Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

The full-time job I work (the job where the days are numbered) is a national company, but the headquarters of the company we merged with is in Pensacola. I suppose Pensacola isn't far from Parkland because when I checked my e-mail yesterday, there was an e-mail from corporate that one of the Pensacola team members lost a loved one in Parkland. I did some snooping and Joaquin Oliver's mother works for my company. I was already enraged, but this sent me over the edge. I sent a text to my friend and said, "I'm planning a trip to Florida." She responded: "Sounds fun." I then told her it wasn't a fun trip, I was going to go to the prison where that SOB Nikolas Cruz was being held and was going to finish the job the police officers failed to do: I was going to kill that bitch Saudi Arabian style. She didn't respond. Actually, I would kill him Communist Russian style circa when they massacred the Romanovs. In my mind, Nikolas Cruz does not deserve to live.

After calming down and thinking about it, I know I could not do it even if I wanted to. Logically, even if I wanted to, I couldn't get near him and prisons are secured. Even if I had weapons, I could not bring them into a secured facility. Besides, my rage would not bring back the 17 lives lost. I am enraged that the FBI dropped the ball on this. However, our society has seemed to fail Nikolas, like they seem to fail so many young people today. He was a troubled kid and really should have gotten more help. I don't think psychotropic drugs are the answer because, and this is what is unpopular with some people and has caused someone to block me on here, I think they cause more violence. I can't take psychotropic drugs; I remember when I was on bipolar medicines, I once lashed out at my mom with a knife. My father was there and he stopped me, but I got so worked up it wasn't even funny. Before the bipolar diagnosis and frankly before my hypothyroidism, I would have never imagined doing that.

I think the US healthcare system is flawed. I think there are a lot of medical conditions out there that causes rage and with how expensive our healthcare is, only the wealthy can afford to treat themselves. Over the years, I have read thyroid disease causes rage too, similar to bipolar rage. It makes sense and it's scary. I don't know every case of violence, but I'm sure there are many underlying issues that people failed to pick up on. It's sad.

As a survivor of a violent crime, I guess that is why I react in the way I do. My case was dropped and the detective felt sorry for that young man. This happens a lot and it's unfair. I wish there was more that can be done, but even if parents teach their children well... well, there are no guarantees. There are no guarantees for anyone in this life.