Crosstimbers Review Forum

Item Reviewed: "Invalid Item"   by A Guest Visitor
Reviewer: Max Griffin 🏳️‍🌈

                                                             
As always, these are just one person's opinions. Always remember Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to read my own. I hope you find something here useful , and that you will discard the rest with good cheer.

                                                             
What I liked best
Thank you for asking me to read this story, a tale that relates the devestation that war wreaks on a peaceful village. It could be ripped from today's headlines where war wages in more than one location and otherwise peaceful civilians find themselves trapped in horrific violence. This kind of violence is made possible when propaganda dehumanizes the enemy and turns humans into "others." Stories like this help to break that cycle by exposing the humanity we all share.

                                                             
Opening
Your opening does a good job of orienting the readers by answering some of the basic who/what/when/where questions. You name your eventual protagonist, Emam, and put her in action, enjoying a local festival in her village.

This is all to the good, but I think there's room for improvement. Consider, for exmaple, the opening paragraph.


This does the things I mentioned above, but it does so through narration. By this, I mean that there's someone standing outside the here-and-now of the story telling us what's happening. The two key aspects are, first, that narration puts the reader outside the fictional world and, second, that it's telling rather than showing.

The easiest way to put the reader inside the fictional world is to put them inside your protagonist's head as she experiences the festival. Maybe she grips Zee's hand as the merry festival crowd surges around them. Maybe the steamy scents of sausages roasted on street vendor's cart makes her stomach growl. Perhaps it's something else--the festival is alive in your imagination, so bring it to life the readers' imaginations by having Emam interact with her surroundings by sensing and feeling. At the same time, you can convey the essential information about Emeam and Zee. If they are holding hands, for example, that shows they are true friends. If the festival crowd surges around them, that shows that there's a festival by the crowd's actions.

There's a subtle difference between showing and telling, but it's an important one. In the examples above, the focus is on Emam and what she's experiencing as she interacts with the fictional world. Giving her actions and sensations only she can know helps to put readers in her head and, through her, to connect them to the fictional world.

This is espeically important when the invasion shatters the merry world of the festival. If readers are inside that world, they will feel the emotional shock of the sudden loss and the horrific sights that follow. This connection with the fictional world, before and after the invasion, would enhance the main message of the story.

The dual problem with narration and telling is that they distance the reader from the fictional world and from the lived experience of the characters. Instead, you want the characters right there in the here-and-now of Emam's head as she experiences these things. SHowing rather than telling exacts a cost in terms of length--it's likely to take more words than narration and telling--but this story and its message is worth it.

Your opening is your best opportunity to draw readers into your fictional world, to induce a dream-like state in which your words guide their imaginations. The readers become the author's active partners in imagining the fictional world, in a state of suspended disbelief. In crafting the opening of any story, it's the author's primary task to launch this fictional dream.

Indeed, and especially in a story with as important a theme as this one, putting the readers inside Eman's head--and thus inside the fictional world--is a powerful way to enhance the theme.

                                                             
Plot
At the start, Emam just wants to enjoy the festival with her bestie Zee. Everything changes when the soldiers from the nameless "enemy" show up and start a massacre. The remainder of the plot consists of her escaping, then returning to fight back, and finally her despair. This is a powerful arc.

                                                             
Style and Voice
This story uses an omniscient narrator, standing outside the story, telling the reader what's going on. The narration is largely told rather than shown. My main suggestion for this story is to focus on Emam's lived experiences as she encounters each event. What are the smells and sounds? How does she physically react? Does fear grip her belly? Do tears blur her vision? Does she hear the snap of rifles firing and smell the acrid scent of gunpowder? Does blood smear her hands when she finds her friend's cold and lifeless body? What does it feel like as she touches his cheek, and what emotions churn inside her? SHow all of this through her, as her body quakes and bile sours her throat. Put the reader in her head and you will hav put them inside this suddenly horrible world.

                                                             
Referencing
I think deliverately did not name the village nor the enemy. This contributes to the universality of the message--it could be ANY village and ANY enemy. This is about the horrors that warfare brings to the innocent, not about demonizing the soldiers.

                                                             
Scene/Setting
I can tell that this is all to real in your imagination. The challenge is to make real in the readers' imaginations as well, which is the point of the above comments.

