Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

Anxiety is a monster and can show up anywhere and everywhere. Social situations, work, family functions, you name it. If you suffer from anxiety, it follows you wherever you go.

Take me, for example. I’ve been suffering from anxiety for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, this type of thing wasn’t really talked about to any extent. It was just passed off as me being shy or a worrier. I was told to snap out of it, and not “be like that,” or that I would grow out of it.

Guess what? It wasn’t that easy. Anxiety stuck with me throughout my days in high school and on to college. It was ever-present when I entered the workforce, playing a huge role in my bouncing in and out of jobs for a long period of time. Many of my relationships ended because of anxiety, just as a few of them continued for much longer than they should have because that same anxiety wouldn’t allow me to leave.

The way I coped with it was through withdrawal and avoidance, which made those situations I described in the preceding paragraphs that much worse. I left jobs because something had happened in the office (sometimes as small as a missed deadline) caused my anxiety to stomp me into submission. I stopped going to places that I enjoyed and felt comfortable for fear of running into someone I was afraid to see. All in all, I led a pretty solitary life full of wasted time.

I don’t drive a car, which is a hindrance on my life. Getting behind the wheel literally makes my body quake with nervous tension. I felt kind of sorry for the guy who graded me on my last road test. I could barely make it a half a mile down the road before my anxiety hit. I’d have failed me, too.

I drank. A lot. I felt better and less anxious when I was under the influence. It made it easier to talk to people. But, as I discovered, those conversations and interactions were false because it wasn’t the real me that was present, but a different version that I didn’t particularly care for.

Is it better today? Maybe a little. I cope a little differently now, but not completely. When it comes to work, I’ve thrown myself into my job and made it work for me somehow. I work from home for the time being, which makes it easier. I find that spending time alone calms me. I’m in a relationship, probably the best one I’ve ever found, but I have my space to where I can retreat when I need respite, which is far more often than my girlfriend would like.

I find relief in books and writing because I can immerse myself in these things and shut out the rest of the world. I'm not really an "express-my-feelings" type of guy but I find I can do it much easier through my characters and stories.

I don't drink much anymore unless I'm out in which case I'll have one or two. The less I drink, the less inclined I am to make a poor decision that will make my anxiety kick me in the teeth the following morning.

That's pretty much it. I feel stronger as a person these days so when my anxiety acts up I just try to power through it the best I can.

I gotta work on the driving thing, though.