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 Review #4024186 |
| Hello, Elle  . This is review two out of three for your recent win in the "Invalid Item"  . Thanks for sharing your poem, "Invalid Item" with us. Remember that I am merely a reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing better than anyone. If you find something useful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard completely.  Title "Shattered" is a good, dramatic title for this piece. What really catches my attention though is the description, which is well-written and interesting. I also like the picture as it visually displays the title and makes me want to read the poem more. Subject Matter This poem is about the lowest of the low. The times when all energy feels like it has been sucked away and all that is left is the shadow of despair. We've all been through dark times where there doesn't seem to be anything to be positive about. In this piece, you capture the heartbreak and desperation of those moments. Flow and Readability The poem was easy to read and comprehend. I didn't feel as though there were a lot of parts that tripped me up as I was reading. There was good use of language to describe the mental and emotional state of the narrator. There isn't a set number of syllables per line, but I feel like the poem flows for the most part throughout. Tone and Emotions This is the biggest part of the poem from my perspective. You did a great job of holding a dramatic and hopeless tone from beginning to end. It brings up emotions of anger, sadness, and a general hopelessness. Even in the end, the narrator has given up and is basically telling whoever they are talking to that they should just continue on because the narrator is unable to be repaired. It's kind of like that idea of, "Just go on without me." At no point in the poem does the tone change at all. Imagery There is quite a bit of imagery in the poem, especially in relation to emotional damage and suffering. We're not really getting a clear scene here, but we can understand the personal strife the narrator is in. With lines like, "Hope slithered out the window", we can almost get a visual feel for the emotional impact of the poem. My Favorite Part I have two distinct favorite parts of the poem. The first part is, "Your whisper treads a tattered path over the pounding of my heart." I love these lines because it's like a building tension between the narrator and whoever the person is that she's talking to. We don't know if this is about a relationship gone awry, or a more general blanket of negative times, but we can understand the panic that the narrator is going through. My next favorite part was in the third stanza, "In the darkest shadows creeps death, hand in hand with fear." If I had to guess, I would say that death creeping in the shadows is on the top of many people's lists of things to be fearful of, so I like that you brought those two together in a clear correlation. Possible Suggestions I don't see any specific errors with grammar or punctuation in your poem, but I do have some personal opinions about the content. There were a couple things that weren't "for me" in the poem and I'd like to share those with you and see what you think, just keep in mind that they are only opinions. First, I felt like the poem started off strong, but ended up going down a more clichéd path. There were some specific words used that I didn't feel were as original as they could have been. Lines like "Emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness..." and "Goodbye. I am broken. Destroyed." didn't seem up to par with the beginning of the poem and the other writing I've seen of yours. I also didn't like the repeated use of saying goodbye and talking about how the soul was being stabbed or was beyond repair. Again, these are personal opinions of mine after reading the poem together as a whole. There is nothing wrong on the technical front, but it has less of an impact because I felt like some of the language used was a bit trite. The beginning of the poem was great, but the ending wasn't in my personal taste. Final Thoughts I enjoyed reading your poem and I feel you did a good job with creating the tension and displaying emotions. I felt like the first half of the poem used better language than the second half. Thanks again for sharing with us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/07/2014 @ 6:30pm EDT