know – great hook to keep us reading.

Referencing Scene inside a pub; great descriptions/scenes, etc. Good job!

Scene/Setting: Inside a pub; great description – easily see the place; Aran walking through town – hard to see, perhaps give a little description about the scene, narrow road, historic town, the architecture, etc to put us in the scene.

Characters: Sean, Aran, Collette, lawyer and mysterious man. Description of Collette (bitch!) is great; not quite sure what the mysterious man looks like, but we get a sense of him through other descriptions, such as his husky voice. Great characters!

Grammar: I’m marked suggestions as I would write/edit. Very little to point out here.

Just My Personal Opinion: I only read the bar scene before and not the meeting of the mysterious man (at least, I can’t remember); I love the meeting of the mysterious man by Aran. The cat-fight scene in the bar between the two women is excellent! My only suggestion would be to describe the town a little as Aran is walking back home to put the reader in the scene better; excellent chapter, though and I can’t wait for you to add more!


The sun slid below the horizon when Sean and Aran arrived for his meeting. He’d debated on whether to leave her alone, but decided it wasn’t a good idea. She had sat in silence the whole (entire?) ride there, staring out the window.

The pub was hot, loud and smoky. Collette and Chandler Pierce, a lawyer they sometimes used for business contracts, sat at a table in the back. Sean led Aran toward them. His wife’s eyes narrowed as they approached the table.

This was really a bad idea, he thought, but it’s too late to do anything about it now. The buzzing of voices, the clinking of glasses and the underlying music made it hard for him to concentrate. He couldn’t imagine what the noise must be doing to Aran’s delicate balance. (excellent descriptions/visual)

“Why’d you bring her? You couldn’t come alone?” Collette sneered and stood to walk around the table so that she came face to face with them. Fixing Aran with an icy glare, she spoke. “I’m tired of your dark, little games. Maybe Sean believes them, but I don’t. You’re just trying to take him away from me.”

Sean watched as Aran’s face contorted with emotions he couldn’t read (discern?). A disbelieving laugh escaped her lips and she said, “Me? Take him away from you? You took him from me.”

“No, no, no. You lost him when you slit your wrists.” Collette took a step closer to her. “You’re crazy and lost and you don’t deserve him.”

Sean watched Aran’s facial features turn (shift?) from hurt to hatred. He grabbed her just as she launched herself at Colette.

The patrons in the pub turned to watch the exchange, some laughed and others murmured to each other. Aran fought against his grasp. “Stop now. I’ll take care of her (the bitch?).” He whispered in a soothing tone. She relaxed and spun to face him, burying her face against his chest.

“I told you, Sean, she’s a danger not only to herself, but to others. You need to have her committed.” Collette smoothed her perfectly coifed blonde hair.

“I told you I wouldna do that. Now, let’s get this business, whatever it is, over with.”

“Not with her here, I won’t.” Her (Collette’s) face took on the pinched like look she always got when she’d decided she wouldn’t not to back down.

He pried his coat from Aran’s grasp. She was stronger than that (she’d displayed?) and he knew it, but something about a large group of people seemed to drain away all her strength. He gazed down at her, the dark emotions still evident in her stormy eyes. “Why don’t you go outside and wait for me. I won’t be long.” She backed away from him and turned to rush out the door.

“That wild little thing is your ex?” Pierce stared after Aran. Sean knew what the man was thinking. Collette was svelte, blonde and sophisticated, where Aran was athletic, dark haired and free (carefree?). Collette was outgoing, where Aran was a lost soul, hiding within herself. The jerk was wondering what he (Sean) saw in her. That was the problem. Others didn’t understand Aran. She was more his type than the tall blonde woman ever was.

“So, what is this all about?” he asked.

“I want you to sign these papers.” Collette’s eyes darted to Chandler.

Sudden understanding shot through him, but he asked anyway. “What are they?”

“I’m asking for a divorce.”

“Really? All that fuss over Aran. Askin’ me on the phone if I was fuckin’ her? I suppose you and pretty boy here haven’t been playin’ around while I’ve been gone?”

“We’re just not compatible, Sean.”

“Damn right we’re not. We never have been. You’re the biggest damn mistake I ever made in my life.”

“I’d like this to be amicable, but if need be…”

“Do na threaten me, Collette. I’ll not stand for it.” He glared at her. “So, comma what exactly do ya want out of this?”

“I want half of everything. We can sell the little farmstead here and…

“Now wait just a damn minute. The farmstead is Aran’s and hers alone. Not to mention, Sweetheart, it’s paid for. I made arrangements for her trust to pay us back. If you didn’t have your pretty, empty head up your arse, you might have noticed.”

“How can a depressed, suicidal woman have made enough to pay you back?”

“Jesus Christ, Collette. Are ya so daft you don’t see?” He snatched the papers up off the table, folded them and tucked them into his jacket. “I’ll have my own lawyer look these over.” He glared at Chandler. “I hope ya can keep her happy, I sure as hell can’t.” With that, he turned on his heel and left them standing there gaping after him.
****



Aran slipped out of the loud, smoky pub and into the cool night. She leaned against the wall, breathing in the fresh, sweet air. Jamming her hands in the pocket of the too large sweatshirt, she walked along in the dark. Sean could pick her up on the way home.

The moon had yet to rise. She made her way out of the village. A gentle breeze ruffled her hair as she continued her trek along the road toward home. In the soft dark, she thought she heard footsteps. She stopped, to listen to the night noises. Most were as familiar as her own breath. She continued. A dog barked in the distance.

“Nice night for a walk.” A deep, masculine voice made her jump and whirl around.

She came face to face with a man whose warmth radiated off him like the dying embers of a fire. Startled she stumbled back, but something about him kept her from turning and running. (excellent description/visual)

“I know who you are, Aran Declan.” The husky tone in his voice drew her to him. She felt the night slipping away into a dreamland. “I’ve watched ya for a long time. I know why ya feel so lost.”

The lulling lilt of his soothing voice made her feel as though she was (were) floating. “Who are you?” she whispered, finally finding her voice.

He pressed close and leaned down to whisper into her ear. “That isna your concern. The important thing is, comma who are you?”

She took a step back. She hadn’t realized how close she was to him (the stranger?). “What do you mean?”

“You are not of the land, Aran. You were born of the sea.” The sound of an engine coming closer made them both turn and look. Twin beams of headlights could be seen coming up the road.

“I don’t understand.” Aran turned back to find the man gone, his spell broken.

The vehicle approached and she realized it was Sean. He skidded to halt and jumped out of the truck. “What are ya doin’? I expected to find you waitin’ just outside. You scared the life outa me!”

“I’m sorry.” She felt tears well in her eyes, and she cowered from him. The last thing she wanted was for him to be mad at her.

“No. Damn it. I’m sorry.” He stepped toward her and pulled her into a gentle embrace. “I shouldna’ take my anger out on you. Come on. Let’s go home.” He released her and they walked back to the truck. Aran glanced around one last time, looking for any sign of the mysterious man.


Jon Michaelsen
http://www.jonmichaelsen.net
http://www.myspace.com/jmichaelsen
michaelsen@gmail.com

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