I selected your story to review through the Read a Newbie Forum of WdC.
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where there is great support for all writers.
 
It was a real pleasure reading your work and I am glad to give you some impressions I have of your piece as well as a short review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
In a subconscious utopia there once lived a maiden and a writer of plays. They were good for each other in every way though their physical union was never meant to be. So they began to live in a world where they love each other in dreams so real that there is satisfaction that their relationship is a perfect one. What the lover’s don’t know is that their dream world is very much tied to the physical one and death can separate them. The response of each to them to their loss can doom them to either a heaven of continued dreams or to a hell of darkness and despair.
 
Interest and Pace
 
I love the fantasy elements in your story. You have created a unique situation that defies the laws that humans are naturally bound too. You explore the dimension beyond our reality with confidence and insight as though this is where you thrive every day. Because of your confidence in writing on this theme and the talent you have for writing about the unseen, you have made the story believable for me and wonder if I have not visited this dimension myself. The pace is well done, though I think it could have been improved with more showing the reader what happens to the maiden and the writer. In other words, for instance, when the maiden is snatched by the carriage, consider building some tension around this scene by describing the market place sounds, colors, smells, amenities, the sound of the horses as an intrusion on the meeting. What manner of servants were sent to take the maiden back to her master? Were they thugs or gentlemen obeying orders for their own sakes? Your story has such a quick pace to it there is room for more description of the scenes and the actions by those determined to keep the two apart.
 
Structure and Clarity
My preference as a reader is for shorter paragraphs and I think your story could benefit from breaking up the longer passages. In this way it sets apart the more dynamic prose from the descriptors or narrative. For instance I would take the writer’s declaration: ”This physical shell which keeps me from being with you keeps within it a pure world where we can spend eternity together.” This is a dramatic moment in the story and the writer delivers the proclamation that sums up the whole nature of their relationship as he and the maiden part forever except for the life they now share in their utopian world.
 
I appreciate the clarity of your prose and I enjoyed the writing immensely. I would encourage you that your skill level will be better showcased as you draw into your story the details that would provoke me to fully embrace all of the magic and wonder of love in another realm you have created.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were a few words that were accidentally left out and a bit of punctuation that needs correcting, but I can tell by your skill level of writing that you will be able to correct that on your re-write of your story. My only other suggestions for revisions I mentioned earlier.
 
Summary
 
Two lovers who cannot remain together in a physical world devise a new realm for themselves where all things are utopian. There is only one problem, it is not impervious to the brutality of the real world. The maiden and the writer are fully challenged to keep their love alive. I appreciate the way “The Story of The Realm” unfolds and comes to a natural conclusion. The conspiracy of two lovers is perfectly utopian. But the way their union is affected by the physical world they live in is their only true destiny.
 
Your story is wonderfully conceived and it is a most unique lover's tale. Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents.
 
~Kenword~
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .