Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

This is a rather long explanation of my opinion, sorry, just feel like i have to explain a lot.


I suffer from anxiety and I don’t think it is something that is genetic, but i do wonder if i was born with it. As far back as i can remember, i think i’ve always had it, though i didn’t know i had it until my heart attack at age 31.
As a kid i always worried about what people thought of me, I wouldn’t face the lunch line when i sat in the cafeteria at school to eat, I worried about my ‘friendships’. I was a military brat and did a lot of moving so i went to numerous schools and was always the new kid. I worried how they saw me, what they thought of me. Hell i quit seeking friendships, not just because it was pointless, it was also just too damned worrisome.
As I got older and started having boyfriends and such I worried if i was doing the right things, saying the right things, acting the right way, showing them enough attention. I just never felt good enough and when i was dumped, i couldn’t just let it go. I had to know why, what could i have done differently, etc. Sounds like most people, right? Well I went so far as to become obsessed to find the answers. Not normal.
In my marriage, i worried, but not so much in the beginning. It was normal stuff i worried about, but as my marriage quickly turned into a bad decision, i began having anxious thoughts all the time and i admit now that most of it was put there by my ex husband. He was very controlling and it eventually sent my anxiety into overdrive. So much so i ended up having a minor heart attack at the age of 31.
My anxiety attacks turned to heart attack scares. I was in the hospital 2 times a week thinking i was having another heart attack. And at the time, for some reason, the doctors where more concerned about what might be causing the heart attack to tell me i also suffered from anxiety. I think that instead of them accusing me of being a drug addict, because someone as young as i was shouldn’t be having a heart attack unless they were on drugs, which before then i had never done anything other than smoke cigarettes. They just couldn’t/ wouldn’t believe me.
Anyway, after they finally figured out that it was anxiety attacks, they put me on meds, but i just couldn’t function on them.
I was able to turn my anxiety off after leaving my marriage and telling myself, it is what it is, it will be what it will be and i just quit giving a shit about life any more. I quit caring about everyone and everything and just lived in the moment and i didn’t suffer from anxiety for about 2 years after that.
Then i got into a serious relationship and my anxiety returned. I worried about him and what he was doing, what i was not doing, could be doing, blah, blah, blah. I made him angry with my distrust (mostly because he gave me reason to distrust him). He begged me to stop being so anxious and such (once again, i had reason to be) and so i did stop, but i did it in a negative way. I stopped caring, stopped loving him, stopped worrying that he was going to up and leave, again one day. My anxiety stopped, but so did our relationship, though we stayed in it for another 6 years. But in that time, i never had another anxiety attack.
Flash forward to now. My anxiety has returned, because i’m in the most serious of relationships i’ve had or even say i’ve wanted in a long time, and though i have good reasons to worry at the moment, serious issues, i also have the other issues, i shouldn’t be having. The, am i good enough, will i ever be good enough, do i deserve this, all these. And every ‘negative’ statement made i take to heart, twist it and turn it until it physically makes me ill. And then there’s his expectations of me that so far i’ve failed at, but he remains positive that it’ll all change. He has a lot more faith in me than i do and that he should. I’m not going to get over my anxiety as easily as i did in the past, i can’t, won’t, don’t, want to quit loving him.
Looooong story short, I think it is nurture more than nature, but i wouldn’t rule out the possibility that nature plays some part in it. I’ve been in so many negative environments that I became worse through the years and i think if i would have made better choices in my relationships, i could have possibly been better instead of worse. I could have had a more positive outlook on the future.


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