Hello, Elle . It's Charlie with the last review from your winning package at "Invalid Item" . Keep in mind that the following is just the personal opinion of one reader. I am not a professional. I hope that you’ll find something worthwhile and helpful here. If you don’t, feel free to dismiss this completely.

Subject Matter and Theme
This is an interesting story with the most important theme of all- spending time with those you love. It's not enough to physically be somewhere. If you truly want to support someone, you have to be their mentally as well. In this story, David's parents are getting onto him about his lack of participation on his swimming team. That's when David gives them a verbal beatdown on how they shouldn't need to hear from the swimming instructor about his lack of effort, they should know already from seeing him at practice. Unfortunately, they're too busy with their technological devices to see what their child is doing.

Character and Story Development
I think you did a good job of creating three likable characters within this story. I felt bad for David, because he's clearly feeling neglected by his parents. He feels as though whatever it is they're doing on their phones is more important than actually paying attention to his sports, so he decides to give up trying. What's the point if they aren't watching anyway? At the same time, I felt bad for the parents because they haven't realized up to this point how they've been making their son feel. They aren't bad or insensitive people; they've just been consumed in this tech world like the rest of us have.

The way they respond to David's outburst is a testament of true good parenting skills. The fact that they accept blame on their part while creating a future plan of improvement shows the dedication they have to their son. I like that they also reassure him that, while he isn't in trouble, he should focus on those verbal communication skills to get things done instead of doing something passive aggressive to try to get their attention.

Language and Readability
The story and dialogue was easy to follow. I felt that I could understand where each character was coming from and how they felt in each part of the story. It also held my attention from beginning to end. I wanted to find out what was going on with David that made him stop trying in his swim meets.

Tone and Emotions
We definitely get a little bit of a tug at the heart strings in this piece. We feel bad for David because he has clearly been feeling this way for a while. It's sad that he has to act out in order to get their attention, but the way he goes about letting them know how he feels during their conversation shows maturity. At the same time, I don't feel like the parents were intentionally doing anything wrong. It makes us wonder if we are ever ignoring someone in favor of checking our phone or something else.

My Favorite Part
The best part of this story to me is that we can all relate to the situation. I know there are times when I'm trying to talk to someone, but they're so engrossed in their phone that I have to repeat myself multiple times before they'll finally get all of what I'm saying. At the same time, I've been on the other side of this where I'm in the middle of doing something on my computer or phone and I'll make someone wait until I'm done before I give them my full attention. I don't try to do it, but I think we all get caught up in things from time to time and we should be more mindful of those situations and the feelings of others.

I also like that it reinforces the idea of communicating our feelings with those that we care about. I think that's an excellent lesson for kids to learn at a young age and I know a lot of adults who never seemed to learn that lesson throughout their childhood. It's hard when you have parents who are less understanding than the ones shown in this story, so it took guts for David to stand up to them like that.

Possible Suggestions
There were some small things that you might have a look at if you ever decide to edit the story. In this sentence, "He didn’t sound mad, that has to be a good sign. Right?" I thought that the first sentence should be split with a fullstop after mad and the second half should be, "That has to be a good sign, right?"

There were a couple small things like that throughout the story that I noticed might need a second look. I'm also not sure how I feel about the verb tense changing when David talks directly to the reader. I know it's good for a children's story that he's talking to the readers, but I'm just not sure about the verb tense changes. In this sentence for example, "Uh oh. I looked down at the carpet and chewed my bottom lip. I wish I knew what was going to happen next." I feel like it's strange that the first sentence is past tense and the second is present tense.

Final Thoughts
I love the message of this story and I think it's an important one. You conveyed the problem well and I felt connected to all of the characters in some way during the story. I do think there are a couple things that could use editing to bring the story to it's full potential. Thanks again for sharing with us!

A Review from "Simply Positive Review Forum " !

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