Hi,

I came across your item, liked what I read and would like to share my thoughts about it.


Plot: A firefighter goes to work on a fateful day... and won't return, leaving family and friends.

Style/Voice: 3rd person limited, Joanne;


Setting: Joanne's and Sam's house, Ground Zero, the school
(barely to none description, but actually not really necessary)



Characters:

Sam's a fire fighter in Manhattan and husband and father.

Joanne's Sam's wife. She's thrown into a whirlwind of horror and disbelief, hope and denial, loss and hurt, despair and shock during and after the events. Yet, for the sake of her daughter, she tries to pull herself together and to do what she thinks is in her late, beloved husband's sense.

Angie's Sam's and Joanne's teenager daughter and severely traumatized as well by the loss of the beloved father.

The Chief is the substitute for all remaining colleagues and friends of Sam, speaking out what they're thinking. He feels as if he's lost a son. He was proud of Sam, and also respected and even admired him a bit for his selfless and brave nature.



Grammar: Beware! Below I've pointed out, corrected things and made suggestions based on how I would've put things. However, I'm ESL, so you might not agree with everything.


Sorry, Hon, but it was really fatal! I'll send you a detailed line-by-line privately; so, you can see what can be polished and strengthened about this piece to make it really shine.




Personal Opinion: The normalcy in the beginning almost made me cry, because I had a slight idea already about how it would end. Sorry, Germans are professional black painters.

You caught Joanne's shock at the beginning well; how time seems to slow to only a few minutes when in reality almost two hours went by.

I think both Joanne and Angie were exemplaric for families from New York, all over the States, and even the world for that day and the following. Their drama and inner turmoil brought back my own emotions I felt when I came home from school on my birthday and everyone was gathered around the TV.

I'm SO SORRY having to say that, Hon, really! But all those technical and grammatical flaws I found, just slowed and bogged down the whole story... until it almost suffocated beneath them. It is definitely worth fixing, because this is an important issue that may not be forgotten!

I'll gladly reread and rerate after you polished it.

It sure hurt to choose that rating; be assured of that. I hope you don't hate me now!



Don't forget that I'm just someone voicing her opinion. You know best what's best for your story.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .