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Rated: E · Message Forum · Other · #2016379
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Apr 19, 2020 at 12:25pm
#3340029
Re: For Writing Exercise - Directions, Please
Writing Exercise for the FSFS


Hi Tobber

Here's my critique of your scene


Darek comes across well as a fastidious little chap who really doesn't like dirt and disorder. *Smile* I like, too that he asked for a book, a weird thing to do in a bar *Bigsmile* and crazy enough to throw his target off the scent.

You did a pretty good job hitting the three points. There were a few instances of telling and filtering, though e.g -

He saved the situation by making it look like a lucky stumble My suggestion - He made it look like a lucky stumble.

Gods, how he hated to play the clumpsy (clumsy?) little Grelling. My suggestion -Gods! The sooner he could stop playing the clumsy little grelling the better.

He made an effort of showing how much he struggled to pull himself up, My suggestion - He made three show-attempts before heaving himself on to it

He had to stop his hands from reaching for the poisoned needles inside his sleeve. My suggestion- He itched to reach for the poisoned needles inside his sleeve. Instead, he turned to the perpetrator and smiled...

The place had gone graveyard quiet, My suggestion - Silence fell.


I was confused by this sentence - He nearly blew his cover having to dodge half a tankard of ale some drunk spilled as Darek moved between his legs. I think to make this sentence less confusing you need to put Darek's name at the beginning of the sentence and use he later where you've put his name.

There are a number of typos/spelling errors -

triping over the drunk's feet. Tripping

clumpsy little Grelling. Clumsy.

clientel. clientele

grapped his shirt gripped

The inkeeper Innkeeper

all of them sporting knives or battons battens

He let his arms drops drop

A punctuation error -

The innkeeper(')s face Missing possessive apostrophe.



Keep writing and have fun! *Delight*

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MESSAGE THREAD
For Writing Exercise - Directions, Please · 04-17-20 7:11am
by Tobber Author IconMail Icon
*Star* Re: For Writing Exercise - Directions, Please · 04-19-20 12:25pm
by A E Willcox Author IconMail Icon
Re: Re: For Writing Exercise - Directions, Please · 04-19-20 3:39pm
by Tobber Author IconMail Icon
Re: Re: Re: For Writing Exercise - Directions, Please · 04-19-20 4:59pm
by A E Willcox Author IconMail Icon

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