                                                             
Just my personal opinion
One way to think of telling a story is that it is a guided dream in which the author leads the readers through the events. In doing this, the author needs to engage the readers as active participants in the story, so that they become the author's partner in imagining the story. Elements of craft that engage the readers and immerse them in the story enhance this fictive dream. On the other hand, authors should avoid things that interrupt the dream and pull readers out of the story.

All of the comments above and the line-by-line remarks below relate to this theory of fiction.

THis is a story with an important message--a message made more compelling by headlines from around the world. It's a paean against war and the devestation that it brings to the helpless and innocent. Thank you for writing it, and for sharing it.

                                                             
Line-by-line remarks
Your text is in BLUE.
My comments are in GREEN.
If I suggest a re-wording, it's in GRAPE.
                                                             
Just then, a loud explosion shook the ground, and gunfire erupted. People panicked and started running. A child fell to the ground, crying. Eman rushed to help, but a bullet hit the child, and he died in Eman's arms.My Comment: In an instant the world changes forever. This is so important that it's important that words guide the readers through the horror and Emam's reactions. When a bullet hits the child, how does the child react? Does his body lurch? Does hot blood spray across Eman's face? Does she cradle him in her arms while his body turns limp and lifeless? This is a horrifying event that sets the stage for what follows, but it's told by a narrator standing outside the story, looking on. The power of fiction is to put the readers right there, inside Emma's head, as she experiencing the shock and terror as her world shatters.

The firing continued, and many villagers fell dead.My Comment: This summarizes what's happening. It would be more intimate and immediate to particularize this. For example, a nearby villager's head explodes in a spray of blood and brains. His companion maybe kneels to cradle his ruined head and bullets slash through her torso. After particularizing in this way, THEN you can summarize, but keep it in Emam's head: everywhere she looked, the scene repeated. Dozens of villagers lay dead and dying. Screams and the pop of rifles firing replace the merriment that was there before. Nearby, a villager writhes in the dirt, bloody fingers clutching his throat as his breath wheezes in bubbly foam from his mouth. Somewhere in the distance, a child cries. Bring the gory details to life. Make the readers experience what's happening. Be specific, don't summarize. You don't have to include more than one or two examples here--but do be specific.

Eman was terrified,My Comment: Show her being terrified. Show her hands shaking, tears blurring her vision, cold fear gripping her belly.

Eman's heart broke at the sight of a dying man, begging for someone to save his daughter.My Comment: This is the kind of specific description I'm talking about--it's much more powerful than the summary narration.

Suddenly, an army man appeared. Noor grabbed an axe and attacked him, but Eman intervened, and they managed to defeat him. My Comment: Defeat him how? Did they kill him, or chase him away? Details are important to bringing the fictional world to life, and important to the theme. It's important, for example, that Emam intervened and stopped Noor from using the axe, so it's important to know the soldier's fate.

As they caught their breath, Eman put on the army uniform and helmet, determined to help the villagers and find the girls.My Comment: This suggests they killed him. Instead, I'd suggest that he flees, but that she puts on the uniform of a dead soldier laying in the road.

Dua's cold, pale face stared back at her, unresponsive. Eman's tears fell onto her friend's cheeks as she held her close. Eman's eyes welled up with tears as she gathered the lifeless body of Dua, her dear friend, and cradled it in her arms. She dug a grave in the cold, hard soil, her hands shaking with sorrow. As she laid Dua to rest, she whispered a final farewell, her voice barely audible.My Comment: This is a great paragraph--all showing things from Emam's point of view, with no summary narration. This is the kind of thing I'd like to see everywhere!

                                                             

I only review things I like, and I really liked this story. I'm a professor by day, and find awarding grades the least satisfying part of my job. Since I'm reviewing in part for my own edification, I decided long ago to give a rating of "4" to everything I review, thus avoiding the necessity of "grading" things on WDC. So please don't assign any weight to my "grade" -- but know that I selected this story for review because I liked it and thought I could learn from studying it.

Again, these are just one person's opinions. Only you know what is best for your story! The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!

Max Griffin
Please visit my website and blog at
https://new.MaxGriffin.net

Check out most recent release!

ASIN: B0C9P9S6G8 Murder on Cabot's Landing Product Type: Kindle Store Amazon's Price: $ 6.49 Buy Now!