Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

So, I actually have a great man in my life. I was in a bad situation and he changed his plans around for me. He makes over a 100k a year and was going to live on his bosses property in a RV so that he could quickly buy his own property and build a home on it. Though that plan left me where I was at, which was really bad for me for various reasons. So, instead he got an expensive appartment in Austin for him, my minor daughter, and me.

Here is the thing, I have never told him I love him. Every time I think of saying those words I can't breath. Then I have nightmares where he does things my abusive ex did. In one nightmare i actually slit my own vocal cords. It is like psychologically I have equated everything changing once those words are spoken.

Well, I did write it in a tree in one of my paintings, and I saw him light up when he noticed it. Then when I never said the words, the dissapointment in his eyes was obvious. I know that it is hurtful to him not telling him and things with he and I will hit a barrier if I don't share verbally how I feel about him.

In my last relationship, which was another good man, he said those words 8 months into the relationship. I didn't express it back until over two years into the relationship via a poem, not verbally. By that time it was too late. It was my fault that his emotions faded and he drifted away, finally ending things. I don't want this history to repeat with the current man in my life.

The difference with this one is that I have been honest. I told him about this issue with vocalizing several months ago and about some of my nightmares. He was understanding and has been very patient. Though, one can be patient for so long before they give up.

Anyone else have an issue like this? How did you concor it?





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