Hi there! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed by a newbie!

Personal Impression:I loved your story, but it needs a lot of work. It has the girls talking like adults in the beginning only to not really know anything from what they were supposed to have learned from TV. It doesn't make sense. Like the not knowing what a dog is. If they watched that much TV then surely they saw a dog before. The language is simple and at times too simple. It needs to be expanded in many areas. It sounded like a skipping record in a lot of areas. Like the story would start to stop and then start again a few frames down only to repeat this over and over. Is this book by chance for teenagers or adults? Do you read books like yours often? Maybe if you could read a book like yours you would see what is required to get one published. I know I am not sounding positive, but I am trying. I loved your story, but it does need work. Keep on editing it and adding to it as you go to make it better. It is good right now, but I see so much potential in it that I can't wait to see the finished product. Anything could happen in that little frame of words.
Here are the problems I saw with it.

All the things she has done in the past calculates up into these too people. (too should be to)
We all talked on the way their about ourselves. (their should be there)
By the sound of it now, my parents are sort of braking up (brake should be break)
If they watched tv all day how can they not know what a dog is?
I can sense a smell that they are always watching us.
He's my father, not my friend.
(Nothing about this sentence makes sense.)
It didn't make any sense. It was like doing a hard algebra problem in maths (maths should be math)
I followed the three of them out of the door to the car, which I had never been in before. (not a true statement. She had been in the kindy principal/teacher's car when she was six for her birthday) (another note is when she was six he was their principal and now he is the teacher)
"We are fine Mum. Mildred I am sure doesn't have anything else on her mind." (needs a comma after Mildred)
"That's not dinner, that's a snack." (how would she know that popcorn wasn't dinner?)
"Give us your leg, Mildred, and you can use my shirt as a bandage." (who is us?)
I pulled my leg over his and he gently placed the bandage over the cut. (where did the bandage come from)
All I have to do is hire out a dog for the night and everything will run smoothly and fine. (you don't need smoothly and fine to describe the way they want the evening to go. One will work.)
"Girls these days. You seem to have too many things on your mind at one time."
and
"As if you can talk. You just don't want to get into more trouble than you are already in."
(two completely different conversations going on right next to each other. Doesn't make sense.")
Miss Bloomsberry was single. Never married, never divorced. (by never married we know she has never been divorced)
"Because you see ... It's just complicated. I'm really not who you think I am." (he has no idea already who she is)
"We could play a board game or do whatever. I have a TV in the caravan. We can watch a movie."
"That sounds like a great idea. Haven't watched many in my life before." (She finally remembers her life in a few sentences up and now she can't remember watching all that TV when she was younger?)
"What! Let me out. You betrayed me. You little liar! That's why you cooked that breakfast this morning. Far out. LET ME OUT or I'll smash the window with my bare hand."(she was outside already)
"Thanks Judy for everything you have done. See you next time. (missing a ")
He joined the army too. (at sixty?)
"I am afraid my darling that we are a little too old to leave this place. (sixty isn't old yet. You don't go in a home at sixty unless you have medical problems. My mom is sixty-four and still lives in her house with her husband and still has many years left to go.)
"Is that all you missed about me? I'm sure there is more than that. I missed you all." ("you all" should be "you, too"
I guess that will be a mystery that I will neve (this sentence is left unfinished)

Tone & Mood: Great tone and mood. It was reflective and honest. It revealed a lot in a few words.

Emotional Impact: You caused me to wonder and speculate. That is what we strive for as writers.
Grammar/Punctuation: You did an excellent job with this.

Summary: Your overall story was well presented and held my attention, but it does need a lot of work. I hope you take what I have said and expand on it and read some books like yours. I was completely sucked in and thought that you could make a story out of this. I mean a long story like a novel or novella.

Overall: I would recommend this to others and buy the book if you wrote it because I think you would do well to make a book out of this.

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this story. Please keep on writing more stories just like this!Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this story. Please keep on writing more stories just like this!