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downward spiral of a girl all names were changed |
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It all starts with a girl named Jennifer Uribe, a average girl of five foot four inches, big brown eyes, and long curly brown hair. Jennifer was just like any regular girl on the outside that is, no one truly knew her deep down inside. To everyone else she was a happy, no stress in her life kind of girl just living her life. To her family she’s always angry, upset and mean constantly locking herself into her room and staying away from all of them. Around her friends she was a completely different person though, she smiled and looked happier then anyone knew. All that was just a façade though, none of those smiles meant anything because deep down all she wished she could do was cry. Not always smiling so that no one would ask what was wrong. She didn’t ever want to have to talk about what made her the way she turned out, she didn’t want everyone to know how much she wanted to die. Jennifer was always a little better around her friends though because she could just hang out with them and not worry about any questions coming up. Never had to talk about her feelings or idiotic things you may talk about with your family never getting into arguments over disagreements. Hanging with her family just wasn’t something she enjoyed to much though because no matter what she did she was the problem. All she knew in her life was anger, betrayal, and her joy had been taken many years ago. Not one person really knew what she was dealing with, what she was bottling up and what made her the grump she was now. It all started when she was a pre-teen not yet interested in guys sure she thought some cute but she was way to shy to ever do anything about it. Jennifer did make friends with guys easy being a tom-boy but she never talked to them as a girl interested in them. Back to the subject though beginning with the horrible memory she wishes she could forget. The memory in her that she would rather have blocked out of her mind so that she could live on without pain. Jennifer trusted her one of her uncles, not sure whose brother on which side he was but knew him as uncle. Little did she know he had a thing for young girls didn’t matter if they were related. Jennifer managed to forget some of that night but not all of it, the part she remembers very clearly is that he told her she could sleep in the bed so she did. It wasn’t fair that everyone else had a bed to sleep on and her brother was on the other side she thought no harm in that. Once in the bed she started falling asleep until she heard his breathing in her ear. Jennifer had no idea what was going on but she didn’t feel comfortable not one bit. Next think Jennifer knew was that his hands were all over her groping her, the only thing she could think of was to pretend to be asleep. That didn’t stop him though, he kept groping her, putting his hands in her skirt rubbing her private spot. Thoughts raced in her head, “What is he doing? What is he doing?” Tears filled her eyes as she lay there frozen afraid of what was happening. Then he stopped he kissed her on the cheek and went into the bathroom, once he was in the bathroom she ran back to the floor feeling violated and sad. No he didn’t take her innocence but what he did still scarred her beyond repair. She went on with her life, not happy like she used to be but sad and angry she blamed herself. Why did she get into the bed? Why didn’t she think smarter? What should she do? She had no idea what to do all she knew is that happy little girl died and that was when she changed. Her wardrobe, attitude, everything changed about her and her family only made it worse. She couldn’t bring herself to say anything she didn’t think her parents would ever believe her and she didn’t want to bear that rejection of them taking his side. She kept it a secret not telling anyone and every time that uncle visit she ran to her room and locked the door, or the bathroom anywhere to just not see him. That was when the family made it worse calling her names for being disrespectful and never saying hi to him. Always running off they never took that as a hint that something was wrong. Jennifer dealt with the names, she dealt with the profanity used towards her and wondered why her parents never got after her brother for using them. Slowly Jennifer became those profanities used against her, she placed a barrier over her heart and she lived on. Wouldn’t show anyone what she felt and kept hiding her tears, always crying when no one was around to see. As time went on the clothes she wore just didn’t go together and she didn’t care her object was to look unattractive to not be looked at as a sexual object. Something that didn’t work because she was developing more and more already a c-cup by eight grade the boys always noticed. Always walking in the hall minding her own business when she would feel someone pinch her butt, or rub against her chest. Never seeing who it was with the halls always being over crowed she shut down her emotions until she was alone. Every time that happened though it only reminded her how much she hated to be touched, always reminded her of that night. But as those years passed on a loner was being born, a girl who loved to be alone in her room drawing, singing, or on her computer. Jennifer did eventually move on from that night but she had already made her heart cold. By high school she had finally started to move away from that night and wanted to actually dress up and look nice. Still shy, still sort of a loner only hanging with her close group of friends, she skated through high school doing her homework, not going out to parties, and not drinking or doing drugs. She was the good girl all through high school even though she still didn’t enjoy spending time with her family. With all that anger bottled up inside of her she was always snapping at her family and they constantly saw her as a nuisance. They used meaner words but I would rather not use them not knowing who could be reading this. They never understood, and they never would she had already gone on and never mentioned that night to anyone, that is her biggest secret that she keeps locked up inside of her to this day. All except for two people one I’ll mention now the other not until later. The first person she finally told was her best friends Emily, high school was gone and over with they were friends for about four years and they both one night started to talk. She practically lived there with her and when her friend confided in her about something in her past I comforted by telling her my story. I can’t divulge her story since that his her story to tell but we both were betrayed by people we thought we could trust. Both of them felt much better after finally telling there secrets to someone else and were so much closer as friends. Jennifer and Emily were like sisters, they were just so alike and could relate to each other which is what helped them to start being happy again. That is until the day Jennifer found out she was moving and that move made things much worse. She constantly upset her parents, constantly fought with her siblings and just couldn’t do anything right. Once night time came she went in her room or the bathroom and spent hours crying, crying herself tired and every time she fought with her parents and they told her how worthless she was she believed it. Constantly thinking of killing herself, one way if she wasn’t a big baby about pain was to slit her wrists and write in blood on the wall “there now you can all be happy with me gone” Jennifer just didn’t want to live but she did, she kept going with her life even though it took all her strength to get up. She plastered on that fake smile and she let everyone believe she was happy even though inside she’s screaming at the top of her lungs and wanting death. She started cutting herself at night every time she was upset at her parents. Trying to cut harder each time once even ramming a fork in her arm. Which only left dots and a swollen sore are for a while. No one ever noticed her cuts and never noticed that she couldn’t make a fist if she cut too hard. Years went on and she one day met a guy already reaching the age of twenty two when he finally melted that ice around her heart. He got in and she thought he was special, but he wasn’t. He had been a friend so she trusted him when he told her how much he liked her but as soon as he got what he wanted that changed. The moment he told her goodbye she felt that change but kept hoping she was wrong. She wasn’t, he had changed he didn’t want her anymore and it broke her more then she let on. They did stay friends though and then she met him, the guy she thought was ‘THE ONE’. The second she saw him she was interested, and shock filled her when her friends told her that he liked her and thought she was beautiful. How could he think she was beautiful? How could he like her? She fell for him right away but wouldn’t tell him that because she had never fallen in love she like the first guy but she never felt like she had with him. Adam was his name and he had great friendly smile and a kind look in his eyes and she felt that he was perfect. She had no idea that he was what would lead her into a downward spiral into the worst pain she could have imagined. Adam called her everyday, all through the day always talked for hours with Jennifer until he had to leave. He went of to school and everything changed between them, he never had time to talk to her, he forgot to call her and wouldn’t hang out with her. Thoughts of meeting someone there ran in and out of her head. Worrying that he had met someone else and forgotten her, moved on. Still she stayed with him she kept hoping that he would finally give her a chance and make her his girlfriend. That day would never come though she just kept giving and giving and loving him and he just kept pushing her away. She finally decided she had to say goodbye even though it ripped her heart up to do it. It didn’t last though she called him after a week trying to get a hold of him and he said he was sleeping that he would call her back. Feelings of rejection rushed into her as she wondered why he said he would call and didn’t. Another week went on and she called him again this time at his dorm room finally getting his attention. He still didn’t have time for her but she gave him a second chance hoping he would make time and he didn’t. When before he was too busy studying and doing homework he was now too busy hanging with friends. All she could think of was how did he have time now to hang out with friends and never have time for her. Why did he keep pushing her away? He only talked to her for a few minutes every other day, then a few minutes every other week, and not trying to see her when he said he would. Again rejection filled her and to replace that rejection she met another guy that cheered her up. Jennifer knew he was lying but it made her feel good to have a guy pay attention to her, to compliment her again and she went for it. After Adam told her straight out that if they had stayed “close friends” still having sex in other words she