Crosstimbers Review Forum

Hi. thanks for asking me to read your story. I enjoyed it and wanted to share some thoughts with you about it.

Item Reviewed: "Wherever I Go"   by Amethyst ❄️ Angel
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                           
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                           
What I liked best
This is a fun story about a haunted ruin. It's well-plotted, with rising tension, an exciting climax, and a happy ending. I enjoyed starting my Sunday reading this!

                                                           
Opening
There are many good things about the opening. You name your characters, for example. You orient your readers, so we know they are in Mesopotamia, that it's hot, the basic relationships between them, and--eventually--why they are there. We also learn--again eventually--about Ryan's goals, why the goals matter, and the obstacle to achieving that goal. Knowing the goals, obstacles, and stakes early helps to add tension and hook the readers. Good work that you've included on all of this, but I might hope for some of it to happen sooner rather than later.

The most important thing to happen sooner, though, is to establish the POV.

It takes quite a while to establish that Ryan is the POV character. True, the first thing that happens is that he speaks, but this doesn't establish POV. The act of speaking doesn't tell us who is hearing him speak, so the POV is indeterminate. A bit later, "they" follow Gina, which is a mark of an omniscient narrator telling us stuff since Gina presumably can't see them (being in front of them), and the collective "they" doesn't single out one as providing the POV.

It'd be stronger to establish Ryan as the POV character right away by having him react to something or sense something internal, or do both. For example, sweat might trickle down his forehead and burn his eyes, or he might squint against the hot, Mesopotamian sun as his wife scampers ahead and climbs the crumbling temple stairs. EIther one of those establishes Ryan is providing the POV.

It would also be helpful to establish a bit earlier that they are looking for Pete's missing spouse, Lettie, who apparently disappeared on a previous visit to the temple.

                                                           
Plot
Lettie's disappeared and they are looking for her. Good tension just from that, and you continue to ramp it up as Gina disappears, too, and (apparently) in the same location as Lettie. However, we learn about Lettie's disappearance after Gina goes missing. That adds to the importance that readers know about Lettie earlier, so that Gina's disappearance then ramps up a pre-existing level of tension. (So it happens for readers in teh same order it happens for the characters.) When Gina disappears, Pete and Ryan would already be worried about Lettie, and so Gina's disappearance increases the tension the characters feel. But, as written, the readers learn about Lettie's disappearance ex post, which dissipates what should be a leap in tension.

                                                           
Style and Voice
Third person limited, in Ryan's head eventually.

                                                           
Scene/Setting
Pretty good, and certainly sufficient for staging. Especially in the action sequence at the end, the fight with Toth, you did an excellent job positioning the characters as they move about. For the most part, you've also got the characters interacting with the setting rather than just describing it.

                                                           
Characters
Ryan, his wife Gina, their friend Pete, and Pete's missing spouse, Lettie. Oh, and Toth.

                                                           
Grammar
No complaints.

                                                           
Just my personal opinion
This is a well-plotted story, with credible characters, an exciting climax, and satisfying ending. I've made a number of nit-picky suggestions, both above and in the line-by-line remarks below, but in terms of structure, characterization, and plotting, this is effective writing and a fun read. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!!!

                                                           
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                           

They watched as Gina strode ahead, My Comment: "they" is pretty clearly an omniscient narrator describing the scene. Better if the POV character watched. Better still, if Gina just strides ahead and the POV character reacts in some way. Perhaps he frowns, or squints to better see her in the glare of the sunlight.

heat hazedMy Comment: suggest heat-hazed with a hypen

Pete stopped to restMy Comment: tells us why he's stopping, which suggests we're in his head. If he "heaves a sigh and plops down," for example, that's something the POV character could hear and see and lets the reader--and the POV character--infer his motivation.

Unwilling to leave his tired friend, RyanMy Comment: Confirming Ryan must be the POV character since we know his motivation…

"Lettie My Comment: who is Lettie? Of course, you answer this in the subsequent conversation, but see my comments above. The reason they are there in the first place to seek out Lettie, so giving that essential bit of the plot earlier--in the opening first couple of sentences--would be helpful.

! This is extremely important!"My Comment: Feels a bit unnatural. I think she might say something like "it's awesome," or maybe, "you won't believe how it looks."

Loathsome fumes rose up from it.My Comment: Loathsome how? Looking? Or maybe smelling? If the latter, rather than telling us through the adjective, suggest showing us by having Ryan or Pete react to the odor.

It should have been Pete's to find.My Comment: The Gods (or maybe fate?) promised it to Pete, right? Through the Ouija board. Inattentive readers might miss the connection with the current phrasing…

                                                           

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

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