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 Review #4318589 |
 | An almost perfect race  [E] a poem about the deteorating conditions on this planet  |
| (4.5)| Hi hiwakura My name is Ken and I'm pleased to read and comment on your work "An almost perfect race" on behalf of "Earth Day Challengers" . First Impression/Thoughts: I note this was written a while ago but I think the sentiments, the concerns, the actions you advocate are as pertinent today as then.  Creativity/Impact:These are your feelings, shared - how much more creativity can one ask for?   Message/Theme: Uhhh, Earth Day?  Seriously, your central theme is that we're destroying our world and need to stop ... to take action. Technique/Technical Notes: I offer you the following as food for thought and not as criticism. I encourage you to consider what I offer but always follow your instinct and heart. You are the poet. Title: I found the title a bit confusing. "an almost perfect race" Race typically doesn't resonate as "human," more often calling up images of ethnicity. The "teaser" line (or description  ) offers an opportunity to add some clarification and can also be a great tool to attract more readers. I thought you used it well and found it informative. Grammar/Wording: Your language is well thought out and reinforces your message. Utilizing the alternative meanings of "watch" was clever and opened this up since the ghazal typically uses a recurring phrase or word. Your approach added depth. Form/Flow: Free verse is not poetry without form or rules. It is not written as an essay or story and then broken into lines. The final form is not what makes it a poem; it is the simultaneous use of vocabulary, punctuation, and line break. Proper use of the tools of poetry helps to mold a piece to its final state. I found poetry in this but question why all the line breaks? To what purpose do they serve except perhaps in the refrain lines. Overall Rating/Final Thoughts:  An enjoyable read and an important message. Your warning of what the future holds comes through clearly and I found myself in total agreement. Thank you for sharing your imagination and talent with me today.Writing is about communication and this is what I saw in your work and is provided solely for your use. It's offered in a spirit of wanting to give you honest feedback... nothing more. Keep writing! Wishing you all the best for Earth Day 2017, Ken
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