would have been the first one he would see. She felt horrible and that was the reason behind going for Erick. He made her feel pretty again, he showed her attention more then Adam was doing. Yes it was a mistake but she wouldn’t take that back now that she had a beautiful baby, yes she had gotten pregnant and she let Adam know assuring him that it wasn’t his that she had just gotten pregnant. They stayed friends though, just like they had been the whole time since they met except that they hadn’t been together because Jennifer was with someone else that he had no idea about. Eventually though there friendship went wrong again, when she started hearing from everyone that when he was supposed to be talking to just her he was sleeping with someone else. Anger and jealousy filled her she had no idea what to do. She kept it quiet and just ignored it even thought the girl herself was telling everyone of her friends who happen to have known her and they let her know once and for all that it was true. That ended what they had and many ugly things were said and he still wouldn’t own up to what he had done. His main comment was she was the one who got knocked up by someone else. The difference there was that she wasn’t with him at the time, he was seriously just a friend and one that had no time for her. The day she finally heard it from her close friend she was getting ready to take a shower and when she heard what her friends had to say her chest tightened. She broke into tears and hung up the phone. Jennifer jumped into the shower and cried for who knows how long. She couldn’t take that pain that she was feeling she just couldn’t take it. Then she finally wrote him and she told him that the reason she hurt so bad was because she had never fallen in love before him. She had never let a guy that close to her and for him she did. She made the move on him and she opened herself up to him, thinking he is the one he is the one she loved. She let him know the reason she had stayed away from guys for so long why it took her twenty two years before she finally lost her virginity. The reason behind her falling so hard for him, she told him her big secret and his comment to her was to go f*** herself. That was the breaking point again she went back to her depression hiding it from everyone else and back to the cutting. She started to think he only came back and told her he loved her to hurt her even more. He showed no remorse for what he did none at all and she was broken. She never did heal but she coped she adapted and she after almost two years started to move on again. She started to feel okay still not happy but okay, she could live at least that is until she ran into him again at a store. She hadn’t even seen him because she had gotten herself into the habit of looking down never at people she didn’t want to see the people, make friends or meet anyone new. He saw her and he made his presence known going up to her to say hello and ask how she had been doing. She felt like running but instead she stood there holding in her tears. He forced his way back into her life and she still loved him so much she let him do it she just couldn’t say goodbye to him. The first things out of his mouth was that he had a lot more time for her and that he wanted to be friends again. Had Jennifer known what she knew now she would never had let him back into her life, well that’s a lie she still would because even now she still loves him. Many things led to his final act and the first of it was those first lies he told when they were talking. How he had more time to talk and hang out they were all lies he still didn’t have time and kept finding reasons to not hang out. Then he promised he would hurt her as long as they stayed friends and he stared ignoring her again. He started all his crap again trying to make himself believe he was doing her a favor. He wasn’t, everything he did was for him, everything he did was to make him feel better and nothing he did was for her. He re-opened those wounds that had finally closed and he broke her even more then he had before. She’s now back to wanting to die and no one else knows except him but does he care no. Does he care that his actions may lead to a girls death, a girl who has already tried to OD but just threw up the pills, a girl who keeps cutting hoping one day she can do the fatal one that kills her. Will he ever care that he hurts her more everyday just by what he did, by disappearing again. Yes he does know all this and he doesn’t care because as I said before he didn’t care about her. He didn’t care about how much he was going to break her, about how dark her mind gets and about how hard she fights to stay alive. Spending everyday cutting herself and every night crying, and every moment wondering why he came back into her life to rip her apart. Maybe one day she’ll finally get her wish and she’ll be dead and then maybe he’ll be happy that he won’t have to deal with her anymore. Maybe one day he’ll regret what he did, maybe one day he’ll see everything he did wrong. Hopefully someday he’ll grow a heart and realize that everything he did he did wrong, everything he did was evil and wrong. That doesn’t matter anymore to Jennifer though all that matters is her life is falling apart and she wants to die. All that matters is that she can’t heal her heart again, and all that matters is that the only reason she stays alive is because killing herself is a sin. She still hopes for some peace though and that peace can only come through death because that’s what he did to her. |
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