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Review #4023934
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Review by Charlie ~ Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (2.5)
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Hello, quinnandcat. My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC with a review on your short story that I found on the "Read a Newbie" page. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Peace2*



*Mushroomo* First Impressions *Mushroomo*

The title is interesting, but I'm not sure where it plays into the story. Typically a title will let the reader know to an extent what the story is going to be about, but this title seems to have a personal meaning that readers won't under straight away. The description gives us a better idea about the content of the story.


*Mushroomg* Subject Matter *Mushroomg*

It's exactly as the description states! The story is about a couple waking up after a night out and getting ready for work together. We find out quite a bit about the professional and social life of the characters. One is a bartender by night and the other is a bouncer for the same bar and a tattoo artist during the day.


*Mushroomb* Things That Worked *Mushroomb*

I think you did a good job of building the characters' personalities by displaying how they react to a rough night out. After they get ready though, they both seem happy to take on another day at their bar jobs. I thought it was interesting that Sebastian had just woken up and gotten ready for work at the night job. I guess he wasn't working at the tattoo shop on the day in question.


*Mushroomv* Suggestions *Mushroomv*

My biggest issue with this story is that it doesn't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. It felt like we were introduced to the two characters and then the story was over. There's no issue that needs to be resolved or build up to anything. We get a description of mundane tasks, like what they do in the bathroom to get ready for work, but we don't get any sort of drama or full story.
As I said, I think you did a great job of building the characters and helping the reader get to know them, but I felt like we were left a bit high and dry with actual content in this piece.


*Mushroomp* Final Thoughts *Mushroomp*

I enjoyed getting to know Seb and Alice's daily life process together. I'd like to see the characters again in a full story with beginning, middle, and end because I feel they are strong enough to support it. Thanks again for sharing with us!




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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/05/2014 @ 8:46pm EDT
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