Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

It's a long one, sorry. I tend to ramble on and on...

Hiya everyone! I’m Kit.

I was born and raised in The Netherlands, but I have lived in the UK for quite a few years now. I’m a student, currently in my first year of my MA in Philosophy.

In some ways, I have always known that there was something going on with me. You can sense it, can’t you? You don’t really fit in. You question why others appear to experience the world differently than you do. In high school, for example, my friends were all into boys and fashion and make-up and all those things that seem to happen to teenage girls... and I didn’t get any of it. Not really. Eventually I did get into guys, but I still have zero fashion sense, have no interest in shoes or handbags or make-up and my hair is usually a mess that curls in all the wrong directions. I still have plush toys (lots of them), I like cute stuff and I am regularly told that I seem so innocent and childlike. That also means that I often get patronised.

It’s only a few years ago that I was diagnosed with Autism. Now, I know that Autism isn’t a mental illness. It’s a neurological disorder. I have too many connections between some parts of my brain and too few between others.

It’s recently been discovered that my mental development is slower than it normally would be. So yeah, parts of me are still childlike. For now, it’s put down as being due to brain damage that I have experienced.

During my Autism assessment, it was discovered that I have Chromesthesia. It’s a type of Synesthesia – I see colours when I hear sounds. That was a revelation – as I have grown up with it I never actually realised that most other people don’t experience sound that way.

And I have Dyspraxia, which is a developmental disorder that means that my motor coordination skills suck.

It’s not uncommon for people with Autism to also suffer from mental health problems. Problem is, I have no idea which of my symptoms are because I have Autism or because I have mental health problems. I’ve been diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, OCD and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. Some years back I had a big breakdown after a series of bad things that had happened to me, and I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In the past I had an eating disorder called Purging Disorder, which pretty much does what it says on the tin. I was fortunate that one day I truly realised what I was doing, and from there, slowly but surely, I was able to stop. I had the eating disorder for years and it took me years to properly control it, but I am grateful that I could. I don’t think you ever truly get over it, though. Last year I gained some weight and it was scary to try to lose it – it’s very easy to slip back into the ED state of mind.

I went through a spell of Agoraphobia, but thankfully I was able to (mostly) overcome that as well. I still don’t like movie theatres, concert venues... basically anywhere where it’s crowded and I can’t readily escape. Including public transport.

Summing all of that up... it’s not a pretty picture, is it? In general, these days, my day-to-day life is okay. I live in a rainy valley village where I am surrounded by nature. I prefer it to life in the big city. I’ve got my studies. My writing. I’m involved in setting up a community charity focussed on improving the land, the woods and the wildlife in this area, as well as the local revival of some traditional crafts such as dry stone walling. I’ve got friends. I’ve got a cat. Sometimes two, as a neighbour cat likes to sneak in. It could be worse. It’s been a lot worse.

I’m pretty much unemployable, however. Aside from the fact that most employers would run a mile (or two, or three) if I revealed I’m Autistic and I have a couple of developmental disorders and I have mental health problems, I also have issues with authority. And many employers these days make you jump through a whole lotta hoops that I’m not down with. Right now, that’s okay. I’m in the fortunate position that I can support myself. I can pay for my education. It may not always be like that. I don’t know how the whole Brexit mess will turn out. I may get kicked out of the country next year, when Brexit’s all official, because I’m not in work. It scares me because sure, The Netherlands is a pretty safe country, as countries go, but it’s not safe for me mentally. A lot of my mental health issues stem from things I have experienced there. I have actual nightmares of somehow being back there and not being able to return to the UK. To home.

For now, though, yeah, I’m okay. That’s next year, right? A lot can happen in a year. You never know. The government may decide leaving the EU was a silly idea after all...